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Birth cert naming....please could I have opinions?

(37 Posts)
tessofthedurbervilles Wed 15-Apr-09 22:13:30

Am in the final stages of my pg, exp has been an arse and little contact throughout. As the realisation dawns that baby will be born he is now pushing to be at birth and showing interest in the child at 7 months pg he was still saying he didnt want.
Hormones all over the shop and nobody I know is able to make any rational suggestions so please let me know what you would do?
If I name him on birth cert he is given his rights and boy will be make sure he uses them to thwart any chances of us getting on without him. He is controlling hence his bad reaction to me having baby.
It would be easier to leave him off, however, my baby will always have the father unknown on its birth cert and I just don't know what is best.

lucsnowe Wed 15-Apr-09 22:35:24

I can't tell you my opinion, or advise you really, but I'll just let you know my situation: my exp wanted nothing to do with me or his child once I announced my pregnancy. His name is not on the birth certificate and I'm pleased that is the case. I love feeling independent and unanswerable to anyone- but he has shown no subsequent interest, anyway. However, it could put you in a diffcicult position for claiming benefits. Also, if your exp is now asserting his claim over your child, surely he could ask for a DNA test? I don't know, but I think he's legally entitled to that, although my knowledge is really only based on Eastenders! A big factor, I think, is whether or not he will be a reliable father- if so, you probably need to consider the idea that your child has a right to know and have a relationship with him. Good luck. Let us know what you decide. x

Surfermum Thu 16-Apr-09 11:13:08

Not being on the birth certificate won't make any difference. Dsd's mum didn't put dh on dsd's and he was still able to get a court order when contact was refused and still able to get PR granted by the court when she refused to let him have that.

But what we are dealing with now (dsd is 13) is the fall out because dsd is upset that he never went on it. We have said we can get a new one did with her dad on it, but she says the fact remains that he wasn't on there in the first place and it matters to her.

Leaving him off won't mean that you can "get on without him", if he decides he wants to stick around and be involved, he will be able to do just that regardless of what you do about the birth certificate.

I know you've found it all incredibly difficult, and I think I've said this before .. just because he hasn't reacted that well to this unplanned pregnancy, it doesn't mean he isn't going to be a good Dad when the baby arrives. He is already a great Dad to his other child (or is it children), he may well surprise you once he is holding the baby.

oldraver Thu 16-Apr-09 20:05:40

Hiya

First of all... IF you leave him off the BC it will not say 'father unknown' it will be left blank, as you are not married he would have to be with you or give written consent to be included on the BC. Would he be willing to go with you ?.

Yes having him on the certificate WILL give him PR and you will have to consult him on decisions about you DC. Is it possible he could prove awkward or as you say use it as a control ??. If you think he could do, I would think carefully about it. I think you can have him added to the certificate at a later date (and he can always go to court to get PR) So maybe see how it goes first before you add him

It will not make any difference if you want to claim benefits or even go to CSA.

He can only really ask for DNA test (to answer the previous poster) if you went to the CSA and he denied paternity.

Only you can decide where you want to go with this, but i would advise waiting if he is being awkward

hayley2u Fri 17-Apr-09 15:45:13

i had the same kind of problem. but i put my ex on te birth cert so the babyknew her fathers , it says father unkown other wise ans i thought that would me worse for the baby than a name

tessofthedurbervilles Fri 17-Apr-09 22:20:33

Well, he called me and we met for a coffee...which was really awkward as you can imagine. He said 'please let me in, let me help I want to, stop being so guarded'
I was like 'can you blame me? you said awful things that cannot be unsaid' he was like 'sometimes people say things in times of stress' The best apology I am likely to get.
Anyway, I thought about it and sent him a text to invite him to my birthing class, he asked me when and where, I responded about time and date and I haven't heard anything since.
It just seems like he will float in and out at will without consideration.
I guess he has a right to be on the cert and play a part but it just makes me angry that consistency is optional....

hayley79 Fri 17-Apr-09 23:17:43

i know how you feel but my child is now 7 and him and his famil still do not want to know i was told get the baby aborted or i will kill myslef??? so i told him to fuck off. but at least hes making a effort you dont want to be years down the learn the line and regret your choice i wish i had of done lot of things differently with my babys father i thought he would make the right choice but he hasnt. good luck

Surfermum Sat 18-Apr-09 10:39:21

That's good Tess. Have you heard from him yet? He might be in a bit of a quandary about how much contact to have with you - and I must admit you confuse me a little over it too. On the one hand you say you want to "get on without him" but on the other hand you seem annoyed at him "pushing" to be involved.

It just seems that whatever he does he is in the wrong. If he tries to get involved he's controlling, if he doesn't he's an arse. I just wonder whether he senses this himself and doesn't know how much to text or contact hence his inconsistency.

Maybe it would be worth telling him how it makes you feel and have a chat about each of your expectations of communication (although I must admit I would have expected a "ok, will let you know if I can make it" type text back).

I think I tend to feel drawn to your threads you know because of dh's experience. But can I say that in his x's case it didn't continue to feel this raw, she was angry, sooooo angry with him for a long time. But it did pass and she's OK with things now and they have a good, friendly relationship. I really hope things settle for you soon - but please don't think that it might be like this forever because in dsds's mum's case it wasn't.

TinyPawz Sat 18-Apr-09 23:11:28

This was similar to my position. I ended up putting my ex on my daughters birth cert and I have regreted it ever since. My ex disappears for months on end....doesn;t contribute financially. He has seen my lo 4 time in the last year, she is only 2!!! Doesn't bode weel for the future.

You can get the birt cert with father blank and if ex does have an active role in your childs upbringing , then you can get his name added later.

Snorbs Sat 18-Apr-09 23:55:29

Hmm. My two-penn'orth is that a birth certificate should be viewed as a statement of fact - it's there to record the birth details of a person, and who their parents are. It doesn't imply anything about who are the actively involved parents but I don't think that's what the point of a birth certificate is.

MollieO Sun 19-Apr-09 00:02:59

Ds's father's name is on the birth certificate but ds has my surname. Done on the basis that ds would only have his father's surname if I had it too (which wasn't going to happen).

tessofthedurbervilles Sun 19-Apr-09 05:57:10

Thanks all, this site is just great to get other view points and opinions. Family and friends' opinions get clouded by their good intentions but are not always objective.
Surfermum - yes this story is confusing and I have been thinking long and hard about how I can sum it up best...
He seems to pop in and out at will, he has no problem with being afraid to contact me, he just wants to contact me when it suits. If I initiate contact he gets annoyed and quickly points out 'I never wanted this child I told you to assume you would be alone through this'
Being quite blatant I think he only gets in touch to satisfy his mum (who really likes me and always has) because neither likes the idea of him abandoning a pg woman so with occasional texts to check in he can appear to be a caring person.
When we met for coffee he made me feel awful for trying to cope alone so I offer for him to come to the birthing class..he gets what he wants then doesn't want to commit to coming (its Monday and I am still none the wiser)
I can cope with the messing with my head and inconsistancy in his approach as I am grown up enough, what I cannot cope with is how this approach will affect my dc's head through its life. I guess I am trying to set a stance and make it clear before the baby gets here that he will either commit to a regular part (he says he cannot do this) or not at all (pride won't let him do that)
Argh!!!

hayley79 Sun 19-Apr-09 15:06:16

suppose least he does contact you my chils father is NOT on the birth cert but their again i really wasnt in the right frame of mind, and he has not EVER tried to contact my son or tried to see him if anything he has gone out of his way to avoid him so but he is a asshole but least he has contacted you and you have got his mum on side which is good

tessofthedurbervilles Mon 20-Apr-09 18:59:27

Well an update on this tale....I rang him before the class to check he knew where it was exactly (he knew roughly) and he did not answer his phone so left a vm giving him directions.
I got a text three hours after the class finished 'you told me you didnt want me there!??!!'
So I texted back and forwarded the messages I had sent him inviting him, A message he sent asking when and where and a message from me answering his questions.
I have not heard a word from him. I tried to call him to talk but he didn't answer.
So there we have it. After the class I went in to work and sobbed on my operations managers shoulder. Not a good idea as now work are worried about me.

oldraver Mon 20-Apr-09 19:05:27

HAYLEY 2 U.. It DOESNOT say 'father unknown' on birth certificates it is left blank and can be added ata later date. I do wish people would stop peddling this myth

tessofthedurbervilles Tue 21-Apr-09 13:42:20

Still nothing from him, what a d*ck brain....

lostdad Tue 21-Apr-09 16:42:04

Your child deserves a reliable father and it is not an unreasonable expectation he is reliable where you are concerned either.

Regarding birth certificates, etc. - legally speaking if he pushes it he can apply to court to get his name on it (getting the original one changed), get PR and a DNA test even if you object. But his lack of reliability when heavily colour things.

Unreliable and bad fathers make the job of ones like me that much harder.

- signed,

A good and reliable father.

gillybean2 Tue 21-Apr-09 16:53:09

What do you want from him? Do you want him to agree to be on teh certificate? Do you want him to be actively involved in the raising of your child? Do you want to get back together and play happy families?

Are you upset that he isn't doing what you want him to do and be who you want him to be. He's a dick, let him be one in his own time and get on with what you need to do to be the best parent you can to your child.

Birth certificate means nothing to anyone but your child. It is a legal document that your child will use through their life. How will you deal with the questions if father is 'blank'. And how will you deal with them if it is filled out and then he vanishes? I wanted my ds's father's name on there because I felt it important for him to acknowledge his child (the one and only thing he ever did for his child I might add).

Remember he can get pr without being on it, and you can chase him via CSA without him being named on there. He can go to court for contact and PR should he choose to at any point, and it doesn't matter of he is on the certificate or not.

I may be wrong, but I think you may be muddling up his interest in his child with being interested in you again. Ask him directly what he wants and what he hopes for the future regarding his realtionship with his child. Be prepared for answers you don't want to hear. And if there are no answers then I think you have to take that as meaning he doesn't want much involvement and is maybe just feeling guilty or being pushed by those around him (family, friends) to take an interest and do the 'right thing'.

Make your decisions based on what you need to do for your child. That is what you should be focusing on from this point forward.

tessofthedurbervilles Tue 21-Apr-09 20:15:01

I guess I just want to protect my dc from this man unless he is prepared to step up to the plate.
He has wafted in and out and his promises of money and buying things has not materialised. He still has not bothered to apologise about the birthing class (even tho he insisted he should be included)
He can treat me how he wishes, I am truly past caring and know that when the time is right for me, much better awaits me and I look with positivity to that day.
In the meantime I just want to do right by my child and make sure they either 1, do not miss out on a father 2, do not grow up emotionally affected by an inconsistent father figure.
Lost dad - thank you for your comments. children do need a reliable father and it saddens me to see men fall short...

buzzybee Sun 03-May-09 10:51:02

tess - what did you decide in the end? I was in a similar situation but in the end the circumstances dictated the answer which was that because he was not around when I was registering her birth (in hospital the day after she was born) by default he is not on it. (We were not married and he would have had to formally consent to be put on it).

Considerations for me: how would my daughter feel? (but surely this is only a peice of paper?)
Would she miss out on any rights? (answer yes because he is a diff nationality so she could have dual citizenship)
What felt right to me? (don't short-change yourself, you have a right to take a stake in this decision too. In my case I really didn't want a PITA person mucking with our lives)
What might happen if I got into a new relationship and he wanted to adopt?

Actually as its turned out he now sees her fortightly for 1-2 hours (with me) which is rather awkward but my view is that this is enough for her to be able to make a decision further down the track about spending time with him. She's now 16 months old. He contributes nothing other than Xmas and B'day presents, about 5 items of clothing and buys me a coffee each time we meet! I'm quite OK with how things have gone thus far.

mamas12 Sun 03-May-09 11:31:04

Tess. hope you feeling more secure in yourself I think you know you can't rely on him at all so any contribution in any way should be looked on as an un expected bonus but not to be relied upon.
You say his mother likes you , now this idea might not suit but could you sit down with her and talk to her about her contact with her future gc then at least if she is willing then your dc would get regular contact from at least one member of his side. Making sure it is an arrangement between you and her and separate from the ex. of course.
You and him would be making other arrangements. Do you think that would work for you.

DeeBlindMice Sun 03-May-09 11:46:02

Don't "let him in". Whatever you decide about the birth certificate you do not want someone you can't rely on and don't trust with your life at the birth. Choose someone else.

If I were in your situation I wouldn't put him on the birth cert I don't think, because I think a man who tells a woman that she is on her own after he's got her pregnant is not a father in any way that means anything.

thesilverlining Sun 03-May-09 20:36:34

my rather late response is DO NOT put him on the birth cert.

If he proves himself to be a decent and reliable father then you can always add him later.

Seriously - once he is on the birth cert you can do nothing without his say so. If he is off the birth cert you can see how he pans out on his promises of responsibilities before he gets the priveledges of PR.

tessofthedurbervilles Sun 03-May-09 20:48:06

Thanks, have just had a problem with pg and it looks like stress has not helped so I have tried to focus on me and baby and not thought about him and his lame attempts at fatherhood.
I think I will leave him off and see what happens when baby is born and agree to add him if he manages to deserve pr....which I doubt.

buzzybee Mon 04-May-09 09:18:06

quite right - focus on you and your baby

My DD's father claimed that "I wanted him to have nothing to do with me while I was PG" as his excuse for avoiding me for 7 months...men are masters at self-justification methinks!

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