Should DD meet XP's wife and children?

[MeNmyGirl]

This is such a long story,..so i'l try cut it short as poss. I split with xp 2 and half years ago but hes never been in DD's life, never bonded or done a thing for her.

After we split he suddenly wanted to see dd so we met up once/twice a week (with me there) i soon cut back on visits after he seemed to just want to find out about my life rather then thinking about or having any interest in DD. Not only this but he used to cause arguemtents, swear and ask dd sexual questions about mummys life. He has let her down many times, turns up late everytime and time after time given false promises, including upsetting DD on her 3rd birthday letting her pick toys and getting to thw queue to pay to then say hes changed his mind...

Anyway,...thats just a few examples,..i wont let him have DD whos now 4 years old alone as i dont trust him, hes uncapable in my eyes. He comes across like dd's a toy to show around rather then thinking about how she;l feel...i am more then willing to meet up if he wants to see her, for example at the park or tigers where they can play with me there taking a step back.

XP is now married and has a baby who he desperatly wants DD to meet,...i just wonderd other peoples views on whether dd should meet them or not???

DD doesnt know about his child. I am worried that dd will be hurt that her dad is living with this 2nd child but never really botheres with her. Hes said himself he does eveything in the world for his 2nd child to make up for not doing a thing for our DD,...

Any views would be great, ty x

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

yes. I think that you should. It's in her interests to have a relationship with her siblings.

the 2 of you can work it out so the issues between you don't impact on her.

If he has a wife and child now, and he lives with this child and cares for this child, then surely he is capable of looking after the child he has with you?

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

oh meant to say that perhaps he initially wanted you back, which would explain the questions and the behaviour. But if he now has a wife and child he has obv moved on with his life, so perhaps a fresh start would be in order?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

Think about when she is older. How will she feel that her father has a wife she has never met?

My friend is in this position and feels that her father is ashamed of her and her brother and wants to 'hide' them from his wife so he doesn't have to admit that he has 'failures' as children

I also agree with Hecate about maybe he wanted to get back with you and has now moved on.

[GypsyMoth]

I'd ask him to make more regular effort with your de first! Sorry, but I feel they should have decent relatio ship first and build on it Before introducing others,she has feelings and sounds like he's trampled on them. No, he needs to prove himself IMO!!!

[MeNmyGirl]

Yeah i guess so to a point i just hate his way of doing things,..we'r totally diff like just an example,..if DD was climbing up high and was at a risk of falling and really hurting herself,..he'd say oh well let her fall and she can learn from it,..where as id rather make her get down and tell her she could hurt herself you know??

I dont have an intentions of letting him have her alone at the momment especially after i needed help from him to get DD to hospital and he said he'd pick us up,...and we were waiting and waiting...for him to let us down cos he was at the airport going on holiday!!

I dont really know what hes like with this baby if he does do stuff for her but if hes anything with this baby like he was with DD they could end up splitting up and it wouldnt be fair on DD if she coudlnt see the baby anymore...I feel she is too young but i would go along to meet the wife and child, i just dont know what to do for the best,...

[MeNmyGirl]

Yeah i think thats what i worry bout,..there isnt much of a bond at the moment she doesnt really know him let along involiving a women his child& he also has step child too who he wants to involve

[GypsyMoth]

Regular contact first ...... And by that I mean,working towards him having dd on her own. Once that's going well then he can take her home to meet his family and have his contact time with both his kids and new wife!!
Theres no rush, but you do need to let go a bit.

[MeNmyGirl]

Do you think im wrong then for wanting to meet the wife first?? I can barely trust her dad let alone a complete stranger...

[GypsyMoth]

The wife is really none of your business (sorry) but for the sake of niceties then would be useful. I would never let my ex meet my new dp.......god no!!!

[mankymummy]

agree with Tiffany about contact first.

you dont really have the right to insist on meeting his wife, the issue really is whether you think he is capable of looking after DD if he has her unsupervised.

you cannot expect anyone else (albeit married to her father) to be responsible for looking after her.

[moosh]

You could always have a chat with him first keeping it as amicable as possible, explain to him your worries and that you want dd to have positive visites with him. But if he is married now and has a baby then your dd should meet them. Maybe have an initial first visit with you, your ex and dd (no one else) and he can explain the fact that she has a baby (sister or brother). If hes not up for that then if I was in your shoes I would explain it to dd that she has a sibling and that she will always be loved by mummy and daddy. Because she is 4 she will probably love the fact that she has a baby sibling.
But I totally understand your doubts. My ex let my boys meet his new partner that he got on the rebound from me too soon and now they have split up (twonk!!!!)

[MeNmyGirl]

Hey thanks for opinons...i know the wife is none of my business...and i want it to stay that way,...but id want to know who ever is around my child.

Same as if DD was going over a friends house for example,..if i trusted the mum id stil feel happier knowing her partner or whoever else may be there....perhaps im OTT but shes my precious little girl who i wish to protect.

I guess as i have never seen XP deal with a tantrum or problem or if dd's upset etc,..i dont know how he'd be with her, or deal with the situation...whos to say his wife doesnt step in in a way i dont approve of?

Anyway thanks for your views,..im going to work on XP building up a relationship where im happy he can have DD alone then go from there.

[N1]

do you know how long ex has been in a relationship?

[MeNmyGirl]

Yes nearly two years.

[N1]

I would say that 2 years is something historic (or starting to be) and he has children, so not a good chance of breaking up. A court might see longer than a year as having some strength.

Given that you are thinking about starting some meeting up activity. it might be worth having a think about what you feel the minimum expectation should be from him and at the same time, you offer what you think the minimum expectation should be from you. Call that a "making an offer" then ask him if he thinks your proposal would a) work and ) if he agrees and c) if he can better the proposal (plan).

Formalizing an agreement allows both people to know exactly where they stand for a period of time.

I (personally) have mixed feelings about you meeting the new wife. If you meet her and there s a personality clash, then you might worry that she takes it out on the child, but if you and she don't met, there is no room for any personality clash. In my case I have no interest in meeting my ex's new man (many reasons), if anything I am dead against it. The more I know about the bloke, the more irritated I think I would get. I know the man applies some double standards and ex allows tis, as well as applies double standards herself. My son is tolerant of this, so I let him be tolerant.

If your child doesn't like the new wife, she is almost certainly going to let you know.

[MeMySonAndI]

I'm going to disagree a bit... I think that you should meet the wife, if she is going to be spending so much time with your child it is a good idea to have a good relationship (or be at least civil with her), knowing the story of your ex, chances are that this woman would be the one taking care of the needs of your daughter while she visits her dad.