FAO SolidGold

[LadyLiffey]

Solid, you have a real talent for saying things how they are, you are the crack cocaine of common sense....

Can you help me penetrate my x's forcefield of denial with some of your special crack??

In about a paragraph (cos that's his attention span!) how do you open a deadbeat's eyes to his moral obligations to his children.

Not talking about legal. Two relevant points, he can afford it but claims his money is 'tied up'. ("well unfucking tie it" hasn't worked) and he truly believes that by leaving I have 'implicity undertaken to support them'.

Can you help?! What would you say? He drives a very expensive car and lives in a lovely house, yet mocks me for living on benefits.

[PuzzleRocks]

I love SG's posts too. Bumping for you.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

yeah me too!
dont worry solid will come to your rescue
can't wait for the pearls of wisdom

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

Oh lordy, one thing I am rubbish at is getting money out of people (OK DS' dad is fine about paying up but various employers are not)...

Why are you not setting the CSA on him BTW? Is he the type to put all his bank accounts in his mother's/new GF's name or something?
Reality, same for your XP: that doesn't wash with the CSA either.
Or is it that you have tried the CSA and they are being (as they often are) fekcing useless?

Mind you, I would certainly suggest to these men that they are inadequate and morally bankrupt if they won't contribute to the upbringing of the children they conceived. It's also offputting to a lot of women to find out that a bloke has DC he doesn't pay anything for. Smart women get a bit at the claims that the XW is a cowbag who denies poor Daddykins any contact because she's only after the money boohoo.
(Disclaimer: WHile I sadly know that this isn't entirely true and there are too many women who do believe that their new beloved is a broken man in a bedsit purely because his XW is eeevil rather than because he's a dick - at least until Brokenman does exactly the same thing to them that he did to his XW - it's one way to give these dorks something to fret about).
Is it worth appealing to their vanity? IE real men make the effort to be honourable and amicable co-parents (DS dad is fond of telling me how much a) women want to shag him cos he's such a doting and decent father - which he is - and b) his male mates are gobsmacked with envy that he has a lovely son and a son's mother who doesn't behave like a screeching banshee or make unreasonable demands. Thing is, after initial hiccups, DS dad has been a mensch, good dad, pays fairly etc, so I have no need to screech at him.)
HOw about PIL? Are they convinced that their beloved son can do no wrong, or might they be prepared to shame him into treating you better purely so they can have a relationship with their grandkids?
Sorry not to be able to come up with anything better..

[LadyLiffey]

I fled to another country (to escape his abuse) and so if I take him to court for money he could take me to court for 'abducting the children'. I would have stayed in the UK if he hadn't been so controlling with money. I'd been bullied persuaded into leaving my job and he put such a tiny amount of money into my account each month. We had no joint account. I had to put groceries on a visa bill which he paid at the end of the month. Except, the month I left he didn't of course and left me with a two children, no income and a DEBT as well!!

Now....... 20 months on, things have settled. He still absolutely hates me. But he visits the children every 6 wks or so. For all his huffing and puffing, he can come whenever he likes. He's not coming this month though, cos he's going skiing!

I know you're right. HISTORY and TIME are the only justice. In 15 yrs, my children will understand that Mummy was entitled to leave Daddy, maybe they'll wish I hadn't, but they'll understand that that was my right. How is he going to explain driving around in a flash tart catcher and living in lovely house while they grew up? HOW does he think that is going to look to them??

I wish it was as simple as 'he is a bit thick' but actually he's extremely intelligent. I don't understand how he can not get that bit.

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

LadyLiffey: TBH I would imagine he gets it perfectly. He just doesn't want to. In his opinion, you're not really a person, more like a disobedient dog that won't be treated well until it stops rebelling and accepts that he is lord and master and must be obeyed. He's punishing you for daring not only to leave him but to be all right/better off without him.
I can understand how maddening it is but as you say, the DC will see through him in time. And even though you are on benefits, at least you can choose how to spend them, and when your DC get older and go to school and you can get a job or something, what money you earn will be yours to control.
Mind you, do you think he actually wants custody of the DC ie would he go so far as to have you charged with abduction, given that if he did, the DC would probably be given into his custody? Or is he just using it as a threat? ALso, if you left because of abuse, is there any record of it? You might be able to set the CSA on him anyway - it might be worth getting legal advice via Women's Aid or similar.
SOrry if you have already tried all this BTW, not familiar with your story.

[LadyLiffey]

Thanks Solid. I always said to him that he treated me like an incompetent employee, but actually disobedient dog is closer to the mark. It not only angers him that I left, but baffles him. He is angry with my parents for supporting me now as apparently they made it 'too easy' for me to leave!! Ideally I would have been utterly desperate and left to his 'tender' mercies. That would have been the perfect situation!!

I do care less every few months that passes. So my need to make him understand is about a tenth as desperate as it was. I'm almost observing his madness from afar now. I've very little proof that he was abusive as I channelled all my energies into maintaining the facade of happy family life for as long as was possible.

He couldn't cope with full custody. He can hardly cope with them both for four hours. I'm no longer really worried about that, thank goodness.

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

It might be worth getting a little legal advice. Partly because it drives men like this batshit with rage when they are challenged on their ridiculous unpleasant misogyny by the full force of Authority. ANd as long as you're safe from him, annoying him now and again is possibly worth it for the amusement value.

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

Also, it's worth remembering that men like him always end up bitter, broken and alone. They don't think women are really human beings, so they can't acutally sustain a lasting relationship with one, the women may fall for them at first (if they are goodlooking or rich) but will see through them and leave, like you did - and there will come a point where they are neither rich enough or good looking enough any more to attract attractive women. So they will end up spending their nights in smelly pubs with all the other woman-hating losers, moaning into their pints about what bitches all women are and not getting any sympathy off each other, because each of them thinks the other blokes are wankers and only they have been hard done by.

[JeanieG]

Solid- Do you know my ex then?

[LittleBella]

LOL at SGB's characterisation of loser men in their beers.

Unless of course, you are rich enough to buy company

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

LB: With very, very few exceptions, wanky men like this are not great with money either (or the CSA have caught up with them and extracted the bulk of it to pay for all the DC they have fathered and dumped). SO there comes a stage when they can't buy company and their looks have gone...

BTW, before anyone suggests it I am definitely not saying that women only want men who are rich and good looking. I'm saying that men like these think that being rich/good looking is all they need and haven;t got anything else to offer so when that goes...