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God i hate him................Advice sought please!!

(25 Posts)
Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 19:14:34

Right a bit of background to start you all off and i warn this may get long.

I was with ex for almost 10 years,in that time we had 2 1/2 children,no.3 was very unplanned and he turned into the partner from hell while i was pg,in the end up i ask him to leave when i was 5 mths pg.He left the home but was always around,he didnt live far and seen the kids every day or every second day.I had my dd other 2 are boys! and since (this was about july 2002) till septmeber 2004 we were on and off with each other though he never moved back in,anyway we made a decision that he could take a job he had been offered in milton keynes and live with us as a family at the weekend every 4 weeks he came home till we all got used to the idea of being together again,then he would give up the job and return properly to the family home.With me so far ????????????????????
He goes to milton keynes and i find out he has met a girl and is seeing her,this began in october 2004,but i didnt find out till feb2005,he slept with me at xmas when he was home she now knows this and is still with him !!
The arrangement was that he would be home every 4 weeks from milton keynes when he originally went down in sep,it took him 6 weeks to come up the first time,7 weeks to come up the next time,then he didnt come up for 3 months,then it was 6 weeks after i threatened to stop him seeing them.Anyway after a huge row he agreed to make sure he was up every 6 weeks,i had it written up by a solicitor to protect the kids as by this time i was fed up with him messing them about,one has autism,one is only a toddler-2 years old and the other a daddies boy always wondering where he was so you can imagine the damage this is doing to them.He hasnt signed the agreement and last time he was up he didnt take them out or spend a penny on them.
Tonight he phones and says can the kids come to my wedding WHAT????????????????
Erm no so he says he'll go to court oh and while hes at it he cant be coming to see them every 6 weeks it will have to be 8 weeks cause he has a wedding to prepare for and cant afford to travel to us in scotland eveyr six weeks.And him and his new girl are trying for a baby together-he totally rejected our daughter form the momnent she was concieved but now hes moving onto another one!!!!!
He doesnt get to take the kids out on his own without me as he cant cope with ds1 and he dont even know dd properly so i insist in being with them,he has been know to be overhanded with ds1 and yell like a lunatic at them.
So i think i have it right that he has no rights to them but he seems to think he can go to court and get them to his wedding!!!!!!!
I know intent to go back to the solicitor and get her to write telling him that i am still offering the 6 weekly access and now i want it to take place in a contact centre as i dont want him in my home but he cant have the kids on his own,the thing is he has already previously said he wont do this and will just not see them,and fight me in court.He dont care and its becoming increasingly obvious but where exactly do i stand and does anyone have any other advice or anything really about this cause i am pretty shocked that he has come out with this.
Please .

zippy539 Sat 30-Apr-05 19:22:56

Oh Gawd Loobie - he sounds like a nightmare. I don't have any brilliant advice but someone else will, so bumping. Hate to sound trivial but it seems like you are well shot of him. What a horrible situation for you and your children!

tammybear Sat 30-Apr-05 19:33:39

I am annoyed on your behalf with him. Now Im not sure if my advice is correct, so please someone correct me if Im wrong, but if your ex didnt sign that agreement, then that might go into your favour that he cant even commit to seeing his children on a regular basis. And to be honest, I doubt the courts will give him access to allow them to go to his wedding if he cant keep a constant visit routine with them. But like I said, this is just my view, I could be wrong. But also courts take a while, so would it be sorted before his wedding anyway?

But your solicitor should help you out a lot, if you cant get to them sooner, then go to CAB. plus I dont think he has any legal rights over any of them, unless he was married to you, so he cant use that against you. sorry if this doesnt make any sense, or seems like a total load of rubbish. i really hope you can sort this out. i do think his behaviour is out of order

marne Sat 30-Apr-05 19:35:22

i cant realy offer any advice as i havnt been in your situation, sounds like he would be better off out of your life for good and out of the kids lifes.
I think he is trying to threaten you with court just to get you to give in on the kids going to the wedding, maybe you should say fair enough take me to court. I realy dont think theres a chane the court would side with him and i think he knows that.
Anyway, good luck to you and your kids.

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 19:47:05

Yeh i told him go ahead lets go to court cause i know he dont have a leg to stand on,the fortnight before he is due up the kids are clombing the walls with ds1 attacking everyone that moves, hitting himself,not eating/sleeping,playing up at school,ds2 the daddies boy-becomes a nightmare he does things that are so blatantly him that he knows he will get caught out and punished
and as for dd i cant move her off me she is literaly like a limpit cause she is worried im about to disapear,she starts gettin gup in the night crying and having to come to my bed,whining all day and crying when i leave.This behaviour comes in the fornight before he is due up and the week and a half after he goes so out of the 6 weeks they are upset for 3 and a half of them but he dont seem to care cause he is now increasing the time he is away.He is supposed to call a wednesday and a saturday night but has missed a couple of calls,i have them noted,and also he only calls after 7 cause then he gets free calls but he know fine well our dd goes down at 6:30 usually,but he doesnt make allowances and phone earlier to talk to her cuase heaven forbid that would cost him money on his phone bill!!!
Im going to the solicitor on tuesday as i dont think they will be open on monday.So do you think i have grounds to ask him only to see them in a contact centre?? But i have to remember that in enforcing that he may refuse to see them at all!
I am in two minds cause i keep thinking do i go through this every 6 weeks or now to be 8 weeks?or do i go through it once and for all and just kinda dont mention him anymore and let the idea of him drift from the kids ??

LGJ Sat 30-Apr-05 19:54:05

He sounds like a total arse,but would it not be better to not tell the kids he is possibly coming until the night before ??

But either way I would fight him tooth and nail, for access etc.,

tammybear Sat 30-Apr-05 20:14:20

Loobie, my health visitor suggested to me that my exp should see dd through a contact centre or at least have someone in the room with dd when he comes, be it me, my mum or a professional worker, as he was very emotionally unstable and she said it would be in the best interest of dd, as HV had seen what exp was like. I think you would have good grounds to have him see your children through that. Good luck with it all. And I dont think solicitors would be open Monday.

Caligula Sat 30-Apr-05 20:36:41

Loobie it's probably worth talking to one parent families, they have a free helpline 0800 018 5026 and an online helpdesk

Will probably be able to advice on some of the contact centre stuff.

What an arse he sounds, sorry you're going through this.

feebie Sat 30-Apr-05 21:58:42

Jeez Loobie, I'm so sorry you and your kids have to go through this, he sounds like a right pr&^k. If the kids went to his wedding, what plans has he made to ensure that they'll be taken care of, probably none, right? I mean he'll hardly be available to take care of them on the day. Let him take you to court, it's unlikely that he'll get anywhere given his history. Keep making notes of times/dates when he doesn't show up or call. As for the kids getting agitated before and after his visits, I wouldn't tell them he's coming until you know he is actually on the way, won't solve the "after effects" but at least they won't have to go through the build up. He's the last person that should be considering another child, he doesn't know how to care for the 3 he has. If his fiance is familiar with the situation, I can't even fathom why she would be willing to enter into this marriage and have a child with this guy!!!! I don't see any court denying access via a contact centre, and if he refuses... well, the kids (and you) are better off without him. Good Luck!

Caligula Sat 30-Apr-05 22:00:24

Nah, his fiance has been told that Loobie's a lunatic who is not looking after the kid's properly and doesn't let him see them as much as he'd like - and she's stoopid enough to believe him!

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 22:05:06

The kids know when he is due up,they know its every 6 weeks and the eldest can count it on the calendar,i am just going to stop mentioning him for the moment to them and hope he kinda goes away,as for the wedding he cant look after the kids anywhere else so he has no chance of looking after them at his wedding.
And his new girl is even worse,she has 7 children to five different fathers and only has custody of 2 of them,the others are all with their fathers oh and one is with the grandparents.Maybe this is the atraction for him a women who dont give a s**t bout her kids just like he dont so anything he does in regards the kids she aint gonna look down on him cause she is as bad if not worse.He always went on at me for not making time for us and spending too much on the kids so now he has a women who does the opposite he can have all the attention he wants.

bev1e Sat 30-Apr-05 22:25:26

Have your children met his fiance? I suspect not. Why on earth would they want to go to his wedding especially if they don't know who he is marrying? Go to your solicitor (on Tuesday - Monday they will definitely be closed) but be sure that you document everything so that when/if your children ask you why you wouldn't allow them to their father's wedding they can see in black and white what an arse he is/was!

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 22:40:04

No they havent met his fiance,i have spoken to her on the phone a few times in fact we got quite friendly which he freaked out at cause she found out loads about him that she didnt know and he had lied to her about.The kids know she exsists but ds2 wants nothing to do with even the mear mention of her name,ds1 has autism so doesnt really understand the whole situation and dd is too young to understand.He wont let us meet each other but he expects me just to let him take my kids to meet her i think not,she is on msn at the moment with him in the background syaing yeh im gonna get dna tests done then i will automatically get fathers rights cause it says so on the fathers for justice website,pppllllease he aint even seen a lawyer he is going on the advice of this website LOL.
I have never said anything about the paternity of the kids so dont know where the dna thing comes in but he seems to think if he proves this way they are his he will get rights to them..........please someone tell me this isnt so????

tammybear Sat 30-Apr-05 22:49:47

sorry loobie, but couldnt help pmsl over his comment about the fathers 4 justice website
as far as i know, if you were NOT married before september or december 2003 (cant remember which month it is) then he doesnt have any parental rights over the children, no matter whether his name is on the birth certificate etc. if they were born after that date, he automatically gets parental rights over them.

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 22:51:37

We were never married in the ten years we were together and our last child was born nov 2002 so none of those things fit for him,which is what i thought,oh and my solicitor told me that that thing of 2003 isnt fully through yet either !!His name isnt on any of the birth certificates either.

tammybear Sat 30-Apr-05 22:55:41

oh thats ok then. i only know this cos my dd was born dec 02, and my exp went through a phase of "threatening" me with parental responsibility rights and courts etc, so just remember from what my solicitor told me.

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 23:00:07

Well she has just admitted that she is in fact pg with his kid as i already supspected and he wants our boys to be page boys at the wedding and our daughter a flower girl,i nearly fell off my chair!!

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 23:01:27

tammybear did he ever go through with any of it??does he see you dd now? how does he see her if he does? see my worry is that in forcing the access centre thing he will turn round and say he wont see them so i have to look at the access centre option as also one of stopping access with him.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 30-Apr-05 23:02:28

how does tour xp think he's going to take care of your children though?? Or are you also invited??

tammybear Sat 30-Apr-05 23:07:46

loobie, he sees her every 3 weeks. we get on a bit better now than we did. he seemed to think once he got PR he could just come and get dd when ever he liked. he thought he could have some "power" over me, but when i put him right, he soon backed down, and then didnt bother cos he couldnt afford it! Ive always been happy enough to either have my mum or me there when he comes to see her. he wants to have dd at his (he lives 3 hours away) Im not too keen on it, but if he can show that he and dd have a good relationship (which at the moment is a bit hit and miss) then ill feel a little bit better. no point allowing dd to go there if shes gonna just be miserable is there?

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 23:11:03

See ex lives in milton keynes and comes to scotland supposed to be every 6 weeks but has only ever been that way teice,he has a very temparamental relationship with ds1 and dd,he cant handle ds1 difficulties and doesnt even know dd as she is only 2 1./2 and has never lived with him

tammybear Sat 30-Apr-05 23:17:50

sounds like they'll be better off without him really if hes not going to try and improve his relationship with them. how often does he call them? i know you mentioned it somewhere

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 23:21:39

he calls them on a wednesday and a saturday but only if it is after 7 cause then the calls are free,only problem with that is dd is in bed usually by 6:30 but that dont make him phone any earlier to speak to her,shes the one he rejected from conception cause she was a BIG surprise and he still does it to this day even though he tries to say he loves her the same as the boys.He can treat her like that yet run away and make another baby with someone else how does he think she is gonna feel when she is old enuogh but hey he dont care bout the kids.

tammybear Sat 30-Apr-05 23:26:06

i really cannot believe his attitude! and phone calls arent that expensive especially if you're ringing to a landline, and what does it matter when you're ringing your old children. feel very angry for you

Loobie Sat 30-Apr-05 23:29:34

he just really does not deserve to have them he gives them £60 a week and thinks that makes him the worlds best father cause a lot of other fathers dont do that.God the title says it all i really really hate him so much.
He tihnks i should be so grateful but he doesnt realise how easy he has had it with the kids,since we split until he left in sep2004 he still treated my house like a second home,he had a key walked in and out even came in and had luch from work when i was out,i didnt mind all this ,he came round every day and seen the kids and he thinks he has it rough ggrrrrrrrrrrr

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