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fathers day advice, moral dilemma please help!!!

(13 Posts)
Ryn Fri 19-Jun-09 09:38:34

Without reinventing the wheel, EXP abuser who gets supervised access of DD and still in throws of court case. (he is considered risk to her physically). Constantly abusive to me when he gets the chance etc etc which is esp hard as am 32 weeks pg with new DP.

DD has fab relationship with DP, who has been around since she was 14months, but have always made sure she knows who Daddy is.

Every year so far, made sure he has card/present from DD (EXP that is). This year, he has turned more vicious, cutting her maintenance without warning, threatening me and DP etc etc. I didnt get mothers day card or birthday card on hehalf of DD which he has always done in past.

His birthday came so I still sent a card to him from DD.

Things are even worse now and he is hardly paying for her at all.

Am going today to buy DP a card and present from her and soon to be baby. Do i get him (EXP) a card or not???? She will be seeing him later on a supervised visit!

My instinct is yes as I always try to do right thing, two wrongs don't make a right etc etc but he is so vile to us i feel hypocritical.


ps he doesnt speak to me at all, even though I have to supervise visits!!!

lostdad Fri 19-Jun-09 09:49:59

You can't control his behaviour - good or bad.

Help your DD send a card to him...just remember it's for her, not his benefit. Be whiter than white.

When she is on an age to choose whether she wants to she can make that choice.

mrsmortenharket Fri 19-Jun-09 11:01:40

i agree with lostdad, i have similar dilemma too (tho will post separately). it's hard but you have to grit your teeth and separate yourself kind of thing from the situation. coudl you get supervised visits at a contact centre or could someone else supervise for you?

Ryn Fri 19-Jun-09 11:31:31

we have tried endless supervision arrangements, the last being a friend of his who was told explicitly by cafcass that EXP was under no circumstances to be left alone with DD at anytime. I arrived to collect her and found said supervisor outside in his car and EXP in house alone with DD.

Needless to say that has now broken down!!! My mother used to do it but he was very nasty one day and made her cry.

We have used a contact centre int he past (court paid but only for 6 weeks). He refuses to 'pay' to see her, which is now the only other option save for me. I am unemployed having been made redundant ( was off with stress beforehand and they let me go- professional position etc, worked at it fpr 16 years etc etc) so I have nothing at all. He is self employed and can afford it but wont out of principle!

So its me!!!

And as i can only manage once a week, he is hauling me back to court again! sad

mrsmortenharket Sun 21-Jun-09 11:18:44

do you have a solicitor who can help? (((((()))))

ninedragons Sun 21-Jun-09 11:22:00

How old is your DD?

Personally I wouldn't - he doesn't sound like the sort of person to whom one would give the steam off one's turds.

Kimi Sun 21-Jun-09 11:33:10

If you have to have supervised visits because he is such a twunt then he should have to pay for them, if he wont then he clearly is not bothered about seeing his child, he is clearly not bothered about paying towards her upkeep, Don't send a card.

MaggieBeau Sun 21-Jun-09 12:18:26

I'm in similar situation. My x was abusive and violent, I'v no proof so he sitll sees the children.


He doesn't give me any maintenance, he delights in not giving me maintenance.
We are going to my parents house. My Dad. bless him said not to get him anything in case the children felt a bit sad. Thank God my children have a Grandfather who is a decent kind good humoured man.

mrsmortenharket Mon 22-Jun-09 11:07:58

your dad sounds lovely maggiebeau smile

Ryn Mon 22-Jun-09 14:14:25

Well he got the card, said fook all but DD delighted in giving him it!

Then, he SPAT in a tissue, wiped her hands THEN her mouth.

I said please dont do that, it is unhygienic, please use a babywipe.

He put shoes on, packed bag, snarled and left!

Happy Days!

mrsmortenharket Mon 22-Jun-09 14:52:20

shock ryn that's horrible

Ryn Mon 22-Jun-09 15:28:04

I know!!!!!

Thats nothing though compared with past events though........its actually an improvement! At least she wasnt in mortal danger this time. Sure he does it on purpose, he runs his own business so cant surely be that thick!

Its embarrassing some of the stuff he has done! x

lostdad Mon 22-Jun-09 16:02:17

Well, you did the right thing. As you say - your DD delighted in giving it to him.

Your conscience is clear too, because what you did was right for her. Whatever else happens is down to him.

Nothing more you can do, Ryn. wink

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