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Help with access rights my ex will get to our two year old

(29 Posts)
monkeyfacegrace Sat 06-Jun-09 17:34:42

Hi all,
Im new here so please be gentle. Having a bit of a crisis. Usual stuff Im afraid, ex left me 2 weeks after honeymoon for someone else (now split up and he's living with mummy and daddy), and we have a 2 year old daughter. Split when she was 1. For the last year, I have let him see her every Sat night till Sun night. The had a son with new partner, so cut it to every other weekend as my kids needed time to bond too.
Anyway, now he is seeing solicitors etc calling the shots cuz he wants to take her on holiday. I wanna scream and shout over my dead body cuz my daughter is literally my world and no way would we cope without each other, never been apart for more than a night. But he will get this when he takes me to court. I cant get legal aid and cant afford a solicitor so Im totally lost and scared of being bullied.
Please help cuz I dont know what to do x

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 06-Jun-09 17:53:57

Do you have any reason to suppose he can't look after her on hoiday? Why are you so opposed to your DD going away with her daddy?

monkeyfacegrace Sat 06-Jun-09 18:02:50

1- Comes home late sunday night drinking a bottle of powerade (for example)
2- heavy smokers
3- always fed kfc, burger king and choc. Withoutn fail. every time.
4- heavy drinkers while daughter is in bed (and she wakes in night)
5- She cries for me after 24 hours, she is never going to understand why Im not there for a week
I dont mean to give the whole holier than thou speach but we have totally different standards of parenting and he will not listen to me, its common knowledge that he knows best (he is only 20)!

GypsyMoth Sat 06-Jun-09 18:12:26

Sorry, but unless there are welfare issues ( nothing you mention will cut it in court) then your dd will gain her acess rights to her dad. I say this is her rights, not your ex's, because it's the childrens act which will be implemented here, in her best interests. She is 2, old enough for contact to start building up further, moving towards holidays.

GypsyMoth Sat 06-Jun-09 18:16:15

Sorry, but unless there are welfare issues ( nothing you mention will cut it in court) then your dd will gain her acess rights to her dad. I say this is her rights, not your ex's, because it's the childrens act which will be implemented here, in her best interests. She is 2, old enough for contact to start building up further, moving towards holidays.

GypsyMoth Sat 06-Jun-09 18:17:48

Sorry for posting twice!!

Also, you can take an mckenzie friend for advice. Google it or visit families need fathers website. They advise mums too.

monkeyfacegrace Sat 06-Jun-09 18:19:17

Thanks, yeah contact is established and always has been. Ive activley encouraged it, not just allowed it. He has a few times gone a month without contacting us, then shows up again. I understand holidays are part of it, and there has to be a general rule, but not all 2 year olds are the same and my daughter just isnt ready. Id never bring up things like the above in court as I know its petty in the legal system, but I still have concerns as any mum does.

dittany Sat 06-Jun-09 18:27:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth Sat 06-Jun-09 18:32:19

Have had some great help and advice myslf from fnf....... And I'm a mum. They helped get acess supervised, as my ex was nuts! Stealing during contact and showing DC what he had taken! They were great......

You can easily reduce separation anxiety and build up contact slowly. She will adapt.

monkeyfacegrace Sat 06-Jun-09 18:33:19

Thanks Dittany, but Im in danger now of just listening to the answers I want, and yours is exactly that! Honestly though it really is the case, but it cant be proved. Motherhood is so difficult, especially when my ex is the only person in the world I catagorically hate, and my daughter the one I cherish the most (except my son of course). Its such a conflict of interest!

GypsyMoth Sat 06-Jun-09 18:37:31

I suppose all you can do is play on his weak parenting,and his inconsistancy. Your dd needs him to be reliable and work with you to build contact up. But you say he isn't reliable.

Does he work? If he gets legal aid he may follow through with court, will cost loads otherwise. Will he?

monkeyfacegrace Sat 06-Jun-09 18:39:17

Nope he has a good job for the government, but his dad is a millionaire so we are talking barristers. Could just be a scare tactic but its working x

dittany Sat 06-Jun-09 18:40:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany Sat 06-Jun-09 18:46:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth Sat 06-Jun-09 18:46:44

Dittany. Have to prove these things don't we! Could just put on the bitter ex act otherwise. Am told that it's fine for him to have supervised access, but he has to have a forensic psychiatric assessment first. Not all straightforward. He did loads of things but courts seem to award access of some sort in all cases with a non order being rare.

monkeyfacegrace Sat 06-Jun-09 18:47:12

All Im asking is to wait until next summer, so she is 3 1/2 and will be able to speak properly (she is a little slow at talking-just getting 2 words together at the mo), and call phone me, and come home if she wants to. They only want to take her away in England so not abroad thank god, so worst case I can drive and get her. But this summer she just cant communicate effectively, and even screams and cries when I leave her at nursery. So will a judge listen as Im saying its fine next year? Or will I get shouted at, cuz I have PND from the birth of my prem son and have no backbone atm and crumble at everything!

monkeyfacegrace Sat 06-Jun-09 18:49:19

Cant get legal aid cuz my other half has a great job, but we have no spare money cuz like the rest of the world we have massive debts (that coincedentally ny ex left us). Had this confirmed by local solicitor.

GypsyMoth Sat 06-Jun-09 18:51:06

What is she like at nursery when you've left? Does she settle? Use the next year to work with him at building up contact ( if he will, if not, will not look good for him in front of judge)

MrsPickles Sat 06-Jun-09 19:02:03

A week away from a primary carer is a long time for a 2 year old. When she has only ever spent a night away, it would be too much to jump straight to a week away and she is very young for that. I would suggest you may want to build up overnight contact gradually, to work towards a possible holiday next year.

If he is looking for a summer holiday this year, it will be too late to take it to court now so don't worry about that.

I would ask for some assurances about the drinking overnight before you agree to a holiday or indeed any longer contact. Does he smoke in front of your DD? If so, that also ought to be addressed. I don't think there's much you can do about different parenting styles, parents do have different styles and he is entitled to his style as your DD's father. LIving on KFC for a week wont kill her although clearly its not your ideal. I'd pick your battles and tackle the big problems like the drinking & smoking.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 06-Jun-09 19:08:18

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RumourOfAHurricane Sat 06-Jun-09 19:10:20

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mrsjammi Sat 06-Jun-09 22:12:37

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monkeyfacegrace Sun 07-Jun-09 15:30:17

Mrs Jammi, what a ridiculous post full of assumtions. Wow where to start! Im not asking her to call everytime she has an issue, Im asking her to call if she misses me and just wants to say hello. Like I do with ,my mum, like every day! Not to comment on his parenting. He has been offered contact in the week (I suggested every Weds night), but he said no as 'he needs time to be with mates as he works all week'. So nope I wasn't reducing contact, just asking for flexibility. And he wont have her for more than 24 hours as 'she gets wingy'. He wants to take her away as its a family holiday arranged by his parents, so he can cope with her as he has support. Its a case of a young lad wanting to prove a point. He does very much love his daughter, but cannot deal with parenting.
As for powerade being non-alcoholic, well obviously, however it is still a sports stimulant, and the junk food is continuous.

mrsjammi Sun 07-Jun-09 20:45:02

Message withdrawn

monkeyfacegrace Sun 07-Jun-09 20:59:20

I think you have confused a few things! Im not here for an argument, but Im also not an english teacher and if I used text that came across controlling then I apologise, I didnt mean it like that. It wasn't my ex drinking the powerade, he gives it to our daughter, which I think is wrong, she is two.
And I stand by the fact that she should be able to come home if she wants to, same as she should be allowed to go if she wants to. She does need to bond with newborn, as my partner works full time, we need a weekend to do things as a family if you get me. Sorry Im rubbish at explaining things! But if she is with her dad every weekend, she cant ever have a day with me,her stepdad and new brother if that makes sense?

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