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Am I being taken for a ride?

9 replies

MeMySonAndI · 04/05/2009 11:57

I really don't know why I'm feeling bad about this but I wish somebody could tell me I'm not in the wrong.

I have been a bit annoyed with DS's dad, since he retook his life as a single man he has had a very active social life. THis has also meant that even when DS is supposed to spend time with him, DS is dumped with one or another friend so he could go out. Main irritating thing is that DS spends the week counting the days to visit his dad just to end up having sleepovers at other people's houses without seeing his dad. Further to it, DS has severe food allergies and carries an epipen, but, in order to get the babysitting he wants his father plays the problem down and has left him under the care of people who have no idea on how to keep him safe or apply an epipen should it be required.

Ex has now got a new girlfriend, she is a single mum and thankfully, now that she is in the picture, DS is not dumped here and there as often as before because they do things together with the children. I'm grateful for that.

ExH travels a lot due to his work and this has caused many problems in the past. He has always had the idea that his job is more important than mine and that I should drop everything to cover for him if he is away even if causes me problems at work. "I earn more you cope with it" was his life motto until recently when he caused me enough problems at work that I had to leave my job.

Problem is... he asked me to babysit DS on the days he is supposed to be with him so he could go in holidays with his girlfirend, aparently the thing couldn't wait as it was going to be her birthday. After much consideration I said it was ok, even if that meant that my boyfriend and I would end up with no time for ourselves for the last 2 full weeks (he also has a child so if we swap weekends with exes that means we end up taking care of one child or another all the time). Fine with it... but I asked him that in return I wanted him to baby sit for us tonight so we could finally have an afternoon to ourselves.

He rang me yesterday to say he could only baby sit from 9 as the celebrations for the birthday of the girlfriend will continue. Which obviously make it impossible for us to keep to our plans of an early dinner and movie afterwards.

After much telling me how important her girlfriends bithday is, he has offered for DS to be dumped with some friends, but just at looking at my face he said he will be here on time for us to go out... now... Why I am feeling as if I am a bad person for cutting their 2 weeks long "celebrations" short even when he initially agreed to babysit for us this evening and when boyfriend and I have not had any time to ourselves for 2 weeks so exh could go away with his girlfriend for a week to celebrate her birthday abroad?

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MeMySonAndI · 04/05/2009 13:59

bump

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CreativeZen · 04/05/2009 14:10

Probably because, in your mind, anything he does is more important that what you do. You need to get out of that mindset. He doesn't think twice about getting you to change your plans to suit him, so you need to start to feel the same way about him.

It might help to write it all down, each time he expects you to change your plans, etc. If you see it written down, you might not feel so bad.

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MollieO · 04/05/2009 14:32

Sounds to me that you both need to realise that you should be having the same priority - your son. Your ex sounds as if he is taking liberties. If it were my ds then I would not allow him to stay anywhere unless I knew that whomever was looking after him knew about his allergies and how to use an epi pen. If he is unwilling to agree to that then my ex wouldn't be seeing his son.

Then you say that you haven't had any time to yourselves for two weeks. Surely your priority must be your son and keeping him safe? Unless your ds goes to bed the same time as you then surely you do have the evenings to yourselves? Personally I'd settle for that unless I could be certain that my ex was going to take his parenting responsibilities seriously.

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MeMySonAndI · 04/05/2009 16:33

That's what I have been doing Mollie. But then he knows I will rather take care of DS than him being left with other people (it defeats the purpose isn't it? he is supposed to have DS for 30% of the time so they have time with each other, instead he dumps DS somewhere for most of that time, and I'm not saying his family, or close friends... just whomever who is distracted enough to think DS will be OK as long as you play the movie provided)

For this week he was going to be away, he had arranged to leave him with someone without me knowing he was not with him. He would have been away and my child somewhere I was not made aware of. I only learned about this because the people who was meant to take care of him rang to ask what was going on as ex has forgot to finalise the details.

I don't need holidays from my child, but considering I have lost my job to cover for his father's trips, that I am staying in the city to ensure he continues to have contact with his son, I feel sometimes, he is just taking advantage. There's nothing wrong with me wanting some time on my own, when the main responsibility to take care of this child rest in me 100% of the time.

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MeMySonAndI · 04/05/2009 16:36

CreativeZen, I have writing them down, it has only made me realise how often he justs walks out of his responsibilities as if being a dad to DS was only an optional activity.

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MollieO · 04/05/2009 17:45

I can sympathise as my ex doesn't want to see his son at all so I have 100% responsiblity all the time. It is hard but if it were my ds and he had a potentially life threatening allergy I wouldn't be taking the risk even if you think your ex is taking the p*.

Have you no access to more reliable childcare - relative, friends, CM etc? If he doesn't want to see his son and be responsible I would probably cut my losses. It is hard but it will only get harder the older your ds gets.

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CreativeZen · 05/05/2009 06:48

If you want to move, then move. It is clear that staying where you are to facilitate contact isn't making any difference, because he's dumping him with other people anyway. So stop organising your life around his needs. He's taking the piss.

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MeMySonAndI · 05/05/2009 23:53

Thanks. Sometimes I think I am loosing my mind... this gives me some perspective, thank you.

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solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 05/05/2009 23:58

Yes, start working on making a good life for yourself and your DS that doesn't depend on his father behaving reasonably. Because this man is not going to behave unselfishly. He is selfish.
There is nothing at all wrong with wanting a break from childcare sometimes - all parents need a certain amount of childfree time to do things that are for their own benefit only. But if your XP is this unreliable, it's best to sort out other people for childcare, whether that's relatives or paid childminders/babysitters.

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