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Change to DS living arrangements...

8 replies

Janos · 11/05/2009 14:33

Some of you will know I have been going through the court process regarding my DS' and where he lives/will go to to school.

This means he is going to end up having his 'permanent' residence either with me or his Dad. A court report has been prepared and it's in my favour but I'm aware that things are by no means settled. There is a further hearing next week.

Very brief background: - Previously we had a shared care arrangement which I would have been very happy to continue with but that hasn't worked as XP moved 50 miles away without telling me, making it unworkable.

I expect I will get some folk piling in to go on about how awful I am, that's ok. If you must you must.

I would have been more than happy to continue the shared care arrangement if XP had not done this. However it has happened and I was presented with a 'fait accompli'.

Anyway this is going to mean some very big changes for DS and I really want to find the best way forward for him as his early life has been so unsettled. How can I help him?

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Janos · 11/05/2009 16:39

Bumping for any suggestions, thanks!

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GypsyMoth · 11/05/2009 16:42

how old is your ds? once at schoolage obviously it becomes harder.

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Janos · 11/05/2009 16:46

Thanks ILoveTIFFANY.

He's 4 now and this whole awful business has been precipitated by which school he will be attending.

XP had taken him away from nursery and registered him for a school in the place he had moved to - all without my knowledge. I think it was a deliberate attempt to get DS away from me as he didn't want to continue the shared care arrangement.

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GypsyMoth · 11/05/2009 16:55

oh my!! he did that!! well i guess that didn't go down too well in court. have cafcass been involved? thats terrible,surely its obvious that your exp is not doing any of this with his sons best interests at heart. when does he suggest you see your son then? what are his reasons/thoughts for doing this?

was the shared care agreement formalised in court or between you with no orders?

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Janos · 11/05/2009 17:06

The agreement was between us, not formalised.
And no it didn't go down well!

It's not CAFCASS who have been involved as we're in Scotland so different system - there's been something called a court report done. The court reporter has to prepare a report (very long and involved done over a period of six weeks, numerous interviews, quite gruelling) and their recommendation is that DS have his permanent residence with me.

This is very different to what he has been used to and I know he will miss his Dad (prevously 3 nights with me, 4 nights with his Dad - although that was flexible, ie I would have him more nights if anything cropped up).

I just really want to minimise the impact on him and make sure he is secure and happy in his new home.

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Janos · 11/05/2009 17:08

Well not his new home...that's completely wrong. I meant his home with me. I'm just anxious to make sure he is settled and happy.

I know this is absolutely not an ideal situation..just want some advice as to what to do for the best.

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2rebecca · 12/05/2009 13:32

I think the thing that will make your son feel most secure is to have regular time with his dad who he sounds as though he loves and not have the 2 of you squabbling at change overs. Is the court order also going to decide on access arrangements for the non-res parent? I think it is important to get this documented, time and place of pick ups, both parents must agree if any changes to pickups so no unilateral last minute changes. Also no bad mouthing each other in front of your son and no emotional phone calls when he's around.
If you do get residency I expect it will take a while for things to become civil between you and your ex. I think you are doing the right thing for going for the lad having 1 home and 1 school. Shared care only really works when both parents live near each other once children reach school age.
Your son will be happiest if you and his dad can put the animosity behind you and move on when this is sorted though. I suspect alot of this will depend on his dad though. I think you have to be a bit understanding of your ex initially and imagine how you would feel if your ex had been granted residency. If he loves his son though I'd hope he'd put the disappointment and bitterness behind him and agree to regular access to his son and concentrate on having a good time with his son when he's with him.

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FofaF · 12/05/2009 20:13

I absolutely agree re:not squabbling 2rebecca - we are careful not to do this anyway and there's no doubt DS loves his Dad. In fact I agree with and practice all your rules anyway - can't speak for XP though.

"I think you have to be a bit understanding of your ex initially and imagine how you would feel if your ex had been granted residency."

I'm very conscious of that (if DS ends up with me). I know how I would feel if it was the other way round

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