question about sharing care with ds's dad - every other night?

[PintandChips]

Hiya,
i have just moved out into my own flat with my son, 10 mins walk from his dad. we are very keen to share parenting... i would personally like to have DS (2.5yo) at home most of the time, and go to his dad's perhaps 2 nights a week, but understandably his dad wants to have him more than that and i feel that i don't have the right to say no.
anyway, we have come up with a plan that basically means every other night, so Mon with me, tuesday at dad's, Wed with me etc., etc.
The thing is i am concerned that this is a very disruptive way of life for a child and tthat he would feel more settled spending more time in one place. But I'm not sure, anyone have any real knowledge or experience of this?
i want to do what's right for our DS and he's very close to his dad. but also i desperately want him to be with me most of the time and i think that i might be looking for 'reasons' to make that happen, so i need some impartial advice!
thanks,

[bigchris]

I'm sorry but I think that would be very unsettling for him tbh
and what would you do when he's school age?
doesn't your ex work?
can't you have him all week and yuor ex have him at the weekend
I think it's great he wants to be so involved though

[PintandChips]

well we both work part time , so we will take it in turns to pick him up from nursery and take him back to our respective homes - he has his own bedroom at each.
also, because i work more than him in the week, i don't want to not have him at the weekends! his dad has him one and a half days in the week and i have him two half days in the week.
also he works often at the weekend, so he will only be able to have him one night at the weekends.

they do like to have routine, and perhaps this is just too much to ask of him when he's so small.

[lostdad]

As long as your ds is happy and you are working with your ex in his best interests you are doing fine. Keep talking and things will be fine. Stop and trouble will inevitably start.

You are both your ds' parents.

What works in some situations, doesn't work in others. Only you and you ex know your one - do not listen to anyone else.

[Niceguy2]

Best thing to do is trial it and see if it works.

I must admit, when my kids were younger and they saw their mum 3 days a week. The routine seemed to work well back then but I believe they are more settled now that they see their mum less.

I think at one point they were being passed around like parcels. Ie. Mum's then dad's then school/childminder. Now they are with me then every other weekend see their mum.

I'm not saying your DS should see his dad less. Like Lostdad says, you should agree this with your ex but the above was just my personal experience.

[dustbuster]

Hi Pint and Chips,

My DD is 14 months, my ex and I have a very amicable co-parenting relationship (so far!) and he lives up the road. He initially suggested something similar to your set up, but I felt it would be too disruptive. This is what we do:

Ex picks her up from CM one day in the week and drops her off the next morning.

He has Friday off work, I drop her off on Friday morning, and he keeps her until Saturday evening. I then have her Sunday and Monday, which I have off work.

So although he only has her two nights a week, we both have two full days at home with her. I usually work on Saturdays to make up a five day week.

Is there any way that you could both juggle your work so that you could do something similar? I really feel for you, I would not want DD away from me more than 2 nights a week. I found discussing our 'access' arrangements by far the most difficult and upsetting aspect of our break up and it took a while before we could find something we were both comfortable with.

Ex seems very happy with our arrangement, as he sees a lot of DD but also has time in the week to do his own thing. TBH I think he suggested the alternate nights thing because it seemed 'fair' not because he had given it loads of thought.

IMO, different houses every night would be rather disruptive. Even with our current arrangement, DD has been noticably unsettled.

Good luck!

[lostdad]

dustbuster - it's good you discussed things with your ex, as hard as it was for you. In the scheme things, you've probably made it easy for everyone - yourself, your ex and most importantly your dd: She sees her mum and dad working together for her benefit.

It certainly beats a long drawn out court case, I can tell you. Or at least I would imagine...

[OrangeFish]

ExH insisted on 50% of the time (one week with him another with me but I thought that it would be a bit disruptive to DS who then was very young and was used to be cared for me most of the time as his dad travelled a lot).

Sometimes I wish I had accepted Ex's suggestion of 50% as perhaps he would feel a bit more of responsibility towards DS. He has him in alternate weekends and one day a week yet... he normally leaves him with childminder or friends in order to go out so, is DS visiting my ex's house rather than his dad.

Having said that, I think alternate days would be too disruptive. Weekdays/weekends split too as the one who doesn't get the weekends does not have as many opportunities to do things with the child (as day outs, etc).

How about alternate weekends and 2 weekdays each (spending the night at either mum or dad):

Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
mum mum Dad Dad Mum Mum Mum
dad dad mum mum Dad Dad Dad

It works 50-50 over 2 weeks and the the most time the child spends without seeing the other parent is 2 full days
Alternate weekends

[Snorbs]

I also like OrangeFish's suggestion provided the child is capable of understanding it. One advantage of the week-on, week-off approach is that it's simple to explain which helps the child(ren) know what to expect. I did about 6mo of sharing the children week-on, week-off with my ex and while it wasn't ideal I do think that the children benefitted from knowing where they would be and when. It gave them some certainty in what was a hugely disruptive time in their lives.

Also, try to make the hand-over centered around some activity away from the home. Eg, the child wakes up in one house, goes to nursery / school, then gets taken back to the other house. Going straight from one house to the other can lead to more disruption as they don't get a chance to mentally "shift gears" in some neutral spot in-between.

[skramble]

I think children are a lot more adaptable than people realise, it all depends on how mum and dad get on and how they deal with DS when they have him.

The child will be fine doing nights about, especially if the child has there own room and things at each house, maybe a few tears when they have left a certain toy at the other house or whatever.

If there are long stretches of not seeing one parent when they have been used to seeing them yes they will probably miss them.

I would maybe do weekends about (or what suits with work) just to give both parents a three day stretch with child to enable days out and activites that might take a few days to do.