Probably been asked many times but is it always good to have access with both parents?

[Paranoidornot]

Hello

I've posted about this in AIBU but would also like to get answers and help if possible from this board as perhaps some of you may have been through this.

ExH and I split up 3 years ago. DD is now 4. I have had new DP for 2.5 years, he lives with us and DD loves him.

ExH used to have fairly regular contact but was always unreliable - turning up late, leaving early, not changing her, not feeding her. His idea of taking her out was to put her in car with dvd player and drive her to shopping centre.

He then moved 200 miles away. He came up prob one day at a weekend and saw her for 5 hours. She spent the occasional Sat night with him.

Since Christmas she has said she does not want to go down to stay over with him anymore. She has seen him for occasional Sats but I have not let her go down overnight. He didnt turn up boxing day to pick her up and she was upset (she then went down the next day and when she came back said she didnt want to go back again).

He has:

driven her around in an unsafe car (no mot no insurance) I obviously didnt know this.
not fed her
stuck her in a car with a dvd for ages
shouted and been quite harsh with her over little things
Said bad things about me in front of her
not phoned when he was supposed to (repeatedly)
etc

She has 2 very good male role models in her life, my DP and her grandad.

The last time ExH came up he shouted at me and was quite aggressive so DP had to ask him to leave. I now do not want him in my house again. He also now has a new GF (3 months), who (long story) does not like me and calls me an evil bullying bitch. She has never met my DD and I do not want her to.

I think contact with him is just confusing for DD, is it going to scar her for life if she doesnt see him anymore? What happens if he takes me to court?

I;m so confused, thank you for reading so far.

[mrsmortenharket]

oh sweetheart (((((((((((())))))))))))))))
i'm sorry i don't have longer to answer you properly i have to pick up dd from nursery soon.

do you have contact diary, or seeing solicitor? i only ask becasue x had similar attitude and said in front of dd (on access when he was half hour late) i was lucky he turned up at all. then when he returned he didn't turn up until i said i would report her missing (dv issues with sols and police been involved).

fwiw, i also stopped contact when dd didn't want to see her dad anymore. they are now meeting at contact centre (x hasn't changed one iota) adn she is a lot happier for it, tho i think the break helped her. i have also said to her (and made sure she listened) that if she ever doesn't want to see her dad, that's fine but if she does then that's fine too. she now knows she can trust me to stick up for her. i hope that helps you, keep in touch and let me know how you get on xxx

[Niceguy2]

I would suggest you be careful.

At four years old the fact your daughter is saying she doesn't want to see her dad should be taken with a little pinch of salt. She hardly has the emotional maturity to make such a heavyweight decision.

Whilst your ex's behaviour is extremely distasteful to you, I'm sure if he were on this site he'd probably bring up a load of things you do with DD which he doesn't like too.

I think keeping a contact diary is a good idea, as is continuing contact for some time. If/when she's older and/or you have sufficient "evidence" then perhaps change things.

If you stop it now, you'll be painted as the evil vindicitive cow who's stopping poor old dad struggling to do his best to see his daughter etc. etc. blah blah. You know what I mean.

[GypsyMoth]

going through similiar. Untill there IS a court order then keep it with what you're comfortable with!

Don't think there are many sensible parents who would encourage their child to go with a parent in an uninsured car!! So stopping that is a good idea!

[cestlavielife]

keep a diary of times, dates etc.

go see a solicitor.

try mediation appoitnment to agreea regualr schedule of times and places.

if he takes you to court, yes he will get contact but if you have evidence you can ask for it to be supervised at contact centre.

you dont need to have him in your home to allow contact. third party could hand over or on doorstep.

[GypsyMoth]

Bearing in mind contact centres are for short term use. Not intended fir permanent arrangement. Am going to request third party handover if ours ever progresses too.

[scaredoflove]

To answer your question

yes, I believe children should have access to both parents (unless one is violent or an abuser)

Children aren't little forever, she will cotton on to what kind of man her dad is, good or bad. She needs to find this out for herself. She could easily resent you for holding their relationship back

You need to be the better person and enable her to have all opportunities to make a relationship with her father

[GypsyMoth]

So the op should continue to allow her dd to travel in an illegal vehicle? Really?

[scaredoflove]

that would need to be addressed but isn't a good enough reason to stop all contact

[mrsmortenharket]

when dd outgrew her car seat i would not let her travel in his car until he got the next size up. i didn't stop him walking over to pick her up by any means. if dd gets upset when she goes to see her dad and does not want to go, theni am not going to force her. yes she will se what kind of a 'man' her father is when she grows up.

[lostdad]

Yes.

Unless children are at risk from a parent, they should spend meaningful amounts of time with each. Not a token amount either.

Not liking the way a parent does things is not a reason to stop contact and children should be encouraged to spend time with both parents, even if they are reluctant - part of being a good parent is to do what is best for your child and not just giving them everything they want.

If you stop contact between a child and a parent you are effectively punishing your own child. If you openly hate their other parent you are effectively demonstrating you hate half of who they are and quite possibly making them feel stress - making them feel they should hate someone they love.

Children have a right to two good parents. I expect to get jumped on for at least some of the above.

On the other hand, I am shocked by the number people who, having heard about my fight for my ds' right to have 2 parents have used the phrase `I wish my dad fought for me like you're doing'.

With my situation, I get the feeling he may grow up to hate his own mother when he realises what has happened - although I will never ever criticise her to him. It's very sad.

[AnarchyAunt]

"Children have a right to two good parents."

I agree. But do they not also have a right to be protected from unreliable ones who put their lives in danger?

In an ideal world every child would have two good parents who cared about them and worked together for the child's best interests. Thats not the reality for everyone though.

OP, I feel for you and your DD. I have issues with my DD (6) and her unreliable dad, and it is very hard. You want the best for them, and if you are anything like me you will compromise a lot to keep relations with ex open. Only so much you can do if they refuse to work with you though...

[lostdad]

I agree. But do they not also have a right to be protected from unreliable ones who put their lives in danger?'<br /> <br /> Yes...that's why I said: Unless children are at risk from a parent, they should spend meaningful amounts of time with each'.

[GypsyMoth]

And if they are at risk? My ex has been ordered to have a forensic psychiatric assessment. God knows what good that will be! Or even what it looks at. Why can't he just be a good dad? Why does he find it so hard?

[Paranoidornot]

Hello, thank you for all your replies, very good food for thought. I appreciate you all taking the time.

He was supposed to phone wed / thurs when dd was at my parents o/night. He didnt. Found out later that he was at a well known holiday camp all week with the new gf and her 3 year old dd.

Lostdad - I agree, I have always tried really hard to bend over backwards and accomodate him so she saw both of us. He moved 200 miles away and now contacts when he can be bothered. I think we've just got fed up with him expecting to click his fingers and for us to jump. If he would arrange his visitation in advance as we have asked him to, phone his dd when hes supposed to and have a safe vehicle for her to travel in we would have no problem with him having more access. (His attitude towards his DD is not great and he is very snappy with her but everyone thinks that is not enough reason to stop her seeing him. Although he was violent to me he has not been violent to her. It makes me sick even writing that I have to ignore his mean attitude to her but apparently everyone thinks I should so she can have access to two parents).

Anyway, I am not going to chase him anymore re phoning etc. We will simply wait for him to act now.

[newlydumped]

i agree with others posts - simply ensure you write everything down - go through all the things of the past few years. Then simply stop contact.

If he can be bothered to take you to court (which I doubt given his history) you have solid evidence written down to back you up and also each time DD says she doesn't want to go then write that down also. You can explain that it was your daughters wishes and you ahve simply supported her in that.

They do say that crappy access is better than no access so the child learns for themselves that their father is a no good twat when they are old enough. But its your life and shes still your daughter - he doesn't seem that bothered to be honest anyway so i suspect it'll die a natural death anyway

HTH - stay strong - whatever you do will be right for you and yours x