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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

XDP has said I'm the lowest of the low!

25 replies

Mumofagun · 28/05/2009 23:21

It's yet another thursday phone call between Ds and XDP. Ds didn't want to talk to XDP as usual, as usual I forced the issue. Chaos, DS thinks I'm a traitor - why should he speak to his dad. I'm for it even though I know exactly why DS doesn'nt want to talk to him. I am such a wicked witch - hate it - going to bed probably ! Have called T mobile to get the phone disconnected - is that bad!

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CKelpie · 28/05/2009 23:31

Why force the issue? You are making yourself the bad guy.

If XP wants the relationship with DS then it is his responsibility to make it happen not your responsibility to force it.

Suggest he write a letter/record a CD to DS instead so DS has time and space to think about what his Dad is saying without the pressure?

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Mumofagun · 28/05/2009 23:37

Ah, I totally agree, but unfortunately the courts don't. Nor does dad see it as I'm doing my best. I'm tearing my hair out to make sure DS has a relationship with XDP. I can't win! As much as I love Ds I would now like to say *k him! I can't be bothered anymore!

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Mumofagun · 28/05/2009 23:41

CKelpie he has said tonight he may never speak to DS again and its all down to me!! Cos I am a poisonous witch!!

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dittany · 28/05/2009 23:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 28/05/2009 23:41

I'm In same position. Cafcass will be back out to speak to kids....... Am told over 8's won't be forced. And it's not your fault.

Have told ex to provide a mobile so DC's can switch it on when he's due to call.......up to them if they answer. Also stops his abuse verbally over the phone.

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CKelpie · 28/05/2009 23:48

Surely the court can only insist you make the child "available for contact"? The rest is up to Dad, at least that is how my solicitor interpreted the order for me when my xp tried to have me running up and down the country with ds for him.

So you are making DS available by enabling a phonecall, I would have thought.

Have you involved Cafcass? Could you suggest they get a Cafcass officer to speak to your DS and report back to the court on what it is he wants?

How old is DS?

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Mumofagun · 28/05/2009 23:55

Dittany - we are not in the court system at the moment, We have been for the past 4 1/2 years, but everything has gone his way, Since then he has not wanted what the court ordered. The very last court order was over two years ago and speaks only of the agreemment between ourselves of which there is none.It was in my favour, an agreement I drew up which he signed in court.

Since 2005 we have limped along. DS has not been happy but no one would listen ( Just a kid, not old enough, happy enough etc). Now DS is 8 1/2 he reall knows what he wants BUT XDP thinks that I have put it into his head, If only he could hear it for himself!! I despair about DS sometimes I really do, but then I have tought him to speak how he feels?!

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CKelpie · 28/05/2009 23:55

XP is calling you for it because it makes him feel better to have a whipping horse.

You are not a poisonous witch, your priority is DS, not keeping XP sweet.

Perhaps DS doesn't want to talk to XP because of all the nastiness?

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Mumofagun · 28/05/2009 23:56

CKelpie, like the idea of a CD.... Will ask him,,,

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CKelpie · 28/05/2009 23:58

Sorry, X post.

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Mumofagun · 29/05/2009 00:01

I Love Tiffany = we have separate phone - it doesn't help - anxiety on a Thurdsday night, DS gets arsey cos he knows XDP is going to call etc..... he really doesn't want to talk to him yet to talk to XDP its's because of me!!!

I just give up

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dittany · 29/05/2009 00:03

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Mumofagun · 29/05/2009 00:11

Yes I am a whipping horse and no I won't let me be !!

***cks! to it!

I really would like ( hand on heart) my DS to have a relatinship with XDP, However, he is a numpty, ignoramous, shit for brains, no nothing, my DS has the right to fathom this out for himself, not to be indoctrinated by his mother. He needs to know the man for what he is and how he sees him, not what I see him for. Fair or what!?

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dittany · 29/05/2009 00:22

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Mumofagun · 29/05/2009 00:24

Am going to bed now, willl text sfb about recrding Cd for DS because it might take some of the angst out of it for DS and he can't get the opportunity to be rude back - which I do not condone should anyone enquire!

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Mumofagun · 29/05/2009 00:34

dittany, whilst I know what you are saying, it's open to interpretation and what XDP has just said is that he will not speak to me because I have indoctrinated DS since he was 2 years old aganst him. He used everything against me in court, yet now he chooses to give up, The only thing different is that he has a girlfriend and child (not his but calls him daddy).

After tonights conversation where he called me a loser, he said he didn't care if he never spoke to his son again because he knew it would be my doing!" He said he was happy with his life and he wanted to get on with it!

OK fine by me, DS though? Told DS he was a rude little boy and wasn't worth his attention!!!

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dittany · 29/05/2009 00:50

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lostdad · 29/05/2009 06:50

He says you're the lowest of the low and you say he's a numpty, ignoramous, shit for brains, no nothing.

What would you do if two kids were calling each other names? Sounds like you both need to grow up.

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Mumofagun · 29/05/2009 23:38

Lostdad I totally agree with you but at least I keep my opinions to myself or just recently have ranted on here as a release valve. I do not say it directly to my DS as XDP does.

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Mumofagun · 04/06/2009 21:18

Ok everyone, please help me out here, update. Tonight is Thursday again, but the mobile reserved for XDP was switched off and left at work on purpose. DS was about to start his HW when the landline rang and DS answered it. XDP has not had a landline number for me for about 7 years due to harassment etc, it was intolerable. Whilst he kept demanding a landline number at court they never forced it. Unfortunately he asked DS's school to send him DS's file about 2 1/2 months ago. Even though I had had a one-to-one with the Headteacher and explained about not giving out my numbers etc, a mistake was made and they sent him everything, including work numbers, work e-mail adresses, and my home number. Within two days I got the silent phone calls. DS answered the phone and didn't even realise it was his dad. I heard him say, "I'm fine", very politely then, "who is it, who is it?, Daddy who?". He just never twigged cos XDP has never called on the landline. DS then said, "Oh, whatever, bye", and put the phone down. He told me it was XDP. The phone just kept ringing after that. I asked DS if he wasnted to talk to him although I did not want it to seem acceptable that he could call the house. DS said yes, but only to tell him what he thought of him. Each time the phone rang I cancelled the call. Whilst I have stopped the phone calls, I haven't stopped indirect contact as last week I gave XDP an e-mail address to send DS news by. He has never had one before. Does anyone think that it is reasonable, knowing that DS doesn't want to speak to XDP, to provide an alternative like this. I know its not as personal but they argue and insult the whole time and its destructive.? Sorry to ramble. I hate Thursdays.

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Mumofagun · 04/06/2009 21:43

Sorry to bump . So anxious.

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HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/06/2009 21:46

Do you mean you left the mobile at work on purpose?

I really think it needs to go back to court and they need to listen to your son. Perhaps your son needs someone neutral to talk to about his feelings.

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Mumofagun · 04/06/2009 21:53

After last Thursday's phone call, he called me later and said what he said, i.e he wsn't bothered if he never spoke to his son again because he knew it was all my doing, i.e DS not wanting to speak to me. The calls are so horrendous and have abig impact on 1) school work, 2) after school clubs 3 ) our relationship on that night, i.e Thursday. DS stated categorically that he didn't want to have XDP calling him. I have bitten the bullet. I tried last Thursday, to explain to XDP why things in DS's and my eyes as to why things had got so bad. He screamed over me and I never go beyond the first couple of sentences. He ended it after saying he didn't care, with, "well I'm going to call him next week because, I want to". Yes it was on purpose: 1) because I told him not to call but to e-mail him some news, 2) so I wasn't tempted to call him, text him etc. There's no point.

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cestlavielife · 05/06/2009 12:39

I have had similar - with ex getting angry accusing me of stopping dcs speaking on phone etc. they say they dont want to talk. they dont call him. he continues to call and leave voice messages - we dont usually answer the phone.

i spoke to CAFACASs offcier and social worker - got advice that dont force them, is not in their interest and can damage them.

agree with hecates - your ds needs to express his views to a cAACASS officer, this needs to be spelled out.

i think you need to stop speaking on phone to your ex, stick to emails and read re read carefully before sending sstick to facts.

there is no point speaking on phone to some who will scream - i have learned. you gain nothing. jsut feed his ego.

you cant explain to your ex, he will never get it and especially he wont take it from you.

was there a court order ordering phone contact? if yes, apply to get it changed. if no, then you are under no obligation.
take it back to court...dyu have a CAFCASS officer involved?

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Mumofagun · 05/06/2009 22:49

Hi Cestlavielife, thanks for answering and I feel a bit saner and no longer shaking!
There hasn't been an actual court order in place since Feb 2008 when the Judge said they were happy with our mutual agreement which ran up to Dec 08 and ordered " application to be stayed for 12 months with the applicant's right to re-instate proceedings within that period" or something like that. In other words, the court wasn't ordering our mutual agreement, it wasn't formalised. That period is well past and there has been nothing since because he decided that DS didn't have to see him. As far as phone calls go, they were only part of previous court orders and then our mutual agreement. My solicitor says I am not under any court order although the file remains open. I never took him to court , he took me. I really don't want to instigate court proceedings and my solicitor advises against it. I am in the process of changing my landline number because he should never have had it but I'm sure that will be frowned upon, i.e, if he can't get hold of his son on a mobile or landline how is he supposed to contact him, but, the phone calls are a disaster and he's never had the need in 8 years to contact me or DS in an emergency, only over contact and there is no contact now.Like I said, if there is urgent need to inform me of something or want to discuss something about DS I have now given him an e-mail address which he has been after for years. He hasn't used it yet though, even though he didn't speak to DS on Thursday.