Elmo

[Fluffybubble]

Here you go .

It sounds as if he is still attempting to control you. To an extent, he has the perfect tool with the dc, as he can claim to be 'involved' rather than interfering. It also sounds like he wants it all his own way...

Maybe you should think about having the free half an hour of advice that solicitors offer? It might make you feel better, as you'll know where you stand with regards to exp stating that he has to see your house etc (stand you ground there btw!).

If he doesn't get anywhere with trying to bully you (ie. you remain completely neutral and reasonable if possible) then he might back off. You are facilitating contact for him so he does not have grounds for complaint there really. Keep a diary of what contact you offer, and what his response is, so that you have a record of when he lets you down.

Hold on to the fact that you are doing the right thing for you and your dc. In a few months time, things could be very different .

[elmoandella]

i like the idea of a diary of contact. have arranged free solicitor for monday.

again today he wanted to see kids as he's off to italy tomorrow (to avoid csa mainly)

no idea when he coming back.

but yet again he had an excuse not to take them on his own. so we ended up going for lunch. where he admitted he could never take both dc on his own as "he cant do it" as it's "not possible for him to be able to look after both at once" claiming he would need someone with him at all times.

he's forever pointing out any fault i have as a mother.

for example he complained i once brought him to meet him for dinner in our local tesco as dd has some yoghurt down her trousers. he's insisting everytime we meet him that dc be put into fresh clothes to meet him.

bloody pita and extra washing for me.

yet i can do all this with 2 dc 24/7. yet he cant take them both away on his own for a half hr

[Fluffybubble]

I think he's doing a lot of this to get to you, tbh. All of this is evidence that you can hold on to.

The finding fault in you is probably designed to hurt you (as it all is, by the sound of it). The fresh clothes thing does sound like a complete pita though and I'm not sure that I'd be patient enough to do that so all credit to you!

I bet that if you turned around and said that you had made a huge mistake and would be going back to him that he would be pleased...All of these mind games would seem to be designed to wind you up and hurt you (using the children and letting them down is awful, but pretty typical from what I can gather). If you can manage to stay lovely and reasonable until it dawns on him that he can't make you change your mind then things might improve (?!).

Well done on making the solicitors appointment, if nothing else you will be armed with some facts. The first solicitor I saw was very gung-ho and claimed we'd take my exh for everything...I didn't go back to him! I think a good solicitor will give you an explanation of where you currently stand wrt the finances and the children, and advise you of the action you can take in the future. Then you can have a think about how you want to proceed...

[elmoandella]

everytime i see him he says i can go back to house and move in same way i moved out and it will all go back the way it is before if i dont like the way it is just now.



o yes, he is just trying to make life as uncomfortable as posible while he's extremely comfortable living with his wife being waited on hand and foot?

[Fluffybubble]

He may be on to a cushy number with his wife, but it sounds like he'd like you to say all is forgiven, let's start again...

He may also be trying to make you jealous by staying with his wife??

It's hard but keep in the front of your mind why you left in the first place, and remind yourself that he is doing his very best to wind you up. He's not doing himself any favours with this behaviour, but hopefully it'll help you feel that you are better off as you are (even though it's really tough at the moment).

[elmoandella]

its really hard not to just tell him to fuck off and not allow him access as i feel i'm being extremely fair allowing him to see dc whenever he wants aslong as i get a few hours notice.

[Fluffybubble]

The trouble is that any denial of access will not be looked upon favourably if things go further...It's so hard, because your instincts are to move on just not tolerate this rubbish, but you have to be as fair as possible, and document every instance when he lets you or the dc down.

Speak to your solicitor about what would be considered reasonable access, and then put it to your exp. Ultimately, any court (if it ever came to that) would be looking at the interests of your dc, and at their right to see their dad. You are being more than fair, and the few hours notice approach is not sustainable long term, so it is only practical to draw up some form of schedule.

Deep breaths and count to ten !

[elmoandella]

he refuses point blank to set up a schedule at the moment. i think perhaps once elmo is in nursery and i go back to work it will be more possible. it's only april till he starts. i cant even apply for work tbh until i know if he's got mornings or afternoons.

[Fluffybubble]

There's no huge rush to put something formal in place, if you can live with it until childcare is sorted.

He doesn't really have much choice about a schedule, if he refuses to set one a court will! It's much better that it is your mutual decision, for you and your dc.

Reading between the lines, he may be playing catch up with you. You are obviously happier as you are, and he's not! He needs to get his head around what's happened and to accept it. Until he does, you are probably in for more guilt-trips and messing around. Hopefully, your solicitor will help you to lay down some ground-rules and things will settle for you and your dc.

[elmoandella]

thanks. i'll just have to see how it goes on monday.

[Fluffybubble]

The thing that has helped me through is taking one day at a time (cheesy but true!).

Good luck for Monday, let us know how you get on .