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Feeling a bit weird about my friend still having contact with my ex, even though she knows how he has behaved towards me!

(13 Posts)
inthemistsoftime Tue 16-Jun-09 20:13:45

Said friend has been a lone parent for 8 years, during which she has spent quite a lot of time in the company of both me and my ex as a couple.

I have listened to her cry on my shoulder over people that she thought were friends seeing her ex as well as herself!

Now I find she has done the same thing to me, neither my ex or she has mentioned the fact that my dcs have had tea at her house!

I had mentioned to her recently that I would find it difficult to be such a good friend if she were to continue to see the ex but I was very delicate in my phrasing of my feelings, as I didn't want her to have to choose sides.

Obviously she now feels she cant mention it to me as she knows it will hurt my feelings, I only found out after reading an email over my daughters shoulder.

I feel hurt and betrayed and ready to cut her adrift.

Do I just accept that she has chosen to remain friends with the ex over me and that our friendship is now at an end and remain aloof from her or do I tell how I feel?

thumbwitch Tue 16-Jun-09 23:08:22

rather depends on how important her friendship is to you, doesn't it? I have been in this situation to some extent, where mutual friends of mine and my ex's were still in contact with both him and me; but in the end they stayed in contact with me rather than him, partly because he was too lazy to bother his arse about them.
My friends had nothing further to do with ex (in fact many of them came out saying what an arse they thought he was blush) and I guess this is what you wish she would do.

So, is she a friend of yours, or a friend of both of you?
She might not feel that she needs or wants to choose between you - did you make it plain to her that you feel it is a "him or me" situation? And is that really what you need it to be?

Do you perhaps feel that she has an ulterior motive in staying friends with your ex, and that she was always more interested in him than in you? If so, then definitely let her go.

But if you are being paranoid and a bit school playgroundy, then evaluate how important she is as a friend (and how many other friends you have) and then decide.

HTH.

inthemistsoftime Wed 17-Jun-09 09:40:27

thanks thumbwitch

just writing it all down has clarified the situation for me.

I have decided that she is not worthy of being such a close friend after the conversation I had with her re the subject, am thinking she may have a soft spot for him!

I am a little sad as I feel betrayed but it is better to move on and enjoy my life rather than to dwell on what should have been.

thks

aGalChangedHerName Wed 17-Jun-09 09:48:44

Hmm could she maybe 'like' him??

I know if an ex had treated me badly/not well i wouldn't remain friends with someone who was still seeing him.

inthemistsoftime Wed 17-Jun-09 10:03:36

agal, they have always got on well, and yes there is a chance that she has feelings for him, so I am withdrawing contact with her.

am sad but I really hate the way it has made me feel, life too short to have to deal with rubbish like this!

Janos Wed 17-Jun-09 13:45:27

I really do feel for you over this inthmists.

It's very sad, but some women seem to value male attention/validation over female friendship.

Exactly the situation you describe(pretty much identical in fact) happened to my mum and she lost a friendship of 11 years standing.

It's definitely a reflection on her and not you, but at the same time I totally understand why it hurts.

And if she is interested in him after everything she knows and pursues a relationship then more fool her really and I expect she will come to regret her decision.

bumsrush Thu 18-Jun-09 22:52:28

I have a couple of freinds that are in contact with my exH and get favours from him, one freind sent a text to him while I was there with some cutesy name to ask him a favour. She did tell me she wasn't hiding it. I just laugh it off they seem to just be in contact to get favours from him (to do with his work) so I know what they get out of it and why they still talk to him, so I don't care.

tigerlili Fri 19-Jun-09 17:13:21

inthemistoftime, i ended a 16 year friendship with a friend as she still was friends with abusive ex, she also chose not to tell me ex was seeing woman he had affair with during divorce proceedings.

It dawned on me she ws actually very like him, had an affair on her 1st husband on 3rd partner now.

You do feel betrayed but frankly why would i want someone like that in my life?She knows how abusive he was.

Also ex as a friend is very different to ex as a husband.

Anyway it does suck, but again walking away is just clearly the right thing to do.

ninah Fri 19-Jun-09 20:45:38

I lost a friend over this, just wanted to cut ties

MaggieBeau Sat 20-Jun-09 16:33:24

People who say that she shouldn't have to choose and neither of you should involve her are living in cloud cuckoo land.

I couldn't maintain a friendship with somebody who was friends with my x as he was awful to me, and it would be like they didn't really believe what I'd been through.

Once years ago, when MUCH younger I was great friends with a girl and her boyfriend. THey split up. I missed him, but I got it. SHe was my friend and she would have been SO hurt if I'd seen him... I think he fancied me a bit (and I him tbh) so it would have been intolerably painful for her.

sometimes people can do very hurtful things to eachother and hide behind sentences like 'but we're all adults now' or 'you can't make people choose'. NO, but a friend won't knowingly and needlessly cause you pain.

ICouldKillMyExThisMinute Sun 21-Jun-09 18:58:50

How would you feel if your ex asked some of his friends that you get along well with to stop contact with you?

I think I live in cuckoo land but I find it unfair. It is not fair to ask the friends to join the war to prove their loyalties, they may like the two of you equally despite who was friend of who first.

The way I'm managing the situation is the following:

-Never talk to them about ex
-Ask them not to tell me anything about ex
-Only complain about ex with those people that I know are my friends, rather than mutual friends. I do this in consideration to my friends and probably to myself, as I would hate being cut from people I consider friends.

It is already hard enough to go through a split, a separation of assets and on top of that, a separation of friends. Sorry.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 21-Jun-09 23:26:29

It depends, a bit, on what your XP did to you. If he just didn;t want to be in a relatinship with you any more, that doesn't make him a bd person unfit for polite society. If he was violent or a con artist or abused the children, that would be a different matter, obviusly.

PearsinTears Wed 24-Jun-09 16:50:17

I think it depends if the friend was your partner's friend or a common friend before... or if she started of being your friend.

It also depends what kind of relationship they have now - I wouldn't mind a sporadic one off if they met for a coffee to catch up...

But as someone said beforehand, if you know as a friend that your behaviour will hurt your friend, you just don't do it.

And the crucial point, if you know someone was abusive, would you like to have a relationship with this person, even if this person has not been abusive with you? Personally, I would refrain. It says a lot about someone who prefers to have a friendship with an abuser.

I just posted another thread in step-parenting about a friend of mine who complimented my partner's ex who is a bully and a liar and who tried to hurt me in order to get my partner back... as a friend you just don't do this! And I get replies here from people telling me I am the unreasonable person in this situation and it is good that people can see your ex in an objective manner... Stupid and outrageous, don't listen to people like that.

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