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Introducing children to a new partner dilema!

(31 Posts)
Upsydaisy1 Sat 20-Jun-09 11:53:00

Have been apart from my childrens (5 and 2) for over 15 months. They have the usual every other weekend and one night a week contact with their father.

I now have now been seeing someone for 3 months, who as far as I can tell would appear to be a very decent man. He has met my boys 3 times in the last couple of weeks and they and he got on well.

Because of the difficulties with childcare and the fact that it would in time be good for us all to start spending some weekends together I am considering allowing him to stay here overnight.

I have a dilema though and that is when has enough time elapsed to allow him to stay here overnight. How do I explain to my 5 year old that my friend will be sleeping in my bed!

Have any of you been in this situation and how did you handle it.

brazenhussy Sat 20-Jun-09 12:08:36

So glad you posted this. No advice I'm afraid but have just started back in the dating scene and have wondered about this. My kids are older (14, 11, 8 and 6) which makes it harder I think - little ones ask less questions wink

nickschick Sat 20-Jun-09 12:16:21

I think you just do it tbh so long as you feel confident he is a decent bloke you dont need to go into it to deeply with your ds ,other than this kind of scenario - 'shall we ask xxxxx what he likes for breakfast because he might like to stay one day?'- i think you can put too much on a child by involving them too much iyswim.

brazenhussy Sat 20-Jun-09 12:19:21

That's such a good idea nickschick.

I know I would have to be straight with my older two but my little two would be happy with your idea.

Waiting for the fallout when my Ex H found out would be a different story all together!grin

nickschick Sat 20-Jun-09 12:23:26

lol brazenhussy - enjoy!!!

Upsydaisy1 Sat 20-Jun-09 12:34:47

It's not the fallout from my exhusband I would worry about. He had an affair and walked out on us when my youngest was 9 months old, so he is in no position to criticise me. I'm more worried about the fallout from my mother lol!!!

To be honest it would be a lot easier if he was able to stay here anyway because to enable me to get to know him away from the boys has mean my not being here for some of the time and it is causing friction with my parents, who will say something along the lines of "what will your neighbours say, having a man staying over all night"

One of my friends who I have discussed it with thinks it is too soon, but do you think that it is?

nickschick Sat 20-Jun-09 12:42:04

I dont think its anything to do with anyone apart from you and if you have met Mr Right why waste a moment?

So long as you are careful the only person at risk is you youre a big girl now and its up to you what you do,if it makes you happy- do it!!

If you were my RL friend Id be pleased you felt 'ready' for it and welcome back the old happy you.

Go for it,i slept with my then 2nd bf on the first night shock we are still together 17 years later......

brazenhussy Sat 20-Jun-09 13:42:33

I agree totally with nickschick, you as a mother, woman who has been there, done that is the best person to know whether it's too soon or not.

am glad you don't have an ex hanging over you as I do but I have the same situation with my mother.

Yesterday i was telling her about this great guy I have met on and she said "OMG, don't let anyone know a daughter of mine does that sort of thing!" and when she knew we were meeting up for lunch and a walk around the town she said "don't hold hands or anything will you, someone might see you!!"
She would have a colonary when it comes to him staying over!!blush grin

aseriouslyblondemoment Sat 20-Jun-09 16:26:10

ohh i'll be keeping an eye on this thread to see how things turn out as i'm contemplating letting my dc meet guy i've been seeing
but the thought of exh finding out doesn't even bear thinking aboutsad

MaggieBeau Sat 20-Jun-09 16:28:56

lol upsydaisy, good for you. still single 2 yrs on! Maybe the neighbours will say, oh I'm glad to see that woman has met somebody else! would that occur to your parents? MINE are exactlyt the same.

Notsotired Sat 20-Jun-09 19:47:25

If the children have a sleep over at the Dad one Friday night, then might be a good idea to have the man with you. Try that for a few months.

The first 6 months to a year is the "honey moon time". When the honey moon time settles, then you get to see more of the real person, if you still like him.

A rush decision is not usually a good decision.

macdoodle Sat 20-Jun-09 20:03:21

Similar situation - new DP been together just over 6 months - he works away so comes down to visit once a month for 4 or 5 days - so far he has stayed in a hotel bless him !

I have a 7 yr old and a 18 month old DD's who have both spent time with him and both like him - we have taken it very slowly with the DD's, but I do also have a lunatic violent XH on the scene and a messy divorce !

DP has spent the odd night here mostly when DDD1 is at her dad, or I am pretty certain that XH wont come round in the morning !

DD2 is obviously too young to understand, DD1 is pretty smart though she did ask the first time if he was going to sleep in the spare room grin. I said no he was going to sleep in mummy's bed and she giggled! She seemed fine in the morning but more worried about how Ex would react rather than DP being there!

My advice would be to take it slowly, one night at a time every now and then and see how it goes good luck

brazenhussy Sat 20-Jun-09 20:31:08

It makes me sooo angry that there are so many of us that are worried about ex H/P reactions. They are ex's for a reason and they need to understand that and get the hell out of our business!

I am 8 months down the line and mine still questions me about every car in the drive and even why I don't open my bedroom curtains shock

macdoodle Sat 20-Jun-09 20:51:05

Brazen - I am THREE YEARS down the line - XH is back with the OW - going out publicly and locally with her, with the baby they had while he was still married/with me,and my 2 DD's - but told DD1 he would "beat the shit" out of DP if he ever meets him hmm angry

aseriouslyblondemoment Sat 20-Jun-09 22:30:11

omg that's awfulangry
why are we letting these men dictate?
asbm take note lol
oh its easier to say isn't itsad

AnarchyAunt Sat 20-Jun-09 22:38:23

I am 'lucky' in one respect then with my ex, as he couldn't give a bollock who I sleep with! Couldn't give a bollock about seeing DD either but hey ho [sigh]

However His Bloody Mother... she has a problem with me meeting anyone new hmm

When I was with ex we rented a house from her. After he walked out on me for a 17yo, exMIL told me v v grandly that she was happy for me and DD to remain there, but that if I met another man I wasn't to have him to stay and would have to move out.

Her rationale behind this was 'all them terrible stories you hear about men killing their girlfriend's chidren'.

lostdad Mon 22-Jun-09 08:28:38

Speaking as `one of these men' can I ask how many here wouldn't have any views concerning their xh's/xp's having a gf overnight when their dc are with them?

Isn't it normal for any parent to take an interest when their children spend a night under the roof with someone they don't know?


macdoodle Mon 22-Jun-09 09:04:48

oh FGS lostdad not every thread here about arsehole men is a direct refernec to you - we know that you are mr wonderful superdad - trust me they really are NOT all like you!!!!!!!!!
FWIW my XH (who was EA aggressive controlling and manipulative) is now witht he OW (who did some pretty awful things to me, showed scant concern for my DD1 and even admitted offering him a BJ if he didnt come home one night to a hysterical W and daughter) - just the kind of woman I DONT want my DD's to have contact with - but they do because thats the only way they see their father, so I grit my teeth and live with my reservations about her!
There is nothing more that I would like to do than move away were my XH can never torment me again - nearer my family or my DP (I love in his town where his mates and family treat ME like I am the bad guy) - but I wont because I wont do that to my DD's and no matter how badly he has behaved to him either !
Not all of us are like your XW either - if you think telling my 7 yr old DD1 that he will "beat the shit out of my new DP" is in any way acceptable then let me know hmm

macdoodle Mon 22-Jun-09 09:06:43

Lostdad if you cant see that "these men" have no regard for their DC but want to contol and threaten their XW then you are mopre daft than you sometimes come across angry

lostdad Mon 22-Jun-09 09:19:17

Yes macdoodle. And every post I make isn't a direct reference to you or your ex.

Which makes me wonder why you're taking it so personally. wink

aseriouslyblondemoment Mon 22-Jun-09 10:41:36

IMO i would like nothing better than for my exh to find happiness elsewhere
and all i would ask from a prospective new gf is that she would be good to my dcs
i wouldn't have a prob.with her staying over at all
but in his case
he would/will do anything poss to scupper things between myself and the man i've started seeing
i am dreading him finding out but i don't feel that i have to seek his permission to have a relationship
i have decided that my dcs will meet my nm soon prob.on a day out and we'll take it from there
positive talk from me today lolsmile

stripeypineapple Mon 22-Jun-09 10:53:51

When my DP stayed for the first time he started off in my bed but ended up in the spare room so as DD didn't see him in my bed until I had asked her how she would feel about him being my boyfriend.

She liked him and wanted him to be my boyfriend.

I don't know how much comprehension a then 4 year old has of what it entails; someone becoming mummy's boyfriend but it was important to me that she was consulted about it.

If your boys like him and you think this is likely to be a long term thing then why not ask them how they would feel about him being your boyfriend and say that will mean that he has sleep-overs and stays in your bed with your?

macdoodle Mon 22-Jun-09 11:15:04

Wow lostdad thats pretty passive aggressive - maybe we should get your XW story here as well - you are the one who takes every comment personally!
I took it personally because that was the implication that somehow, we were all being over reacting neurotic women, and of course our XH/P had the right to question who we were seeing and when they were staying!

aseriouslyblondemoment Mon 22-Jun-09 11:21:03

stripey that is excellent advice
did your ex try to scupper things tho?
hi macdoodle how you doing?smile

stripeypineapple Mon 22-Jun-09 14:24:45

I had made my ex move 300 miles up country with me in a half hearted last ditch attempt at saving our relationship 3 years before I left him and came back down to London so there was little he could do scupper things except make unpleasant phone calls and voice his displeasure to me.

I ignored him and got on with my new life.

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