Exh should not be talking to me like this should he ... long sorry

[sincitylover]

will try to be brief, ongoing problems with exH as he doesn't stick to agreement re seeing DSs - ie he never sees them for a full weekend as agreed.

DS2 is showing signs of anxiety about the whole thing and plays up when he is with exh for the 24hours he sees them every other week. And has said in the past that he hates going to daddys (and newP and their twins).

I have been referred to counsellor by my GP mainly to address issues of exH still trying to control me and also he manipulates the children.

Today they are meant to be going to exHs but exH says he can't come over and pick them up - I am waiting for my brother to arrive (he is always late) to help out with something in my kitchen. DCs rarely see him and DS2 in particular enjoys helping him out with what he's doing.

So eventually agree with exH that I will drop them at 5. In the meantime DS2 hides under his bed and says he really doesn't want to see daddy, doesn't want to stay there etc etc.

I text DH to tell him he doesn' t want to come. I then decide that perhaps would be better to take him over there tomorrow. DS1 meanwhile getting agitated cos he wants to go.

Drive over on the journey DS2 covers himself with his coat (so dadddy won't see me!!). When we get there I agree with exh that will drop him tomorrow when I pick up DS1 for football.

Exh huffs and blows and says we shouldn't let him get away with it!! (er with what exactly) and then moans cos he has 'made plans' for tomorrow afternoon - er its technically your weekend love!! I say well take DS2 with you (he is only visiting his new sil close by).

He then (and this is what I really object to ) takes DS2s hands and says to me well you make sure his hands are clean then tomorrow and don't you bring him in this type of clothes (DS2 was wearing football top and trackpants).

he says it with this voice of utter disgust and of course I can't argue with him because DS2 is sitting there. I just said oh he's had such fun working with uncle J.

Also if I had forced the issue he would have had a reluctant distressed child on his hands.

Because exH has messed with my head so much unfortunately I have to check that talking to me like this so out of order. I really shouldn' t have to take such shit but how do I stop it?

[sincitylover]

PS exh has OCD like issues re dirt and obessession with toilets etc but this still can't be right can it?

[CarGirl]

I'm on my way out be he sounds like a bully, I would stop dropping off/collecting and let him sort out the contact or go back to mediation he is being very unfair on your boys and you.

[sincitylover]

thanks car girl. We have not been to mediation the agreement was part of our divorce.

But things are reaching a critical point and I am so tired of constantly having to stand up to him.

I am hoping the counselling will help me find better ways of handling him.

Thing is if I really lose my rag he will just use it against me.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

this is really sad to read but very familiar to me as my exh was a bullying controlling prick as well
have you consulted your solicitor re:access arrangements,i imagine that like me you were probably decent and agreed to flexibility with regards to the children and obv.exh's work commitments
but it strikes me that alot of men seem to be getting away with very little contact with their children despite the mother's flexibility and cooperation
having chatted with a few divorced/separated men lately i have to say that my exh is not putting in his share nor is yours
i stand up to my exh now, don't ask me how i just won't allow anyone to treat me like shit i have wasted most of my adult life with him
its simply not on what he's doing to your boys but i have this with mine sometimes and i simply tell them that they must go
when they're older they can make their own decisions
all you can do is provide them with the best life possible which you already do

[sincitylover]

thanks asbm - exh really has no right to talk to me as if I am abt 5 years old. he has done this before 'ensurethey have a bath before coming down!! wtf

He sees the dcs as show things - one of the biggest arguments we ever had was when it was ds1s birthday (prob about his 9th0 he took him to a rugby match but came back after abt 5 mins saying DS1 had a speck of dirt on his top. While he was faffing around with it, ds1 started to play up - he manhandled ds1, I saw red (wanted to protect ds1) and jumped in between them and pushed exh out of the way - he lost his balance and fell back into the dresser. He was not injured as the push was not hard but said I was a violent person.

I know I am not but things like this do mess with your sense of reality.

[sincitylover]

ds2 is seven btw

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

have you taken a look at that emotional abuse thread on relationships btw
another grim subject for a sat nite i know,but there's alot of this going on it seems

[sincitylover]

yes I will take a look. I know its grim but soo common.

I need to break free form exh tho

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

absolutely, and you already have carved out a life for yourself and your boys
i would imagine that his new wife is being treated in exactly the same fashion

[sincitylover]

not sure he is yet because for one thing he is dependent upon her for a roof over his head.

What is apparent and DCs have noticed this is that he talks completely differently to me on the phone or them either on phone or in person when new P is about to when he is on his own with me or them.

eg normally when she's around he speaks in a reasonable tone but when she's not he is saying things like he said to me or talking thru gritted teeth.

Think that says it all really don't you?

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

yes and its totally wrong for your boys to have picked up on it too
bet he's still pissed off that you had the audacity to walk away from him

[sincitylover]

do you know what when I used to ask him to leave or say we should split (as things were dire) he would say we can't because I will end up living in a bedsit.

I used to say to him it's not your sole decision you know. All this whilst refusing to address any of the problems - his depression, lack of affection, intimacy, sex - refusal to attend relate. and so on.

[Debra1981]

I think the saddest thing here is that to your ds2's face your ex made out that his clothes and hands (ie ds2) were all wrong/disgusting. What's it doing to that poor little lad if daddy thinks that little of him? No wonder he doesn't want to see him.

[Janos]

sincitylover, do you have a 'formal' arrangement with your XH? maybe it is time to go for one.

He does sound like a bully and the way he talks to your DS2 makes my skin crawl, frankly.

You sound like you are being decent and bending over backwards to facilitate contact. He knows that you will jump in to sort things out if he changes arrangements - precisely because you are decent, thoughtful etc.

[sincitylover]

yes I totally agree. Being with him and dealing with this type of thing has had a lasting effect on me. So god knows what it does to children.

DS2 did go there yesterday afternoon and all was ok. But my exH and his new P think I am letting him get away with something - which is not how I see it.

[Janos]

Letting DS2 'get away' with something - what? being a boy?

Poor wee soul.

[Janos]

And to answer the question at the end of your post he most definitely IS out of order.

[piratecat]

I hope the counselling helps you. I have been going with my dc who is nearly 7, for about 6 months.

Sometimes i go in my own (gp arranged it is) and it's fantastic to be able to re stock me strength reserves, having not actually talking to anyone like a counsellor in 3 1/2 yrs of the crap.

[sincitylover]

yes exh makes my skin crawl too. He is obsessed with dirt and appearance.

What they say Ds2 is getting away with is choosing not to stay over at exhs on saturday night. The thing was I know if I had forced him it would have been counter productive. He was adamant he didn't want to go there.

But he did go yesterday afternoon and has also said that he will go next weekend (we are doubling up because exh is away for two weeks over Easter).

Janos we do have a formal arrangement submitted to court as part of divorce. But he does not adhere to it and as far as I am aware you cannot force the absent parent to see dcs more than they wish to.

I also think that's another reason why ds2 doesn't like it as he is only ever there for about 24 hours at a stretch.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

SCL that's useful what you have mentioned here about contact as I was planning to make an appointment to see my solicitor re:my exh
I now won't bother as I'll obviously be wasting both my time and money
your exh is a nobber end of
and yes sadly the full weight of allowing your sons to live their childhood normally will fall onto your shoulders
it's so bloody frustrating that the one male role model that they need is effectively AWOL at one of the most crucial times in their lives

[sincitylover]

might be worth just confirming with solicitor though. ASBM or perhaps someone here would comfirm

[sincitylover]

janos -have been reading with interest the other thread you are on about emotional abuse.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

tbh SCL haven't the mental energy to pursue it and foolishly it wasn't written into the settlement as we agreed flexibility at mediation
anyway enough of my rantings
how can we move things forward for you?

[Janos]

That sucks sincitylover. Really hope I didn't come across as having a go there - I am very much on your side! I really do sympathise and understand what it's like trying to be reasonable with someone who just isn't.

I know how frustrating and upsetting it is and how distressing it is to see your DCs upset.

I can't believe they think DS2 is 'getting away' with not staying there. The way they are carrying on why would he want to? Don't they see that children need stability and need to know whatthey are doing, where they are going to be? Poor DS2 and you, because you're the one having to deal with fall out as well.

Is there a 'neutral' 3rd party who could do the handover. If so, do you think that would help?

I'm sorry your XH is such a tosser.

[Janos]

Glad you found the thread SCL.