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Should I Stay or Should I Go??

(12 Posts)
IBlameThePenguins Tue 02-Jun-09 11:53:39

Hi all,

I am going to cut a very long story short, but I'm 24 and 27+2 weeks pregnant.

Since I found out I was pregnant things have been very tough between DPand I. Despite giving him numerous opportunities to talk about things and work things out, he has proved himself to be an immature, selfish, arrogant...err...man. Even going as far as to say I shouldnt be expecting support from him, and he doesn't have to be there for the baby and I, as it's not even born yet!!! hmm. When he's nice we have a lovely time, but these lovely times are becoming fewer and farther betwen. I seem to spend most of my time at home by myself, crying, and then resenting him even more for putting such bad vibes on to my baby at a time when I should be enjoying my pregnancy.

So my question is this; Is it better to stay in a relationship which has sapped me of all my energy, so that my baby gets to experience a "family" or is it preferable to become a single mum before my baby is even born??

Would appreciate any advice, especially from those who have been through similar.

Thanks xxx

IBlameThePenguins Tue 02-Jun-09 13:46:45

Anyone?

Overmydeadbody Tue 02-Jun-09 13:50:12

In answer to your question, it is always better to become a single parent and be a happy confident mum to your child than stasy in a bad relationship. All your child will get of family experiences if you stay in a bad relationship is unhappy miserable ones.

So you want to give your child the message that it's ok to be unhappy? That your emotions don't mean enough to you for you to priorotise them?

If you are not happy, don't stay. Seriously. You only get one life after all, do you really want to waste it crying?

Overmydeadbody Tue 02-Jun-09 13:52:13

And, why on earth would your baby not experience a 'family' if you where a single mum?

My DS has a family, me and him make up a family, we're not less of a family because there's only one parent hmm

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 02-Jun-09 14:00:30

Message withdrawn

msdevine Tue 02-Jun-09 14:27:13

sounds like he is acting up but do you think this will change when the baby is born?

my dp and i stayed together even though we had difficulties and we now have 2 dc and they are the happiest children ever

However our realationship is not at its best i really wanted to create that family mum,dad,kids.

I think some people run away from realationships too soo. Its hard having children and scarey.

What other problems do you have. Is he being serious when he says he doesnt have to be there? that must be awful for you, i went through my pregnancy like you as well we did not actually get back together until dd was 1yr.

I dont think anyone can say what you can do, but i know its such a hard decision to make.

I think its the most important thing, for parents to try and stay togther and i now have two wonderful happy children.

I have friends who tell me just to break up with my partner as i will be better off with out him.

But they did that and they are still not happy and their children are deffinately not happy.

It really depends on the circumstances if you can have a good freindship with dp and your dc will see him a lot maybe it wont be so bad it will be normal for the child.

sometimes i wish i had never got back with my dp and now if i were to leave my dd would be old enough to know whats going on.

Its a tough one.xxx

IBlameThePenguins Tue 02-Jun-09 15:36:57

Thanks for the advice.

overmydeadbody I'm sorry, i didn't mean to offend. I suppose I just have this crazily old-fashioned, rose tinted vision of a mum and a dad being a "family" unit for the baby, but you are right. I do not want this baby growing up to believe that it's ok to be unhappy, and I would hate for my baby to do the same when s/he's older.

I guess the thought of "going it alone" is a bit terrifying.

Did anyone else here become a single parent while still p/g?

XXX

ninah Tue 02-Jun-09 17:11:24

kind of
we still lived in same house left when dd 7 months and I had somewhere to go
was ok!

msdevine Tue 02-Jun-09 18:17:51

to put your mind at rest about going it alone if thats what you decide. In the time that i was apart from my dp (from 8months preggy until dd was 13months) I actually found it easier than when i got back with him.

I found it much easier to be on my own with one child than to be having to look after my partner as well e.g extra cooking,cleaning

Me and my dd daughter had our little routine and it was wonderful.

I now find it harder being in a relationship because it seems to take so much energy from me constantly trying to make it work.

xxxx

Ryn Tue 02-Jun-09 19:50:22

the only advice i will give is that it becomes SO much harder once the baby arrives to deal with a 'weak' relationship as the strain of everything takes its toll (sorry sound like a right misery guts)! I hung it out til my DD was 10 months old and this is just my experience but looking back I wish I had gone sooner!

We are all different but I feel like my first months with DD were spoilt as I had to constantly second guess EX P moods etc and it was like living on egg shells.

The prospect of going alone is very scary but believe me, you will have a closer bond with your DC than if you are having to deal with the demands of a DP that is babylike too!

Good luck in whatever you choose, but ultimately a happy mum means a happy baby! They may be small but are very clever at picking up your sad vibes!!!

I have never looked back and now have a new family of my own with a new DP my DD and one on the way, There is light at the end of every tunnel! You sometimes just need to be brave to get there! Lots of love smile

charliejess22 Fri 05-Jun-09 09:37:02

Ok, yes I have been in your situation! I had been with my husband for 10 years and married for 1 and a half years. We planned to have a baby and I got pregnant pretty quickly, two weeks after I found out I was pregnant I found out he was sneding messages to someone at work that lets say he shouldnt have been! It got worse over the next 3 months and I did everything I could to keep us together. He started an affair with the woman at work although several times said it was all over, he loved me and wanted the baby etc.... But it only lasted about 24 hours before he was back with her! When I was 5 months pregnant he told me it was over, I moved back in with my parents but still tried everything to win him back. My adorable son is 6 months old now and we have been living with my mum and dad since he was born - which is 80 miles away from where my husband is. I have just got a new job over here and am starting to sort my life out. He comes to see the baby every 2 weeks for the day but has no where near the relationship with our son that I do.

I wont lie, it was tough. I cried alot but had so much support from my family and friends that I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

If you are unhappy I would defo recommend getting out and in my experience doing it before the baby comes is better. I think I would have found it a lot harder if we had been together for a few months with the baby and then i was on my own.

Sorry have to dash now but will write again later x x x

messymissy Fri 05-Jun-09 09:51:47

I agree with the Ryn, it is much harder once the baby arrives and I felt the same - that DP was ruining what should be the most fabulous time, with his petty jealousy and demands.

If you do split - think if you want him to be included on the birth certificate - it has all sorts of legal ramifications if you do as it gives him parental rights.

And a happy mum does mean happy baby.

Msdevine's post is very interesting - some people do indeed give up too soon, but some (like so many who post on mn), leave it almost too late, when all their energy and confidence is sapped. Could you get a few days away to have a rest and a chance to think things through on your own?

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