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Really annoyed with my XP..

(36 Posts)
Aimsmum Tue 05-Apr-05 09:57:33

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hunkermunker Tue 05-Apr-05 10:03:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - I think you're doing a wonderful job with your DD and she's very obviously a credit to you.

Give not making an effort to get him to spend time with her a go and see what transpires. I'm that he says you share her parenting 50/50, but he sounds like he never says anything you could take seriously, so don't fret too much.

How does your DD feel about him?

saadia Tue 05-Apr-05 10:06:46

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. I'm shocked that you've put uwith his and his family's appalling behaviour for this long. I can see the argument that your dd should have a bond with her father, but unless he changes radically it seems as though he will be letting her down forever, giving her a lifetime of disappointment, and I don't think any child needs that. It is up to him to value his time with his dd, you can't make him do that.

Evesmama Tue 05-Apr-05 10:13:41

i know not the solution but she sounds like shed be better off without him or his pathetic family..fancy stirring up crap and getting your poor dd to have to come home and relay it
they all sound like they need to grow up and help your dd enjoy her childhood and time with them and if not tell them to p**s off!

Prettybird Tue 05-Apr-05 10:20:01

I've met you and your dd and she is a credit to you.

You and your daughter know that parenting and being a mum (or dad) is much more than just a few hours on a Satruday or Sunday.

Continue to be helpful about the time that they do spend together - but make him take responsibility for it. It is not up to you to chase him. If he is late - then it is his fault. Make sure that you are doing nice things with your daughter while you are waiting - and try to be nice about the times he is late. You are right not to bad mouth him in front of her - it will only back fire in the long run. (You never know, he might one day get his act together, and you don't want to have damaged her relationship with him, even if it is too late for the two of you).

It may be that the contact dwindles - but make it clear to him that if that happens, it is his reposnbility - that you are not, and have no intention of, doing anything to hinder is access.

It may even be worth (even if you have to smile through gritted teeth) letting his family know that "these" are the times that he has agreed to see his daughter and that you would appreciate their help in ensuring that she is not disappointed and that he picks her up when he says he's going to (and also doesn't cancel). Actually, I'm being a wee bit sneaky there - by "involving" them in that way, if they then at a later date complain that their darling son doesn't see enough of his daughter/they don't see enough of thier grandaughter, you can then smile sweetly and say that you had asked for thier help in ensuring that he did see her!

Anyway, remember you are a good mum! And you have a lovely daughter!

Aimsmum Tue 05-Apr-05 10:28:45

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Prettybird Tue 05-Apr-05 10:33:36


All you can do is to continue to give her positive messages. They will work in the long run!


Aimsmum Tue 05-Apr-05 11:09:36

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Prettybird Tue 05-Apr-05 11:29:12

Melville Street is very close to where I stay. Closest railway stations are Pollokshields West or West - it is then about a 5 minute walk.

Make sure your are going to PollokSHIELDS East or West (they're on different lines) - there are also stations called PollokSHAWS East and West (which are further out and not where you want to be at all !)

Listmaker Tue 05-Apr-05 11:33:58

God he sounds like a nightmare and makes me really glad my xp just decided to opt out (financially and physically). I feel for you because it's a horrible thing to actually stop the contact altogether because we all want our kids to have both parents around even if not living together. Sometimes though that just isn't the best thing for them. My xp would have just continually let them down and just failed to be the sort of father I wanted for them and they deserve.

My dds (7 and 5) have not seen him now for 4 years and they are happy, secure, well balanced kids and they rarely ask about him now. I think it has been the best that they have only known people who love them (me and my parents) and who never let them down and always put them first.

Still a really tough call for you and I can't believe how his parents are. What a damn cheek! I'd be fuming! My xp's family have all totally disowned us and I'm not too bothered really! They are a funny lot!

Good luck Aimsmum. You sounds like a great Mum and as others have said if you stay dignified and calm your dd will appreciate that in years to come.

saadia Tue 05-Apr-05 11:40:14

Poor little mite - she really is stuck in the middle. It sounds like she would be better off without the lot of them. But it is a very dfficult situation. Do you think it likely that contact with them will eventually peter out? It doesn't sound like they have her best interests at heart.

Is there any way you could accommodate your xp and his relationship with dd, but at the same time, without badmouthing anyone, send out the message to dd that even though this is how he and his family behave, it is just one part of her life that has to be dealt with, and that this shouldn't affect her own self-confidence and self-esteem. Complicated mind-games, I know!!

Aimsmum Tue 05-Apr-05 11:58:00

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ScattyMummy Tue 05-Apr-05 12:12:54

So understand wot ur going through - my xp seems to feel life goal is to completely contradict himself at every opportunity, as long as he is in the right. Whatever. My fault for chosing a half-wit, I suppose. BTW anyone know how to enforce court order for DD's maintenance from army officer (usual attachment or earnings, garnishee orders not applicable, I'm told).Would prefer not to go round with crow bar as illegal.

Aimsmum, is DD recovered now? It sounds like X grandparents not big on unconditional love - any wonder their son turned out like that? They will reap what they sow tho'. DD told x grandparents she didn't want to stay, but thank you for tea (and she is only 4).They hadn't seen her in over 6 months and I have never said anything against them or him. Cool chick, my DD

Easy Tue 05-Apr-05 12:24:23

Scatty, has your solicitor confirmed with you that attachment of earnings doesn't work with military personnel?

I'd be very surprised if that is true.

Caligula Tue 05-Apr-05 12:28:57

Hmm. So seeing her once a week and feeding her shit which makes her ill is 50 50 parenting is it? Well no wonder F4J think they're bloody superheroes.

Too bloody angry to post anything more constructive except that no, of course you are not unreasonable, your x is a tosser and his family are pathetic!

Prettybird Tue 05-Apr-05 13:00:53

Amismum. I have to admit that I also tried multimap first, with no success - but because I knew the name was familiar, then tried my company's GIS system (which we use to see where have network) and bingo!

It turns that one of the swing parks that ds likes is on Melville Street. Not that he goes there (or any other swing park) that often !

Aimsmum Tue 05-Apr-05 13:08:00

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Prettybird Tue 05-Apr-05 13:14:33

trains are very regualr - espcially as you can choose whether you go to Pollokshileds East or West. P. East is about every 20 minutes, P.West is every half hour.

Aimsmum Tue 05-Apr-05 13:47:53

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HappyMumof2 Tue 05-Apr-05 14:24:27

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ScattyMummy Tue 05-Apr-05 15:21:48

Easy, It's in the back of the form. Rang up Court Service who confirmed "but we can't tell you which form to use because we're not allowed to give advice". And I thought I was the lawyer!It's just that whole 50/50 parenting thing again - popping in once a year (and we're not talking birthdays)when convenient and truly believeing that DD survives on air and that it is indeed ok for her to go naked...My lot is not a tough one to be honest, but I find the whole reproduction without responsibility thing (and we're not talking "accidents") tooth-grindingly irritating. So admire the rest of you, much respec'(as they say)

Easy Tue 05-Apr-05 15:23:28

Hey sorry Scatty, I'm truly amazed tho'.

Aimsmum Tue 05-Apr-05 15:23:59

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Bugsy2 Tue 05-Apr-05 16:08:41

Aimsmum, you are doing a great job, holding everything together, repairing your life & being a mum. He is making a pisspoor effort to spend time with his daughter & sounds like he has no sense of responsibility whatsoever.
Somehow, without slagging them off, you have to make clear to your DD that she should not take too much notice of what her grandparents (his side) say about things. Any more clothing comments could possibly be headed off by telling your DD that sometimes older people have different ideas about clothes & don't really understand what's best for children like mummys do.
He is not entitled to your WFTC, that belongs to you & your DD!!!! He can apply for his own!
More power to you for being so strong.

piffle Tue 05-Apr-05 16:37:06

it is terrible, all I cna tell you is that it does get better

If she medically requires a dairy free diet and if he is unwilling to adhere to this, then that is a good enough reason to imply to him that he is not able to have unsupervised access, or feed her.
And as for MIL well she would say that, ignore her and be polite in response, that will irritate them more than knowing they get to you.
Just count your blessings you are out of it Aimsmum and move on, the best revenge is a GREAT LIFE!
and soon dd will know for herself what spiteful and delusional twits they are

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