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1st visit from dh today since he left on Monday so nervous

(19 Posts)
emmawil37 Sun 07-Jun-09 07:52:44


I need to get this out before I explode. I've argued to let dh see the children for the 1st time since I found out he was cheating and he left on Monday and I'm so nervous about it.

This week has been like a rollercoster ride, sunday I thought I had a husband for life, then Monday I found out he was cheating and he left. He wouldn't contact me for 4 days not even ask how the kids were. Meanwhile I'm sorting out benefits and getting legal advice. Then he was OK and I agreed he could see the children but for awhile at least I wanted to be there as they are only 4 and 3 and have always been clingy to me so it would unsettle them.

Since he's been gone I can't sleep and I certainly can't sleep in what was our bedroom, I stay on the sofa bed downstairs watching the clock, wondering what went wrong. I'm finding it near on impossible to eat, I just eat even to see me through the day really (I do have 6 stone to lose so not that bader a thing). I had my hair cut dramatically last weight, starting putting on the fake tan, yesterday brought myself a new outfit, this morning I was up at 6am before the children woke up to have a bath, do my hair and pluck my eyebrows.

I think that I'm doing all of this not to get him back but I want him to see I'm not falling apart and as I surpose I did let myself go before I want him to see what he has lost and if he actually attention instead of going behind my back maybe I wouldn't of lost that confidence in the 1st place. I think its all for the right reasons, I guess I just need to desperately get some confidence back in myself.

Anyway sorry for that just needed to talk to someone!!!!

movingintothefuture Sun 07-Jun-09 12:35:57

Hang in there!

It is not supprising that you don't want him to see you fall apart. I am in that place at mo - it is a long path and that I won't lie to you. But there are steps to take. and from the sounds of it you are taking them - becoming financially independant, legal advice etc. It is not uncommon to not want to eat when stressed. Just give yourself a little bit of space to come to terms with what has happened. And do what you need to do - look after yourself and your dc's.

Not sure that this is the best advice but didn't want to leave you unanswer (although suspect someone probably has beaten me to it and given you a far more useful response!)

FeelingOld Sun 07-Jun-09 16:48:49

Sorry you are going through this, 16 months ago I was where you are now and i didnt go to bed for about 3 weeks and hardly any food passed my lips for about 4 weeks til i almost passed out with lack of food (I lost over 2 stone). I also didnt want him to see me looking a mess so made sure i had my make up on and hair done when he came to pick the kids up.

Its very early days and i am gonna quote the old cliche, things will get better.
I found myself just living from day to day.

My ex left us to be with the woman he was having an affair with and he thought the grass would be greener on the other side, but has since found out it isnt, however it is for me cos i have met a lovely man and i am happier than i have ever been and he has given me my confidence back.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get through this and you will come out the the other side a much stronger confident person, it just takes time. I know everyone says this but believe me its true.

emmawil37 Sun 07-Jun-09 20:51:10

Thanks for your responses. i went to a soft play area with him and the kids it was so hard we couldn't even look at each and only spoke about the kids.

Then I was playing football with my dd and broke my big toe and ended up in A and E, perfect end to a perfect week hey!!! Then I got emotional because he wanted to go as soon as I was back and I can hardly walk. The kids were begging him not to go and it was horrible.

I then wanted to know how many women he slept with when we were married so instead of answering me he turned his phone off. I know that in a way I could just be punsihing myself for wanting to know, but today and I was thinking of maybe there is a future for us, and I think if he told me the truth then maybe I would realised that there isn't a future and move on. I don't know.

He was still wearing his wedding ring today, I wasn't but I never did much before as doesn't fit me very well, but what does that mean? I just feel so uttery confused. The reason I broke my toe was through not concentrating, and you know I think it was a good thing as I can't drive for 4 to 6 weeks and the way my head has been that's deferinately for the best.

Sorry to go on its just either out here or leaving him long voice or texts messages that won't even be answered!!!

movingintothefuture Mon 08-Jun-09 03:11:05

Hang in there. We all do stupid in the heat of the moment things. I have one or two more skeletons in my closet recently blush and it has left me in no better position. The only thing i did discover was that i wasn't really ready to deal with him as i hadn't dealt with me. I don't know where i am and i suspect that when you figure that out the dealing with him bit will fall into place.
OUCH for the toe! You did do it in style. It will be hard until the kids get used to the new arrangements. Ds is finally getting into a routine of visits but as sn needs very regular defined visits which i think helps reduce the when will i see you again anxiety. You could try to make sure that he makes plans to see them so that they know when they will see him next. And so what if all you speak about is the kids. It is about all i speak about with my ex and that is all that he really needs to know at this moment and occassionally we actaully have some great conversations about music and random stuff.

emmawil37 Mon 08-Jun-09 10:43:03

I know, its like I want to know how many women had been with when we were together and he won't tell, he has ago saying we were never that close and we argued all the time and to stop harassing him. It hurts so much. This morning my car window was smashed looked like a stone and come up as nothing was taken but its just one thing after another and I just can't cope I can't stop crying. I just don't know what to do I'm hurting so much. I'm sorry.

oneforward20back Mon 08-Jun-09 11:18:04

Hey here is a safe space. you want to cry you cry. You might just take me with you today. Had a night from hell last night and very sleep deprived and emotional. Got sent something the other day by email will copy it here. It would necessarily help today but maybe when your feeling stronger it might make you smile (even if its a weak wobbly one)

oneforward20back Mon 08-Jun-09 11:20:32

So this is how its played…..

To my Ladies out there read and pass this on to other women who did not get the chance to see Oprah on 2/27/09. Some of you
are married, it's a great read to advise your unmarried friends. Pass it along to the men too, they have sisters, friends etc.

Excerpts from the promotion of Steve Harvey's book
'Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man', Oprah's 2/27/9 show, where he was a
15-minute guest. He said the book is the only thing he initially did for free, as a gift to
women. He did not expect in his wildest dreams that it would make the 'best-seller' list:

"Every man has a plan. A man does not lock eyes with you from across the
room or approach you just to talk, he has a plan. He saw something he wants. This attempt at
conversation is to find out how much it will cost him. It is not only about money, but other things like how
much time must be invested, what does she want from me, what are her standards.
Because men will rise to the occasion, no matter how high the bar is set, it's just that
women keep lowering the bar, lowering their standards. Women are complicated, they keep talking to each other,
but men are very simple. Men need only three things: support, loyalty and the cookie."

He says if a man introduces you as his friend or just says your name, with
no title - you have nothing. Men are very protective, they mark their territory. If a
man loves you, he's willing to profess it. After a while, he'll give you
a title - his woman, his lady, his fiancé, his baby mama, some title. If after three months he is still
introducing you by your name only, you have nothing. The man who truly has
feelings for you will give you a title. This is his way of letting everyone
within the sound of his voice know he is proud of being with you and he has plans for you.

Every man has a plan. He tells of one of the times his father-in-law was visiting
and interrogated the boyfriend of one of his twins. They had dated four or five times and
he asks what are his plans for his granddaughter. After stumbling and stuttering, he finally mumbles out that they
are just kicking it. So Steve says, that's cool. Let's just bring my daughter in now and
inform her that she is just being "kicked" - that you two are just "kicking it" and let's
see if that's what she just wants to do. They broke up the next day. Steve says men are fishermen,
either for sport or for food. Women must determine which kind of fish they want to be. If you don't want to be
continuously hooked and thrown back, just for sport, you must present your
standards, you must stop lowering them, you must present your requirements.
Then if you are hooked, the man knows you are about business. In other words, when you're hooked,
he must know that you are eventually going home with him, not back into the water. It is the woman that
is in control of everything. The man cannot hold your hand unless you let him, he cannot kiss
you unless you let him and he certainly cannot make love to you unless you let him. Now, with all that power,
why do you suddenly relinquish it, just because you want a guy to accept you? Keep your
standards where they are! Say to him, if you want to be with me, this is what it takes. He can hook you, but he should
not be able to reel you in without meeting your standards.

A woman SKYPED in via satellite with a question for Steve: "When should a woman have sex the first time in a new
relationship?" Steve cites, as an example, when he once worked on the assembly line at Ford Motor Co., where there was a
probation period for new employees. Like a lot of large companies, only after 90 days do you qualify for a benefit package
- before being allowed to get dental, medical, get your eyes checked. Within those days I was being checked out - whether I was easy to get
along with, to work with, whether I was reliable, showing up on time, if I was worthy. Then, and only then, do you get the benefits. Why
do women, who possess the greatest benefits package of all, pass it out so quickly to unworthy guys?
Slow down ladies, you cannot run us off, if we want you! And know that men are aware of the fact that you change the rules-
when you are desperate, when you think there is a shortage of good men out there. And we play on it.
We created terms like 'gold digger' so you don't ask for money; the term 'nagging', so that you don't badger us.
We created these terms so that you will require less of us. God has given all women this
incredible gift called intuition. Get in a guy's face, look in his eyes, use that intuition! 'Old School' is not dead,
chivalry is not dead, it is just not being required anymore.

This came from a very good friend, who bless her despite being the other side of the world always seems to know when i need something.

emmawil37 Mon 08-Jun-09 11:24:59

Thanks, I just don't understand, my whole world just feels she riped apart last week I could get on and do things and I coped this week I'm just a mess, now my foot is killing me. I used to have so many dreams about him doing this to me and I use to joke and tell that dream him was a w*er, I wished I could wake up and all of this was a bad dream and have a lovly long cuddle and the kids come into bed and give us a cuddle. I'm sorry I can't even type through tears.

oneforward20back Mon 08-Jun-09 11:29:49

Talk when ready, cry when necessary. Do what you need to do. The pain in toe will make things ten times worse! I have that wish sometimes. then we have to do the polite for the kid time and often i remember why he winds me up soooooo much. Oh could throw big boot at him today. Anger - good that'll get me through day blush

emmawil37 Mon 08-Jun-09 11:35:34

Oh you sound like such a strong I wished I had half your strengh. I have dragged myself to the bathroom to wash and at least try and be as normal as possible. I just feel like such a fool I really thought he was for keeps its crazy. I think some of that anger would be good!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oneforward20back Mon 08-Jun-09 11:40:23

I have the benefit of nearly 2 years behind me. Doesn't make it any easier when the rest of your life is falling apart and him is playing mind games. I am chicken. Don't like emotions hide behind anger blush not great coping strategy.

If you need to find some anger try being angry he couldn't treat you with respect!

emmawil37 Mon 08-Jun-09 12:05:27

Yeah I think that is it just when I get angry I know I don't want to see him but I have to because of the kids won't see if unless I'm there. He did give me 2 wonderful so i'm finding that hard. I'm pulled myself a bit together and done my tax credits renewal and dealt with my car. This is my 2nd mariage and I'm getting far to old for this crap!

emmawil37 Mon 08-Jun-09 12:38:29

Right I have found that anger. I had just contacted relate in the hope that we could save our relationship and the twat text me as he is far to gutless to talk to me telling me how everything was my fault, f*ing w*er. I was believing myself until he which obviously is blaming me to justify way he acted like a s*e and its like no way I can believe myself but at the end of the day he could of just left rather than having sex with anything that will stay still for long enough! angry Oh that does feel better!

emmawil37 Mon 08-Jun-09 12:38:36

Right I have found that anger. I had just contacted relate in the hope that we could save our relationship and the twat text me as he is far to gutless to talk to me telling me how everything was my fault, f*ing w*er. I was believing myself until he which obviously is blaming me to justify way he acted like a s*e and its like no way I can believe myself but at the end of the day he could of just left rather than having sex with anything that will stay still for long enough! angry Oh that does feel better!

oneforward20back Mon 08-Jun-09 13:15:56

yep its that man skill of winding me up as i get weak that i reaaly appreciate. strengthbout of weakness. He is a big weekness of mine blush know need him out of my system but he is currently still having an effect. angry for being weak.

oneforward20back Mon 08-Jun-09 13:20:35

oh dear just realised its not really him i am missing - its the sex doubleblush that bit was always great. got to get some sleep going crazy... very crazy.

emmawil37 Mon 08-Jun-09 13:49:22

I won't miss sex with my ex I never enjoyed it he was a slobby kisser which was disgusting and as for sex well it was never exciting blush think I'm just being a bitch now, but it is true. If you need sex with someone do you want the address of the website my ex was using! grin I prefer laughing to crying!

oneforward20back Mon 08-Jun-09 18:58:07

god no - would probably bump into my ex and give him ammunitician. Thinking how nice it would be to borrow a tank from tank museum and give them both a good scare. grin

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