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newly separated and sharing care of DS 50/50 with ex... really struggling,..

(9 Posts)
PintandChips Mon 15-Jun-09 22:48:17

i need a bit of guidance i think...

have been in new home with ds who's nearly 3 for a month... separated from his father who lives 5 mins away. we have agreed to share care so we try and have him every other day, and i usually have four days a week to his three.

but for me, it's not working. i am finding it really difficult to be apart from my ds this much, and it's making me depressed. i don't sleep well when he's not here, i miss him so much. and i worry that living in both houses like this is confusing for him. would it be better for him to have more of a base with me and just spend a night or two a week with his dad?

I want to do what's best for him and i feel like i can't see what that is any more because i am so lost.

no one else seems to have this problem as most dad's seem content to bugger off sharpish and have their contact dictated by the mum - of course i appreciate the fact that he's such a willing hands-on dad, but that doesn't seem to help how i'm feeling.

Not helped by the fact that i think my ex is a **ing **ck at the moment, and he does not understand why i am finding it difficult at all.

do i have to just learn to live with half of my son?

hatesponge Mon 15-Jun-09 23:01:12

Unfortunately, I dont think its easy whatever way it works out.

My DCs are older than yours (8 & 10) which probably makes it easier - I have a shared arrangement with my ex which means he picks them up from their childminder (we both work full time) & sees them for an hour or so Mon-Thurs before dropping them off here - most Fris they stay with him overnight (although they do stay here sometimes if he is going out) & are with him all day sat & sun morning.

Our situation isnt ideal as it means I never really get to do anything with them at the weekend, and in the week we are always so busy rushing to school/work etc that I do worry we never seem to have any fun.

However my relationship with my ex was so crap & had been for so many years that I knew I had to leave - and I figured a bit of unhappiness for me in terms of missing the DCs when they are with him was the price I had to pay for the benefit both of leaving him but also of knowing that he was maintaining a relationship with the DCs (who are incidentally much happier and more settled than they were 12-18 months ago, even though they are now shuttling between two houses)

Sorry - have gone on rather a lot but I guess what I want to say is it will get easier, you are all 3 of you in a period of adjustment, but ultimately if your DS seems happy as things are, I would stick with it, at least for a few months, and try to find something to do with your nights off - see friends, watch a DVD, give yourself a manicure - anything to avoid just sitting on your own because then you will inevitably think of nothing but how much you are missing your DS.

hope it works out though

Prosecco Mon 15-Jun-09 23:06:12

I feel for you, I really do.

I am not in this situation but have two friends who have been through it, so you may get better advice form someone else.

How is your son taking it? If he is happy with it, then that is a positive thing and hopefully will help you to realise you are doing a good thing.

Remember also that your emotions are running high and you may be resentful of your ex for whatever reason you borke up. Hom getting to see your son so much may be traumatic for you because you are angry with him and may feel he doesn't deserve it.

You are also learning to live apart form your husband after a marriage. Having your son away from you msut be doubly hard and you will feel totally unused to being alone.

These last two things are things that will change in time. Your emotions will not be as raw, and you will learn to live differently form what you have been used to. It is a big adjustment, but it will come.

Try to keep yourself busy when your son is away and do things you may be unable to do when he is around. See friends as well at this time. Don't be shy about seeking their support at this time when you feel most vulnerable.

I really hope you can work this out. My best friend is ging through it right now. I do think all the main indicators that you have done the right thing will come form your son.

Well done to both of you for recognising the need of each other to spend time with him, and to look out for his wellbeing in the midst of this.

PintandChips Mon 15-Jun-09 23:21:32

Thanks from both of you. It's what i needed to hear really. i suppose i wanted everyone to say NO, your son must stay with you every night and your ex must only have him once a week!!!! but i knew it wouldn't happen. I recognise that the price i pay for his wellbeing is my pain in being without him, although i am never anything other than hugely positive about his dad and their time together, then i just collapse when the front door's shut behind them.

i don't for a second think we were wrong to split up, we are totally incompatible, so it was always going to happen. I feel relief that it has to be honest.

i'm sure it will get easier, it's just so hard now. i was brought up by my mum pretty much alone, so i think i find the whole idea of it even more difficult as a child being cared for by a father is so alien to me.

i think that's the problem, i just want him to eff off and leave me with our son.

enough single parents have told me how lucky i am to have such a loving dad for my ds for me to know how much that will get peoples hackles up, but it doesn't change how i feel on the inside.

i don't know how ds is doing - he is generally a happy, bright and very loving child and that remains the same... i worry what damage might be going on under the surface that i can't see. then i worry that he's only two and a half and at this stage whatever his life is is normal for him, and that my unnecessary anxiety will be the thing that actualy does upset him... and i then i feel like i'm going mad.

maybe i am expecting it all to be OK too soon and of course i should expect it to be difficult and horrible for a while (for me and the ex, at least).

Prosecco Mon 15-Jun-09 23:30:37

I think your last sentence is spot on. These things can be succesful but right now you are hurting too much. I am sure this is totally normal.

You have both been big enough to share your son, to be nice about each other in front of him. You can see your son is fine but if you have concerns at any time, you seem like the kind of person who would discuss them with your ex.

Enjoy your time with your son. Then learn to enjoy your time without him. And watch him get the benefit of two doting parents.

ChasingSquirrels Mon 15-Jun-09 23:31:25

it DOES get easier

Mine don't see their dad as much as that (Tue 5.15pm - Wed 8.30am when he drops them at school / CM; and
Alternate Fri 5.15pm - Sat 4.30pm or Sat 4.30pm - Sun 4.30pm).

I used to HATE it, now I look forward to the me time. Last weekend he was away so didn't have them and I was a bit pissed off at the thought of not getting a break (although as it happens we had a lovely weekend together).

A year ago I could not imagine that I would feel the way that I now do about it all.

It IS good that he wants to have a relationshio with your son, although I do know exactly what you mean about wanting him tto eff off and leave you alone.

Take care.

lostdad Tue 16-Jun-09 08:17:58

You're a good parent. You're doing the best for your ds.

Breakups are incredibly painful - not having your child with you being the most painful part.

It will get easier and your son will reap the benefit, his childhood memories being of his mum and dad putting him first.

He's a lucky boy.

Niceguy2 Tue 16-Jun-09 09:25:26

Hi P&C

Yes its hard at the moment but don't look only at the negatives. There are also positives.

Your son gets to spend time with his dad which is a good thing (hopefully). He will still have two parents.

You get some rest and time to be able to go out. Many here don't have that luxury.

You may think its hard without your son but personally I don't think keeping him tied to your apron strings is healthy either.

Hope that helps

PintandChips Tue 16-Jun-09 16:05:54

Thanks, i know it will get easier. I think we need to work on how we communicate with each other so the whole thing works better.

thanks for the support.

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