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So 19mo dd's dad is coming to see her for the first time in 18 months. Please help!

(7 Posts)
CatchaStar Mon 12-Jan-09 12:29:19

Right, help!

Numpty exp is coming to see dd on the 26th of this month. He has only ever seen her twice, once at 3 weeks and once very briefly at about 10 weeks.

He is coming for an overnight stop, I have offered my sofa to him. I'm being very pleasant for the sake of dd, I think it's important for her to have a relationship with her dad. It's been hard for me to smile and be nice to him given his long absence, but it's for dd's sake. It has been his choice to stay away. sad

Anyway, when he comes up to see her, how do I act and what do I do? Do I step back and let them 'bond?' Dd is at that age where she knows who she likes and who she wants. She doesn't exactly let you down lightly if she doesn't want to go to you, blunt I think would be the word. grin

I have no idea how he'll react to her, or her to him. Do I need to take the back seat for the days he's here? I'm so worried she'll not want to go to him and he'll run off again.

Any tips/advice?

Please bear in mind this is going to be quite hard for me, I've parented dd alone for all this time and it's been tough at times. I also know that he'll swan in like nothing's happened and want to play happy families. How do I stop myslef from falling apart when he's here? sad

aseriouslyblondemoment Mon 12-Jan-09 14:40:57

oh this is a hard one
do feel really sorry for you
but you are going about things the right way and let's hope that he appreciates your decency
i think alot of us grin and bear it for the sake of our dcs
but i think if he is willing to put in the effort then i think that he should be allowed to be given the opportunity even thou its rather late
hopefully things will work out
and if he wishes to continue to get to know his child then this is the point where you can come in and agree on regular contact
dont worry she knows who mummy is

oldraver Mon 12-Jan-09 16:24:06

I would say to take it slowly (make him take it slowly) dont let him go in all gung ho saying "I'm Daddy".. he needs to build up a relationship with her first. I'm not sure how much she would understand the concept of 'Daddy' anyway, to her he will just be another stranger and he will have to understand this and make allowance for that

CatchaStar Mon 12-Jan-09 18:34:24

Thank you for the replies smile

It's stressing me out. He's one of these 'I'm jack the lad' types, and he really isn't. When I've spoken to him recently he's all for telling me about him and his problems. He even said 'oh, the fact that you had post natal depression explains a lot!' shock I'm getting the impression he's using my pnd as his excuse for his absence. sad A 'friend' of mine told him I had it, am really upset with said friend.

He'll ask briefly about dd when we talk, but then it's all about him. He tries to big himself up and I get the impression he's almost trying to impress me. Can't quite figure him out. After 18 months you'd think he'd want to know all about dd. hmm

I'm not sleeping very well knowing that he's coming up on the 26th. It's really got under my skin.

I have no idea how to react to him, and I fear that if I step in for any reason concerning dd when he's here, he'll think I'm trying to 'control' things. So now don't know what to do.

AnybodyHoHoHomeMcFly Mon 12-Jan-09 18:39:51

In her eyes he is just another stranger at the mo so I think you should control the situation just as much as you would with anyone else she doesn't know and balls to what he thinks tbh. As you say, you've been parenting her for a year and a half and he hasn't - he'll be clueless!

CatchaStar Mon 12-Jan-09 18:44:45

How do I 'introduce' him to her?

She knows her family, mummy, Nan, Grandad (who she calls Daddy because she can't say the Gran part), and her 2 aunties etc.

Do I say 'this is Daddy?' Or would that confuse her? Is it ok for him to tell her that he's her Daddy? If he did and I then told him not too, he'd get angry and upset with me.

Oh God, I hate this.

MollieO Tue 13-Jan-09 10:57:49

I'd be very wary of introducing him as daddy unless you are sure he is going to continue to play a part in your dd's life. My exp has only seen my ds once and that was when he was a few days old. I would never dream of letting him be called daddy unless he had earned that right. At your dd's age mine was becoming aware that other children had daddies and he didn't so I would be very cautious if I were you.

If it were me I would just introduce him as someone who is a friend of yours and who hasn't seen dd for a long time.

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