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Am I in the wrong here?

(13 Posts)
Amanda1 Fri 08-Apr-05 08:56:00

Message withdrawn

flamesparrow Fri 08-Apr-05 09:00:43

Are you meant to stay alone for the rest of your life until he agrees to someone you meet???

That's nuts. You have your own life to think about, and you wouldn't have made this decision lightly.

If they met and he didn't like him, would you actually say "Oh ok then, he won't move in?"?? If you would, then you probably have your own doubts anyway, if you wouldn't, then there is no point in the meeting.


Expectantmum Fri 08-Apr-05 09:02:07

Yes absolutely, as you said, he didn't ask you when he moved someone in with him, so would should you have to do any different? If his concern is whether your DD and DP get along, then I could understand it slightly more, but to me it sounds like although he doesn't want you, he doesn't want anyone else to. I think you should just say look, DD gets on really well with DP and thats all you need to know, you get on with your life and I'll get on with me. No doubt they are bound to meet at some stage anyway if your ex calls to collect DD, so whats his problem? Anyway, glad you sorted things with your DP, sounds like you have been very mature and sensible about the decisions you have made, so I hope all works out really well for you.

WideWebWitch Fri 08-Apr-05 09:13:35

No you're not in the wrong. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my ex dh if it was ok to move dp in, none of his business!

Amanda1 Fri 08-Apr-05 09:57:40

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Caligula Fri 08-Apr-05 10:35:07


Why not ask him if you can vet everyone he ever introduces your DD to and get them CRB checked!

I have some sympathy with his worries, it is a very nerve-wracking thing to know that someone else is going to come into your child's life and influence her and live with her, so I wouldn't dismiss his worries out of hand. But I would simply talk to him about them, acknowledge that he has a right to be concerned about his DD (at least he sees her regularly and is involved in her life) but make it clear that he doesn't have a veto on your life partner, any more than you have a veto on his.

I'm afraid this is just one area where he has to be a grown up about it and accept that he has no control over it, much as he would like to have.

Marina Tue 10-May-05 15:58:22

Amanda, I saw you were on another thread and thought it might be more helpful to post here to say I'm so glad you worked things out with DP after all. Mumsnet is so big now I had completely lost track of you after the cancer diagnosis and have been wondering how you are doing. Looks like he is going up north rather than you relocating down south after all...
How are you healthwise?

101StressPuppy Tue 10-May-05 16:00:09

Amanda, tell him to get screwed! he is so in the wrong. I would never ask my dd's father if it ok to move dp in. It's none of his business.

FLUM Tue 10-May-05 16:02:09

Yeah I do think that is unreasonable. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. This new chap of yours will be spending a lot of time with your daughter, I think it would be nice if your ex met him.

FLUM Tue 10-May-05 16:02:51

don't mean you need his permission but I do think they should meet

Surfermum Tue 10-May-05 19:50:11

I agree with Flum and Caligula. Of course it isn't down to him who you have a relationship with and who moves in with you, but I do think it's reasonable for them to meet.

If I was no longer with dh I know I would want to know who my he was with and who it was having contact with my daughter. And if I could get on with her, even better.

Bugsy2 Wed 11-May-05 13:00:50

Amanda, it is a tricky one. I have the same issue at the moment with my ex-husband wanting to meet my current "partner". I don't think that I want to be introducing them at this stage because we are not living together and although the children see him, he is not a significant part of their life yet.
However, I do think if I was moving in with someone, I would introduce them to ex-H (even though I wouldn't want to), so that then he could never suggest that he didn't know who his children were living with.
I know some people take the line that they would not accord us the same courtesy (and in ex-H's case probably not) but on the other hand just because they behave badly - doesn't mean we have to! (If that makes sense)

tarantula Wed 11-May-05 13:18:57

I agree with Caligula and Flum and Surfermum that if your partner moves in then it would be a good idea for him to meet your x.
I know that my dp would be anxious to meet a new partner of his x esp if there was any thought of him moving in as he likes to know who is living with his son and so that if any problems arise with his son eg school etc that he wont be meeting this other person for the first time in a stressful situation.
I guess also that your x maybe a bit jealous that your new dp will see so much more of his daughter than he does and that that is where this is coming from. Its no excuse I know for being rude and he will have to learn to get over and be grown up about it because he cant rule your life but it is understandable.

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