HOW exactly do I go about moving on?

[ChasingSquirrels]

Brief re-cap.

Met ex-h at uni aged 18, got together a year later, lived together during uni, rented then brought together after uni. Lived abroard together for a couple of years, got married, came back to UK, had 2 children. He left (nearly a year ago) after 16/17 years.

And I am SO not over him. The last couple of years hadn't been great - partly because he was detaching, partly because we had young kids, partly because he was away alot and I found it hard to cope with both him being away and him coming back.

I have known, rationally, that we weren't going to get back together. I have said this to everyone, but I know a small part of me hoped we would. Anyway we won't and I need to move on.

I have a couple of very close friends (whom I have met since I had children) and a handful of aquaintances - work colleagues, school gate mums etc.

I don't have any major interests, basically I was happy with my family and spending time with someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I don't know the point of this thread, but I do know that it can be theraputic - so I am posting.

[winnie09]

ChasingSquirrels, I am sorry you are feeling like this. I personally don't think there is a precise time line regarding getting over a relationship breakup. I think it depends on many things and imho it's early days for you. 17 years and two children together; you don't just stop giving a damn because you know life would be easier if you could. I think people go at their own pace and even when one thinks ones begun to move on we can all have bad days.

Expand your horizons a bit and try (I know its easier said than done)to distract yourself from what you are still dwelling on. I think it is a grieving process but your post alone says that you've had enough of it. This I think is the start. In a similar situation I came to the conclusion that i need to act like I am over it and it will come and I believe this. Be kind to yourself

[inthemistsoftime]

Hi chaseingsquirrels, I remember you posted on my thread way back in november when h left us very unexpectedly. You were very kind.

Since then I have grown in strength and character and am moving on, I think the hard part is to accept that there is no chance of reconciliation, which I knew was the case with us, as when he decided to make that decision he knew it was final and so did I.

Since accepting that nothing is going to happen between us my life has improved immeasurably, I have an even more wonderful relationship with my children and have hitched up with all my old friends again and they have been wonderful and supportive.

When I feel sad over losing a friend and a lover, I think of something he said or did that wasn't very nice, it puts it into perspective for me, that I am a better person without him than I was with him.

As we always say, keep posting it helps to let it all out, sending you hugs

[tigerlili]

((((((((((((((chasing squrrels))))))))))))))))))))) sounds very familiar.
It takes time to 'move on' everybody is different ! And i definitley agree its a greiving process!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be kind to yourself take one day at a time!

[offerdilemma]

chasingsquirrels - your circumstances are so similar to mine it is scary. Except I only have 1 ds and we havent lived abroad and he didnt work away (tho work was too high a priority for him imo).

It is really hard. I thought I had moved on, then recently was shocked when I discovered I hadnt really moved on at all.

I think inthemists is right - it is about acceptance that you wont reconcile. and winnie is right about expanding your horizons and distracting yourself - it is when I am not busy that I realise how I miss him still. and inthemists is right - remind yourself why he is an ex (with me, since he left me for ow, I have to remind myself of the lies and deciet over the past 9 months)

are you having any counselling? or do you have any old friends you can go out with / talk things over with (going out is my answer to everything ?

[Isabeau]

It has been nearly a year since my H left me and I was going to post a similar thread. Similar to you we met at Uni and had been together ten years +
My H also has tried to detach himself from us (children and me) emotionally and although I haven't been sure if I would ever want him back, the fact that he has never appeared to want to try to salvage our marriage has been the most upsetting.
I was also pregnant when he left and our baby is now a few weeks old. This has brought old feelings back similar to when he first left. I know there is no real chance for us and I'm sure he has now met somebody.
I agree with a previous poster that it feels like a grieving process. No advice I'm afraid, just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone.

[ChasingSquirrels]

thanks all for posting.

Well, tue night I went out (he has the kids tue's). I found out about a social club (local IVC) in the area last summer, they have a tue pub night and I have been telling myself to try it - so I went.
Not sure it is exactly what I want, but every social contact is good - non? I'm not a drinker and the pub nights don't really appeal, but they organise lots of stuff so I will probably go again and see how it goes.

I know I need to move on, I know that what we had is finished and much as I miss him/his friendship - I can't be with him any more, and for my sake I can't be friends knowing that is all it is.
And I am in a much much better place than I was 11 months ago, but it still hits me like a fist if I think about it.
And with that long together most of my life and history is bound up with him - so he comes into my mind/conversation quite alot.

So, onwards and upwards (slowly ).

Thanks again for posting.

[raggedtrouseredphilanthropist]

hows things now?
I vaguely remember your story, as you became a sinlge parent at about the same time I did.
It is still hard isnt it? I totally understand your sentence 'And I am in a much much better place than I was 11 months ago, but it still hits me like a fist if I think about it.'
I lost it over the past couple of nights. xh came over for ds and saw me upset and was really nice about it etc. But I forget HE caused this hurt, and no matter what, he cannot make it better. I think the old habits of sharing things with your xp die hard - I still dont have anyone I have ever shared things so personally with, so when trouble comes I naturally want to go to him
I asked him to stay away today - I think its best to have no contact, otherwise I miss what we had. Not sure if he will still see ds tho I dont want him to be hurt in all this.

so, though no useful advice, just to let you know others are as far along in time as you are, but still not handling things very well.
perhaps we can prop each other up when these times come...

[ridingjoker]

i found moving house really helped. this is probably not a thing you can do if your staying in old home.

but have you had a mass clear out. move the furniture around. making the home feel new and fresh?? perhaps a lick of paint aswell.?

[ChasingSquirrels]

raggedtrousers - have you named changed since then?
Your post resonates with me - trust/sharing etc.
In these circumstances I would love never to have to see him again, but our children are 3 and 6 and I seem him 3 times a week when he picks them up/drops them off. I guess that will get easier, and hopefully less if/when they start going every other weekend instead of for 24hrs every weekend.

Moving house would, in some ways, be fantastic. But it is not really the market to do it in, I would like to stay in the same village and there is nothing around that is comparable, plus the cost of moving is horrendous when you factor in stamp duty. I have my eye on what's around, but I am not anticipating moving.
I am probably going to have a small extension though, so that will be something different. Once that if done I am having new sofa's (which we needed anyway but now I can choose them myself rather than compromising) and carpet in the lounge.
And I am going to try and overhaul the garden a bit this year.

[ridingjoker]

even just shift some furniture about in your living room. or get a new rug,

but in particular i would suggest redecorate your bedroom into a boudoir of your own!!new walls/bed sheets.

[ChasingSquirrels]

living room furniture has already been shifted around Although it is something I do on a semi-regular basis anyway.

I have seriously considered the bedroom. But I REALLY like it, ok so we did it together but the decor was my idea and all the linen was chosen and brought by me. So in some ways changing it would be doing it for the sake of it, if that makes sense.

I would like to change the kitchen floor tiles, which he chose and which I have never been madly keen on, but that is a reasonably expensive job so they can stay - for the moment.

[N1]

You were with the man for half yo9ur life. Yu and he did things together. While you and he did things together, you were building memories and keeping the thoughts so you can treasure them at a later stage.

If you and he met when you were 18, there are no new thoughts to "pack" on top of the current memories and thoughts you have.

Spending time on your own is helpful because you "unlearn" the things that you and he did in the stages you did things and tend to change the process to suit yourself. For example - you and he slept in the same bed, you on one side, he on the other. I would imagine that you use most of the bed to sleep now.

You should be looking to do things that you wanted to do but didn't do. Perhaps cast your mind back to when you were still in school, or even better, look up some friends who were in school with you but who you haven't seen in along time. These meetings renew you to being a person you were ages ago.

Accepting the loss is an important step. Usually one was betrayed and the other did the betraying, so anger is a reason to not want to see the person again. In your case (and I don't think I know about another post) the man left you. There is a principal - don't be where you are not wanted. If you take that principal further - it's go to where you are wanted. You want to keep the past but the past doesn't want to keep you, so look to the future - where are you going and more importantly, where do you think you can go - that will place you in a position where you are wanted.

I don't know how often you go out. If I did learn anything from people, old people (in a home) like to be visited and talked to. Those old people have a wealth of untapped life experience. These experiences are usually shared when you sit down and have tea with them. Older people know how to listen and can readily relate to what you say (usually). From a psychological point of view. Old people are usually more respected so you tend to want to listen to them more than give them details about your situation.

Another idea is to go out to meet new friends. Dating sites seem the more common place to do that, though I wold put plenty emphasis on the point that you only want a friendship and someone to accompany you to places. Nothing more. This would put you in a position where you meet people who are new to you and the meeting people should get you in a position where you can think about moving on.

[ChasingSquirrels]

Accepting the loss is very important, yes. I think I am only just recognising that. I acknowledged the loss, but I don't think I had accepted it.
I think I am starting on that route now - which is why I feel like I am taking a step backwards with all the hurt all over again.
But I got through him leaving and I will get through this stage.

I don't go out much, although I am looking for things to do.
As I mentioned further down the thread, I went to a local social group on Tue. I think I will go again and see how I fit in. And I have a couple of other ideas which I am going to follow up on.

Thanks for taking the time to post.

[raggedtrouseredphilanthropist]

yes I name changed - my ex knew my posting name and I believe he was reading my threads. I use to be named after 2 rodents....

I would love to never see him again too, and totally agree perhaps it will be easier when they have them for 24hrs, though I am also dreading that too.

Totally agree about acknowledging the loss but not accepting it. It does feel like a step backwards doesnt it - just when you think you are over the hurt, it comes right back at you.
Personally, I have decided the only way to stop hearing his lies (that I so want to believe btw) is to not engage him on any level other than necessary talking about ds. Its so hard, I want to share so much with him, but will have to try really hard to STOP myself doing so

Just try to remember how awful it was when they first left, how much easier it is now (even if it isnt totally a walk in the park). We WILL get through this stage, just like we got through the last one..