I'm feeling upset about dd not seeing hr dad, but not sure what to do..

[newlysinglemummy]

Exp was violent and has been to court and charged as guilty for harassment towards me.

He wants to see dd and has contacted me through solicitors and my solicitor wrote back to say supervised contact only.

I just feel upset as dd is growing up and he is missing it all, and I worry that if he does not get to see her often enough they will not have a good bond. He has not seen her for nearly 4months now. I do not want to have any contact with him atall but feel that I want him to see dd.

I dont know I feel confused, one minute I think he shouldn't see her and the next I think he should. I'm also dealing with getting over the relationship as well as trying to do the right thing regarding dd.

[kidowner]

Sounds like he still has a big hold over you. Only let her visit if she wants to. Did she witness the violence? If so she may be scared. Does he accept he was in the wrong for the violence? Or does he think you deserved it? Whatever you decide remember that children of abusive parents often turn out to be abusive, and daughters watching abuse heaped on their mothers often choose abusive partners as it's 'normal' for them. You can make a stand and break the cycle but only if you make sure, if he does have contact, you do as your solicitor recommends. Be open about why. Also, you almost have a duty to let any potential new girlfriend or wife of your ex know that he was violent. If more women did this there would be a lot less domestic violence in the world. The awful fact is sons who witness their mothers being abused often copy their dads. Women and children die every day because of domestic violence.

[N1]

If you promote contact with the father and the child gets hurt, you are going to be blamed and run the risk of loosing your child. Do you take that chance?

If you and the father move to talking and SS get wind of you and him talking, you are likely to be accused of starting a relationship with him again - even if you are not in a relationship with the dad.

You are right to be worried and feel sorry for the child. That part of you is commendable. Sadly this type of situation doesn't have any positive outcome in a short term.

As a second best, can his side of the family not see the child regularly? The ex should talk to his family and be able to be kept up to date. There may be a few chance visits, where there are a good few people about.

The ex, if he was violent would have to undergo all the courses he can lay his hands on to help him to overcome the violent issues he has. The advice will be given to him. All he has to do is take the advice.

There is no point you trying to encourage him.... as soon as there is a history of you communicating with him, that history can get used against you if the child gets hurt.

I am against cutting contact, in your situation, it's easier to keep things simple and to keep the ex at a distance. Your child staying with you depends on your "now" decisions.

[newlysinglemummy]

Thank you both for your replies.

Kidowner - dd is only 20months old so I do not know if she wants to see him or not, she keeps saying daddy all the time but she calls my male family members daddy as well. She did see him being violent and after that she did seem off with him, so i think she was scared even though she was only 13months.

The bit about warning new girlfriends I'm not too sure about that as he will make them believe that I am just jealous, I know he will from things he has told me about other women before.

When I say he was violent, he didn't beat me up everyday but was violent sometimes, not very often and he would push me around and grab me and things like that not punch me in the face. But what he was doing must be bad as he was found guilty for haressement. The thing is my dad was violent towards my mum so when I think about how violent exp was to me it does not seem that bad. And was not going to let my dd see that happen.

[newlysinglemummy]

N1 - there is no way I want contact with him, that is why it has to be done through the contact centre. He is not close to any of his family and I would not trust them to look after my dd anyway, they have only seen her a few times so do not know her well enough.

Oh yes I forgot to say exp does not take responsibilty for what happened and pleaded not guilty in court, so I am not sure if he would go to any courses to help with violence.

I just feel abit upset when dd is doin new things and getting smarter everyday and he does not see it. When he does get to see her he will not even know her anymore she has changed so much already.

[kidowner]

I can tell from your kindheartedness and your own admission that your ex's violence wasn't that bad compared to what your mother suffered that you have to some degree 'normalised' the violence as I described above. The thing is, there is no excuse for violent behaviour towards women whatsoever. It is NEVER ok to push someone around or grab them violently.If my dh ever did that to me it would be the END. Not just because it is illegal but because it would show the children this is what dads do. Then girls grow up in fear and boys grow up ready to do the same to their partners. OH MY GOD. If I had a violent partner I would dictate a letter to the police and social services and ask them to show the letter to the new partner if I couldn't do it myself. It is every woman's duty to let others know one way or the other. If my son grew up to be violent because I let violence be part and parcel of his upbringing I would feel I had failed him, his potential family and I would feel I have failed miserably as a mother.

[N1]

I think that feeling upset is part of a normal process. It's logical to think that you had a hope for a family - child mum and dad. That hope has changed and gone. You might get a good camera and perhaps keep a photo book with eventful memories about the child. The child will have the treasure of memories and if the dad ever improves, there is some history to show him. It sounds like you want to share the happy times and moments (about the child) with someone meaningful. Videos and home DVD's are the next best way to capture the events.

You might be better off trying to gain a better education and progress towards a meaningful career. Fill your time learning and looking after the child. Distract yourself from focusing on something that could be seen as a bad move.

Warning future girlfriends can be a good thing, but how does the new girl know what's true and what's not? If the ex turned on the mother for breaking a relationship up, that would be damaging. If the ex did change (if it's possible) would the reporting be fair? There are slander and harassment issues as well. If women are expected to warn other women about abusive ex's, should men be expected to warn other men about their ex's? I can see potential for problems.

[newlysinglemummy]

kidowner - I know it was unacceptable behaviour from exp that is why I ended it, and the main reason was because I didn't want my dd to see what I saw when I was growing up.

N1 - I am looking into courses at the moment to try to make life better for me and dd, I am just waiting for an interview date. I think we had the same idea, that I should focus on something positive.

[kidowner]

Wow you sound great!
Good luck with making your lives better and filled with love and cuddles. You will have broken the cycle. Congratulations!

[N1]

Yes. It looks like you have the right plan for the next short term future.

[newlysinglemummy]

Thank you both, sometimes I just need to be reassured that I am doing the right thing for my dd and not being selfish.

And our life is defintly filled with lots of love and cuddles as dd and I are like a little pair that are never apart..

[cestlavielife]

there are people in my dcs life who they see rarely, sometimes after a long gap - but the bond is always there and strong.

with others it wont be that strong ever... different circles, bonds...

your ex has lost out because of HIS behaviour and you are not responsible for that. he is. he alone. you should not feel upset for what HE is missing out on - just enjoy for yourself and share with good friends and family.

if he is a good dad and things go well in supervised contact then all well and good, and there will be time later to build a bond....

but dont worry about your dd and dont worry about your ex and what he is missing out on. he made it so...