A positive thread about being a lone parent.

[OptimistS]

I've been reading a lot of posts lately about people who are desperately unhappy in their relationships but are reluctant to leave because they don't want to be a single parent. I've also been reading some heart-rending posts about people who find being a lone parent terribly lonely and feel that they are not a 'proper family'. Am I the only one who absolutely loves being a single parent? Come on all you single MNers. Let's have some positive stories about being a lone parent. I don't want to dismiss the feelings of those who aren't happy. They are valid feelings and they are entitled to them. However, I would like to show that it doesn't have to be like that and that it can actually be very enjoyable in the right circumstances. If we can give hope to a single pregnant mum, a parent facing divorce, or a recent single parent who is still finding the future daunting, it will be well worth it.

I'll start the ball rolling. I am mum to 2-year-old twins (well, 2 in a couple of weeks). I can honestly say that I am happier and more fulfilled now than I have ever been in my life. For once, I have stopped tying up my identity and goals (and therefore self-responsibility) with another and taken control of my own destiny. I feel incredibly empowered as a result. I don't have to compromise on decision making. I have a much stronger bond with my children than I think I would have done had I remained with my x. I have a good job with fantastic bosses who are more like friends to me, and wonderful friends who I count as family.

The family angle is a good one that I think we often get sidetracked by. But the truth is, if you look at different cultures in the world, and the idea of family through the ages, it's clear that the modern idea of the typical nuclear family is a very recent, western idea. Many societies are based on the idea of extended family, while other societies work well based on polygamy, etc. I like to think that familes can come in all shapes and sizes and are best described as 'a collection of people whose lives are interrwined and who all care deeply about one another". That could be two gay men bringing up a child, a single parent with children, a typical nuclear family, a step-parent family, or anything really. I consider myself and my children as a proper family. We have no need of a man (though it would be nice if I met the right one - I'm certainly not a man-hater). I count friends as well as relatives as my extended family, possibly because my friends are more involved in my day-to-day life than my family (my wonderful parents are sadly both dead, my dear sister is in Australia, and my elderly aunts and uncles all live miles away).

All in all, I am very content with my lot. Those of you who are happy too, please join in.

[FrenchMaman1]

Hi there. i totally agree. i now live with my son and we are much happier. he is happier because there aren't any more arguments and i'm happier because i am also more fulfilled and in charge of my life, doing the things that I want to do for myself and my son. like you, i am blessed with wonderful friends (my family is in a different country). My friends have been incredibly supportive and have seen me through hell in my relationship and have now seen me happy and content. I can't say it's easy financially but i am happier and my son has all the love he deserves. he has time with his father (though irregular as his dad is unpredictable) and i make sure that he feels loved and cared for.

i do think it's best to move on rather than stay in a relationship that's gone very sour. The children do suffer that way. nothing can ever be perfect and i believe every individuals should make the best choices that suit them and their family needs. Anyhow i agree that being a single parent isn't terrible. it can be tough but life is not simple.

[oldraver]

All I can say is phew... I'm glad somneone has come out and said this as whenever I read Single parent forums I sometimes feel a bit 'odd' as I love (now) being a single parent. Obviously I would of preferred not to of become a single parent in the beginning but yes my life is now better for it. I have to say that my husband did die but I felt my marriage was on the way out and was torn about leaving him.

Its only since I have read others stories that I now realise it was an abusive relationship and that the problems I was facing with him, were due to his mental state and his treatment of me and my son were due to his need to put me down and isolate me to make himself feel superior. So I am better for not having that negative influence in my life.

I also have to add that I chose to have a second child after being on my own for 6 years. He was very much wanted and planned and I didnt have the dread that I often read about with newly pg single Mums. Obviously I was a little apprehensive , but having a child is hard anyhow even if you have a partner. He is a joy to have and I just know I have done the right thing

[elastamum]

Hi, Can I join? I'm not quite there yet as there is still lots to sort out between me and my ex but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have 2 lovely kids, have got custody of the dogs and horses also, have a house that is all mine and I have now found a job so can support us all without ex if I have to. I have some wonderful friends who have been really there for me and I feel I am in control of my own destiny at last. I am no longer always wondering what my ex is up to ( he was a serial adulterer). The boys see more of their dad than they ever did when he was here and I get the odd weekend to myself. I think 2009 might be my year

[brightwell]

I'm a sinle parent to two dc, 14 & 11. Ex left when youngest was 14months old. I was devastated at the time but when everything settled I could see that home life was a lot sweeter without ex. He was a controlling bully who over the years had drained me of my personality, confidence & self esteem. The only irritation in my life now is the ex, he periodically throws his toys out of the pram when things don't go his way, (when I won't conform to his attempts to control me.

[MegSophandEmma]

I'm 29 a single mother of three dd's. I too am happy. Since seperating with my husband in 2003 and then divorcing him in 2006, I feel refreshed and happy. I went back to college last year and passed my GCSE's. Begged my husband years ago to let me do them but he wouldn't entertain the idea of me doing anything away from the home. I am now on my access to HE hoping to start my English degree in September and following that, my PGCE. Also I start latin dancing classes (on my own) next week. The independece that I have now is amazing, I am comfortable in my own skin at last and love the fact that I alone am raising my children. Yes its a challenge most of the time but the end result of my children becoming independant, happy and decent women, the challenge will be worth it.

I get to raise the girls how I wish, Watch TV when I want, visit places I want, eat when I wish and what I want and not to forget spend money on what I want and when I want. It's fab being a lone parent.

[MegSophandEmma]

Ooo forgot to say DD's are 7,6 (from marriage) DD3 is 20 months she appeared after a wonderful night with one of my male best friends .

[OptimistS]

This is great! It's so nice to read positive stories. Well done to all of you who have turnd your lives around and are doing so well.

I find it interesting that most of us, me included, are single parents following an abusive relationship. I wonder if that has anything to do with us liking our single status? MegSophandEmma, "I get to raise the girls how I wish, Watch TV when I want, visit places I want, eat when I wish and what I want and not to forget spend money on what I want and when I want. It's fab being a lone parent" is pretty much what I would say about my life.

Keep it coming!

If you're reading this having just become a single parent, about to become one, or already one but struggling with it, take heart that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Few of us felt this positive to begin with, but it's amazing how good it can be if you work at it.

[MegSophandEmma]

Your right optimist. What a great idea for a thread

When I made my husband leave, although I felt terrified for the first couple of days, after the initial shock wore off, all I felt was pure relief, empowerment and freedom.

[poshsinglemum]

Hi all.
This thread is great and there need to be more like it.
I was a pregnant single mum and my ex dp din't want her. Ok i was gutted that the relationship finished as I loved him but also tremendously excited at being a mum.
At first I had to grieve the 'perfect' nuclear family especially as all my mates have supportive partners but now I am over that and feel truly liberated.
I only have to worry about one baby and can give her all my love and attention. If I was with ex I would have another baby aswell. (I truly think that he is looking for a mother figure.)
I can spend money on what I want and have loved buying dd lots of new things without some man telling me that I can't do it.
I kind of feel liek it's dd and me against the world if taht makes sense?

[BurningBright]

Hi there. Great thread.

I became a lone parent before DD was born - ex walked out when I was four months pregnant. At the time I was devastated and deperately hoped that we would get back together - I genuinely didn't believe that I could do it on my own. But as time has gone on I've come to realise that he did me an enormous favour. Looking back now I realise that I was never truly happy the whole time we were together.

Life isn't exactly easy now, but it is a great deal better, happier, more fulfilling and less stressful than when I was with my ex. I no longer define myself in terms of being someone else's partner; I no longer make all the compromises and all the effort to hold together an unhealthy relationship with someone who, frankly, does not deserve me. I feel liberated. I'm independent, empowered and have learned just how strong I am. I enjoy a much closer relationship with my wonderful family than I did the whole time ex and I were together because he did his best to cause a rift.

And best of all, I have the most amazing and close relationship with my extraordinary DD. I'll never know for sure, but I suspect that if I were still with the ex, that relaionship would be very different.

[wintercitylover]

Another one here. I was thinking about this last night - similar circs to Brightwell - my exH ws controlling. manipulative and very clever at making me feel inadequate.

Although I love male company and plenty of sex (which seemed to dry up in one seven year live in relationship and def in my marriage) and have found different challenges being a single parent - on the whole I am not unhappy with living alone with DCs(had also lived alone before meeting) exH and am not convinced that I would like another live in partner because I think they would cramp my style and also I do not want to end up in a similar position as I was in my marriage with someone tryng to control me and rubbishing all my choices. It would have to be someone really exceptional tbh.

I have also built up a fantastic support network since splitting with exH and amongst my newer friends some are single parents who seem in no particular hurry to enter another live in relationship. But like to have male friends (with benefits!!)LOL

With the exception of one couple the others who are married are not particularly happy. One of my friends who I met for a night out before Christmas was v unhappy and yesterday a colleague came up for a chat and was saying how dissatisfied she was with her marriage.

Someone close to me said to me they wanted me to find a nice man and be happy but I am not sure that this is the answer. I don't think moving to another relationship quickly is ever the answer to be honest.

I was also single for three years in my late 20s (whilst studying for a degree) and had a great time on the whole. And after having been in two steady relationships since I was 15!

[Remotew]

Yes I've been a happy single parent. My DD is now 14 and I knew from day one that I would be on my own bringing her up.

I can say that it has been easier than if I'd had a partner. I did live with someone for a couple of years when she was 9 so I do know how it is in a relationship. I was relieved when it ended as I prefer it to be just the two of us. We are really close, she's a lovely girl who loves spending time with me still. Our home is a place of calm, love and laughter.

Money hasn't been noticeably lacking as I've always worked and she hasn't missed out on anything material wise. She isn't materialistic by nature.

I do have boyfriends from time to time. She panics when someone new is on the scene because she loves our life the way it is. This isn't necessarily a great aspect. A new man came to stay recently and she couldn't handle the intrusion. So I may have to wait for the live in relationship and few more years, as I always put her first. It's not a huge sacrifice I don't want to shatter her world as we've come so far.

[wintercitylover]

Yes I have thought that a full on relationship could wait until the DCs are alot older (DS1 is 12 and DS2 is 7) so I can give them my full attention.

They have said they don't want me to have anyone and although they don't dictate how I run my life I do think it would be difficult having another man living with us esp with the oldest one.

But don't rule out boyfriends or more casual stuff (kept seperate from them) in the meantime. In fact I have seen someone on and off since July 07 and dabble in online dating.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

i love being a single mum.
i am now the person i used to be and am so enjoying having the old me back
if anything i feel so much younger thou dont know whether this has anything to do with my new found freedom!!
yes i have crap days every so often and they are really dark and crap
but i tend to just get there now by just dealing with one problem at a time and i think being on my own has made me approach day to day life like this
am very much a life is for living person now!!
wintercitylover out of interest have your dss
met any of your recent men?and how did you prepare them for this?

[wintercitylover]

They have only met the exbf (the one I have seen since July 07) and only briefly. I only see him when I am not with them.

Have been on a couple of dates again when they were with their dad.

As for anyone I may meet in the future it would depend really. But would tend take it slowly or if it felt right would introduce as a friend quickly.

They are used to me having male friends generally(albeit gay ones).

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

my eldest ds(9)
is very anti me having a man unless its David Tennant lol!!
am dreading it all tbh and exh will kick off too
sorry for hijack optimists
maybe should start new thread

[glitterfairy]

Yes I am happy being single parent. I like the fact that no one can argue with me about my choices (except the kids). We come to decisions as a foursome (I have three) and we discuss stuff up front. There is no playing one parent off against another either.

I like deciding things like where we go and what we do and I enjoy doing things my way. All of this is within reason as my kids are pretty vocal about their needs and wants.

[Remotew]

Still keeping it upbeat. I have decided that any new man will be seen as casual instead of a potential live in partner. I want to put DD's needs first at least until she goes off to uni. It's quite liberating, more choice then as I don't have to look for the right age, status and location.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

abouteve that was really positive
there are lots of very liberating things indeed about being a single mum
and i guess our freedom of choice is one of them

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

I also love being a single mum. I do have a DP but he doens't live with us - I see him twice a week, but my life now is so much better than before with XH (another abusive relationship here)

I now can do what I want when I want, can go out and spend money on what I want without having to justify it. i'm back at work - and it's actually working this time as opposed to XH making it as bloody hard as possible for me to.

I'm back studying again and doing it myself. There's no horrid atmosphere, no getting up and pottering around as soon as he comes in the door. no fear.

The responsibility of DS thou is huge, but we're getting there. all I know is I have a Job I love doing, I have an amazing little boy who i'm very proud of (more so as i've done it by myself) a family who i'm immensely close to. a good network of selective friends. and tbh life is good right now.

[mummyfantastico]

I love being a single mum, and I love the fantastic relationship I have with my girls.
Xh wasn't abusive but he was quite controlling (and still tries to be) and he was very very possessive. I didn't realise how much I did for him, how little he did for me and my dds and how we all walked on eggshells to try to escape his moods until he left.
It's now been nearly 16 months and I feel like I am me again, which is a wonderful feeling.
Me and the girls (11 and 5) have a lovely, girly time, painting our nails, singing along to Mamma Mia, etc etc
It is fantastic to be able to decide to go swimming, visit my sister who lives an hour away, go for a walk along the canal stopping to open and close all the locks along the way, without xh not wanting to come with us but not wanting us to go without him, moaning all the way and telling the kids off for being excited.
There are things i miss about being in a relationship (ie sex) but I don't feel any need to look for a new relationship. If the right man comes along then great, if not, I'm happy on my own.

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi can I join too? I fled domestic abuse a year ago, upped sticks and moved 250 miles away, leaving everything behind (apart from the kids obviously)! Despite the fact that the situation is still traumatic as my ex is standing trial in May and it was me who instigated criminal proceedings, I am happier now that I have been in years and years. I live with my 3 children, aged 14, 11 and 4. We can watch tv in the living room (ex used to ban us from living room after 5 o clock), we can watch the soaps, we can eat off our laps if we want to, we can talk and laugh at the dinner table, the kids can dance to music and play with their slinkies on the stairs. If I'm too tired to cook we can have a 'carpet picnic' with sandwiches etc.
I don't have to shave my legs every day, and I can wear Bridget Jones pants without fear of ridicule. I can wear make up just for the school run (without being accused of seeing someone else) just because I want to feel and look good.
I am incredible close to my children; I went through a very difficult patch with my eldest daughter; they were emotionally abused (he is facing charges of child cruelty)and it's taken a long time to break down the barriers but we're there and we're very close.
I did have a relationship with someone uo here but he was high maintenance, didn't want me making plans for myself and the kids without consulting him first (ie a day out, swimming, shopping etc) and he wanted to mould the children, so that's over and it's just us now.

[Gettingagrip]

I totally agree with all that has been said. I have been on my own now for nearly two years. My relationship with my children is much better and much closer. I feel that I escaped in the nick of time to save my son from going down the same controlling/narcissistic route as his father.

Looking back on what I put up with I cannot believe that I stayed for so long!

I had no life!

Now I have no money at all....but, I am relaxed, happy (mostly!), I go dancing, I entertain at home, I read in bed, I have made loads of new friends, I am back to being me as I was twenty years ago. All that worrying about what he is thinking has gone, gone, gone.

I know I will never have another relationship, but I don't mind! It's been the best thing I have ever done. And also for my children. Of course its dreadful at first, and even now can be challenging! But i would never go back to how I was forced to live before.

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Gettingagrip...I wouldn't rule out another relationship, but it would be a loooong time before I'd let anyone 'invade' our space, this house is our haven. Money can be a problem, but at least what I have now is mine. If I budget well I can save some, and then it's up to me to spend it how I choose, be it on the children or a new pair of shoes for me!
Yes, of course it's challenging. Xmas was the first one we spent alone, and whilst it was exhausting ( I had to do breakfast, help unwrap pressies, build things, put stickers on, fix things, find screwdrivers, cook dinner, entertain etc) it was me who was rewarded with three tired but happy children cuddling up to me on the settee that night, and thanking me for the best xmas ever. That's priceless, and a feeling no amount of money will buy .

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

well done you
thats exactly what we all need to hear!!