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dd desperately missing her dad-help!

(12 Posts)
daisydaisy55 Tue 03-Feb-09 20:33:47

my dd (3 1/2)is desperate to see her dad & has been in floods of tears, most days, also wetting herself most days(she's not had an accident for at least a year), xh being v rubbish at contact (should be every wend), last week ended up with us on his doorstep, him not answering teh door (too tired, stressed, whatever) with dd beside herself, refusing to budge. now in a total mess, consumed with guilt with what its doing to her (but still know going back is not teh answer), what can i do?!

aseriouslyblondemoment Tue 03-Feb-09 21:12:33

so sorry to read this
how did you actually agree contact?
i ask purely because at mediation my exh and i agreed to work out contact between us

daisydaisy55 Tue 03-Feb-09 21:27:15

agreed informally (he refused to go to mediation), have kept an open invitation for him to visit, but always excuses (despite equal amounts of complaints that he never sees her)-heartbreaking to watch.

aseriouslyblondemoment Tue 03-Feb-09 21:41:02

we agreed informally too
the mediator thought that we were both reasonable adults for this
my exh often works away so i naively thought i was being reasonable by being flexible
he has recently let the dcs down on a regular basis, last week-end being the worst as i had all their stuff ready to go
i think the novelty has worn off for him tbh
but where does that leave them?
and am tired of having to pick up the pieces
and obviously cant tell them the truth
please don't blame yourself he's your ex for a valid reason your dd should not even enter into it
im not too sure of an answer tbh im pondering my next move too as am sick of solicitors etc
but at least you know that you are not the only one going thru this

daisydaisy55 Tue 03-Feb-09 21:47:11

thanks, makes me so mad to think there are other blokes (women?!) doing the same thing. know there's not alot i can do to make him see her & try & keep her expectations v low (running out of excuses for him tbh). makes you feel you have to be even stronger, happier, etc etc for them, when you just feel like crying in the corner! sorry for the rant (& i havent even been on the wine!). off to bed now! xx

supervixen Tue 03-Feb-09 22:48:08

Oh I feel for you, Im in the same boat and its heartbreaking, I dont know what to say. Ive said daddy has lost his phone or he is working, but it doesnt work, my dd will just say why cant he get a new phone then. Or worse why cant he live here with us and see me every day. I am out of excuses, so if you come up with anything let me know. But i wanted to know youre not alone.

aseriouslyblondemoment Tue 03-Feb-09 22:52:49

supervixen did you have what seemed like an amicable reasonable arrangement with your ex too?

Fluffybubble Wed 04-Feb-09 09:50:15

Can you not tell her that she is seeing her daddy until he actually appears? Maybe plan something nice for the two of you for each weekend (cafe trip, rent dvd from library etc) and then if he makes himself available then it is a bonus? Can she speak to him on the phone?

My exh did this when he first left, he turned up late or cancelled because something better had come up angry. We ended up being referred to mediation through the courts and he was told in no uncertain terms by our mediator that it wasn't on. I think it took someone neutral telling him that he was out of order to make him make an effort. Since then, though, he has actually been pretty good (although it is only one day in 3 weeks that he actually sees ds hmm).

Your ex needs to understand the hurt he's causing your dd. Unfortunately, you cannot make him suddenly become responsible. Once I accepted that I couldn't make my ex behave better it was quite a relief, I just learned to manage my ds's expectations based upon my ex's crap track record sad.

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 04-Feb-09 14:37:53

fluffybubble i don't believe that they actually do
i think it is aimed purely at us but unfortunately it is our dcs who suffer
my exh seems to think that he discussed it on my doorstep of all places
and that i agreed!!hmm
he lives not far away and doesn't even call them inbetween visits either
nice man

Fluffybubble Wed 04-Feb-09 15:01:52

sad seriouslyblonde. I guess that it depends on the type of person your ex is, as to whether they actually care how their dc feel... My exh, whilst crap and selfish, hates being told he's upset our ds and many of our issues were down to him needing to recognise that our ds came first, not his social life / gf etc.

I wouldn't say we are there yet but my ds is relatively settled and accepts what little he sees of his dad.

It is also a factor if your ex is trying to get at you by letting down the dc's - that's awful angry. The next move is very difficult I imagine. For your own sanity it might be worth telling him that you expect nothing from him and tell the dc's that he is very booked up for the next couple of weeks (not forever!). Then he will have to go through you and make a firm commitment to see them at his own instigation, rather than continually letting them down?

My exh moved about 1.5hrs drive away with his gf, whilst taking me to court regarding access to ds. Our ds usually gets one phone call (5 mins approx) a wk from him - not a huge amount when you are a 5 yr old!! I've stopped trying to get more out of him, because at least now there is some kind of regularity, although contact is minimal.

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 04-Feb-09 15:38:52

tbh i don't know what's going thru his mind as we don't talk often
he wouldn't be a part of my life now if it wasn't for the important factor of the dcs
but i think that he is bitter,with me
he also doesn't like the fact that i have my own life and i guess it's his attempt to stop me having free time/being able to go out
he has shot himself in the foot tho as is losing any sympathy with my friends/relatives
its my ds1 who really needs him
but fortunately know lots of other decent men who are more than happy to give him their time
it's ultimately his loss
i think he thinks giving me maintainence is his responsibility nothing more
im glad tho that at least whilst not much your ds is having some kind of regular contact thou i agree it does seem rather scant

supervixen Thu 12-Feb-09 23:05:20

hi aseriouslyblondemoment sorry just seen your post.

yeah we did have an amicable arrangement, but he is just so dippy, and unstable. now he is moving 2 hours away with his new g/f and has no job. great!

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