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Do any of you get really pssied that you have to pay for everything for your child and the maintenance you get hardly scratches the surface?

(56 Posts)
FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 20:08:14

Clothes, shoes, toys, food, trips etc. I'm feeling really resentful at the moment that I've been doing everything for ds forever and his dad does so very little. I know ds appreciates it, a little help would be nice.

Meglet Sat 13-Jun-09 20:17:56

I know how you feel. Ex p is paying a bit less than he was at the start of the year, his wages have genuinely gone down- saw the payslip. But he's managed to scrape enough money together to go to benidorm next week angry. I hope he gets sunstroke and his liver packs up grin.

I know if I asked him for extra money towards nursery, shoes etc he would tell me to fuck off and go mental about it.

popcorn123 Sat 13-Jun-09 20:22:06

Feeling a bit resentful today as well. ex has never paid any maintenance since split. He lives in our family home and pays the mortgage and on that basis doesn't pay anything - refusing to deal with the house so we are stuck in limbo.
I pay my rent/all bills/childcare/clothes/food/snack/holidays treat/ice-cream/trips here and there.
I supply clothes etc when they stay at his, he sometimes feeds them but usually times his access so that his mum or me has provided meals.
He earns 2x what I earn - as I work part-time (but still >30 hours week)
He claims he is broke. I am so pissed off today -trying ti get separation agreement done but he is not playing ball as he is too busy. Am going to have to file for divorce to get anywhere. So utterly fed up ATM

So yes I agree - sorry for self-indulgant rant - it is so annoying when you have to hold the fort for everthing.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 20:38:05

Ds's dad was made redundant, he say's he'll continue to pay maintenance as long as he can...he's building a new garage hmm. I've paid school fees for ds for 4 years without any extra help, it's really doing my head in now that I do so much financially and via support for ds when his dad does bugger all. He can't even call or email ds once a week to see how he is.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Sat 13-Jun-09 20:45:15

Message withdrawn

snigger Sat 13-Jun-09 20:47:05

<<evil stepmother alert>>

If it's any consolation, DSD's mum is going on her third holiday since January next month, and gleefully texted DH that "all that lovely maintenance is going to pay for my all-inclusive".

This is thirteen years on, mind, and I'd say our relationship at the moment is pretty positive, compared to the past.

Not trying to undermine what you're going through, I appreciate there are a whole world of different 'fathers' out there, just giving a separate perspective.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 20:49:00

sad They know they are loved though Reality. I hide my anger from ds. His dad moved abroad 6 years ago, he see's ds once a year, sometimes less. He's keen for ds to go and visit him but there really is no relationship there and I keep telling him that ds needs to get to know him first but he blames me for keeping ds from him hmm. Ds needs someone to support him, I get so tired of doing it all myself. I am broke most of the time but ds wants for nothing except love.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Sat 13-Jun-09 21:03:38

Message withdrawn

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 21:08:44

grin Thankyou.

juicychops Sat 13-Jun-09 21:42:52

the CSA i get is £7.66 every fortnight which doesn't stretch too far to say the least

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 22:11:43

sad It's really silly isn't it. The parent who the child lives with is always worse off. Trying to run a home with one income is hard, trying to make sure your child or children have clothes/shoes/school meals/trips/dentist etc should be the responsibility of both parents.

sunshineandrainbow Sat 13-Jun-09 22:13:14

i have not had a penny ever from dd's dad - she is now nearly 12... it is so wrong

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 22:14:36

It's the children that miss out though isn't it! It is so wrong, you are right there.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 22:16:32

I know it works both ways snigger but how fair is it on the main carer to fork out for everything? I bet she's gone without to buy things for the child though.

sunshineandrainbow Sat 13-Jun-09 22:19:25

I am lucky in that i have good family..
I work and i am able to provide for my DD..

my dad also gives me money every month.. and my brother is very generous to my daughter.. if she goes on trips etc he will give her spending money... which helps me out so much.. and i am so grateful for the help but others are not so lucky

I sometimes dream about getting maintenance money back dated 12 years in one lump sum!!

MollieO Sat 13-Jun-09 22:22:20

Ex pays £50 per month. He should be paying £75 according to the CSA. According to what I reckon his income is, £400 would be more accurate. Self employed, hides his income. Has seen ds once.

OptimistS Sat 13-Jun-09 23:24:27

Can't say I get really pissed any more as I got over it a long time ago, but I will admit to minor flashes of irritation from time to time, such as when X went on holiday the other week (DC and I can't afford one this year).

I turned the situation around. Instead of feeling resentment about X not paying any maintenance, I decided to feel proud of myself for coping without it. I (and all you single parents receiving little or no maintenance) am setting a fantastic example for my DC about self-reliance.

It's not fair, I agree, but you can take some comfort from having the moral highground. Children should never be brought into a maintenance debate, but once they are adults the NRP has to look them in the eye and explain why they could never afford to pay maintenance (or pay more if it's inadequate) but could afford to go on holiday, build the garage, go out twice a week, etc etc.
Don't envy my X when that time comes. My children will be brought up with my values about responsibility and will give his excuses very short shrift. X will have brought about his own punishment, sadly.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 23:28:04

I agree, what goes around comes around. I know ds is OK and I give him all he needs, it is annoying though that it's just me doing all this. If I'd had treated ds how his father had then he'd have been taken into care a very long time ago.

Mumofagun Sat 13-Jun-09 23:35:45

I'm trying to get through the annoyed stage and am just beginning how bloody amazing I am at doing it all by myself, and maybe I don't have all the clothes and shoes I want, but but DS has everything he needs, all down to a good mummy, which is exactly what you're doing. It's really tough I know and f***g hard to take sometimes, BUT you are doing it and as you say, DS WILL appreciate it all in the future. It's shit though, and I wish more could be done to make sure the absent parent pays. FULL STOP, not, well I've got a new partner now with two other children in the house, blah, blah...

GypsyMoth Sat 13-Jun-09 23:44:48

My ex says he'll play on his leg injury to claim incapacity benefit so he can't work! This is because the 4 DC we had together used to claim too much of his wages. He then promptly moves on to a new bit of skirt with 3 DC.....where is the logic?

I now get £5 a week for the 4 DC. £1.25 each per week.

MaggieBee Sat 13-Jun-09 23:47:28

I don't get a PENNY maintenance. But I still think your stories are all awful. It's appalling what deadbeats get away with.

But I would rather get nothing than get some fcukngi ridiculous sum like £50 a week. I can tell my children that I raised them 100% and that their father contributed nothing.

I wouldn't go MAD if he was telling them in years to come "I supported you" having given me about 22p every leap year.

MaggieBee Sat 13-Jun-09 23:48:27

lol at a self-employed fuckwit!

OptimistS Sat 13-Jun-09 23:50:06

That's a very valid point, FluffyBunny. I feel it has huge implications for the single parent debate. IMO the current maintenance system is deeply flawed. Nothing will change until there are real conseuqences for non payment. My X wouldn't bat an eyelid at having his driving licence or his passport removed. As he often drives without insurance anyway, can't see not having a licence would bother him. Maybe we need to introduce custodial sentences? Probably a really bad idea but I bet a lot of NRPs who "can't afford it" would suddenly find the money from somewhere...

I just wish that the government and daily mail types would realise that it takes 2 to make a baby. Excusing those who die, why doesn't the NRP have to take the same degree of flak that that single parent does? Before anyone flames me, I am being deliberately flippant here to make a point, this point:

Can the government not see that for every stereotypical benefit-dependent single mother with 18 kids by 18 fathers, there are 18 feckless lads who have not bothered to step up to their responsibilities? Why are they not targeted with so much venom? How about a system where 50% of a NRP's benefits are given to the child? I guarantee there would be rocket in the sales of condoms and a significant decrease in the number of NRPs being on benefits...

Why can't lying to the CSA carry the same penalties as tax fraud? Soon stop a lot of NRPs trying the "I'm self-employed and make no profit" argument.

Anyway, I digress. Sorry. Just a few rambling thoughts...

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 13-Jun-09 23:55:12

It is fraud though IMO, it's the benefit system that pick up and help to pay for their children. Children need more then money aswell. I've always told ds's dad that I'd rather he took an interest in his child's life. Its sad really, his last email to ds was three weeks ago. So much for emailing every week. There's no excuse really.

Mumofagun Sun 14-Jun-09 00:04:35

OptimistS, good point, there's a custodial sentence on offer if the resident parent doesn't allow access, ie you get threatened with a penal notice but I'm not sure that there is if the non resident parent doesn't pay up which apparently they are supposed to by law. I've seen numerous stories in the papers in relation to mum's not providing access, but have little recollection of stories about dad's not paying and being sent to prison. (PS I know it works both ways but I'm going with the norm here.)I've never got further with chasing money than the giving up stage so I don't know - just XDP is self employed as well and fiddles the books so it looks like he hasn't got anything (apart from his new car etc....!)

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