Dd has never met her father but wants to. Have found him on facebook.

[Mento]

I was in a relationship and became pregnant at 17. Partner didn't want anything to do with child and I haven't seen him since.
Now dd is 12yo.

Over the years she has gone through stages of asking about her father and wanting to meet him and at the moment she is going through one of those stages! I have found him on facebook so it is possible for me to contact him but I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

Basically, I've been a single parent for 12 years but I've done well for myself, went to uni, have a good job etc, and dd and I now have a very comfortable and happy life and I'm reluctant to rock the boat.

Dd and I live overseas so I believe that any negative consequences wouldn't be too awful, but still feel I could just be opening a can of worms that is better left alone.

My basic concerns are that he would deny being her father (there is absolutely no question of this), that he would completely reject her, want nothing to do with her, or just turn out to be a complete idiot. Am also slightly worried that he could force us to return to the UK, but assume this is pretty unrealistic, particularly as he is not named on dd's birth certificate.

For many years he did have the opportunity to contact us if he wanted to because he knew my parents' address, but he chose not to.

Does anyone have any experience of this or similar? Any advice or wise words gratefully received

[Earlybird]

Tough one.

So he knows your dd exists? Do you know if he has other children, or if he is married/in a relationship now?

Do you have any friends/acquaintances in common who could tell you more about him?

No idea about the legal aspects, but wouldn't think he would have any rights if he has never met dd and never contributed financially - especially if he could have contacted you (via your parents), and chose not to.

[Mento]

Yes, he knows she exists. I don't know if he is married or has other children. His facebook account is new and doesn't give much away.

[Guadalupe]

I would be careful about involving her in any initial correspondance. Not sure how you would go about it but my brother wrote to his dad aged 12 or 13 and was devastated when he didn't reply.

I asked my mum not to let him and to try and contact him herself first but she kept saying he had the right to try. I understood what she meant but it was extremely heartbreaking for him and was horrible to see.

This may not be the case for you, but it's worth thinking about. Hope things work out.

[Mento]

I agree, Guadalupe, and any contact would initially be by me and I wouldn't tell dd I was going to do it.

[shootfromthehip]

I think you should approach him, explain and if he's an arse then you could dissaude her. I would give him the chance

[Ivykaty44]

Mento - dont control this, please get a third party to contact him

[Mento]

You make it sound simple, shoot, but yes, that seems like the obvious thing to do. Am worried about the possible consequences, although not sure what they might be and if I'm worrying over nothing.

What do you mean, Ivy? Do you have experience of this?

Ps it's late here so am off to bed soon in case I don't reply

[Mento]

Also, I'm certainly not in any rush and will take my time to decide what is the right thing to do.

[lilolilmanchester]

Mento, not sure this will help at all, but let me tell you about a good friend of mine. She is "grown up", with her own DCs. She has never met her father. Her Mum refuses to talk about it. This causes my friend major anguish, she has cried on my shoulder about it on many occasions. She feels like part of her life is missing & incomplete. I know her Mum, and feel she must have very good reasons for keepign them apart. But friend's response to that is "even if he was an arse, I want to know where I came from". Just want you to see that there can be long term implications, which might help you decide. That said, your DD is only 12. Perhaps test the water first without your DD knowing anything about it. Then decide how to proceed. It's a difficult situation, there's probably no right or wrong answer as there are so many "what if's" you can't answer. Tread slowly, and keep posting if it helps.

[Ivykaty44]

I dont mean that you are controlling or even trying to control - but getting a third party to make contact with him takes away the resposability from you. For it is a big responsability on your shoulders.

adoption records and such are delt with sensitivley and a thrid person often helps with the contact - it is a sensative issue and he may not want contact.

Your relationship with your dd is seperate and she needs in some ways to keep your relationship sepearte and this is why i strongley suggest giving her help - yes - but a third party to help her with the contact arrangements - then if it is a negative you can be there to pick up the pieces.

Does that make sense?

[Remotew]

I would be tempted to make contact but can understand your reservations. Please make sure that your DD is not aware of any initial contact just in case of a non/negative response. I think you owe it to your DD to at least try but handle it sensitively, he may even want to be found. Make sure that he knows you have done well and are not looking for anything from him, suggest sending a photo and would he be happy for her to see his etc.

A third party is a good suggestion but you have already found him easily on the internet and anyone can send a message via face book.

If not then a least you can steer her away from thoughts of him and explain how you tried when she is old enough to take it.

I hope it works out well for you both.

[Mento]

Thank you for your messages.

I have always thought, and told dd, that I would help her find her father when I feel she's old enough to handle any possible rejection or other negative outcomes. It's just a case of knowing if that time is now or not.

After thinking about it, Ivy, I agree that contact via a third party is a good idea and not something that I'd thought about. I think it would be good to take me out of the equation, in particular, if he does have a wife/long term partner, then there wouldn't be any question of it being me wanting to get in touch for myself.

I have drafted a message to send to him. I've kept it brief and neutral and it could be sent by me or from someone else, but thinking that from someone else would be better. I'd like to share it on here to gain opinions, but want to be able to remove it after maybe a day. Is that possible?

[Remotew]

You could include it in a post, then ask for the post to be deleted.

[Mento]

Thanks, abouteve.

If I report my own post and ask for it to be deleted, does anyone know long it should take for that to happen?

[JollyPirate]

They do it quite quickly mento - I asked for a thread I'd started to be deleted because I felt unsure about the way it was going and MN towers did so within 24 hours.

[Mento]

A quick bump before I'm off

[Remotew]

I think the wording is fine. You have put the ball firmly in his court. In fact I shed a little tear reading that. I do hope he responds favourably. It would be heartless if he didn't or at least explain his situtation.

[Mento]

Thank you, abouteve

[RockinSockBunnies]

I've only just seen this thread so the message above has been removed, but I am/was in a very similar situation to you.

I got pregnant at 18 with DD, the father wasn't interested and we had no contact at all after me telling him I was pregnant.

Like you, I've done fairly well. Gone to university with DD in tow, done an MSc and am currently doing law. DD is now almost 8 and sporadically asks about her father.

I came across photos of her father on facebook over the summer and showed DD, since all she's seen is a grainy image of him in the distance (the only photo I had). After seeing the images, she was curious to know more about him.

A few days later, when DD was out at drama, I called a number for his mobile that he'd had back in 2000, not expecting for a second that it would ring. It started ringing and he answered.

He was definitely surprised to hear from me. It was an odd conversation. I essentially told him that DD was curious to meet him. He didn't dismiss the idea out of hand and I said I'd call him in a few weeks once he'd had a think and go from there.

So, a few weeks on I got back in touch. He then tells me he wants a DNA test because the one that had been done earlier (through CSA) didn't make sense to him. Upon querying this, he told me he couldn't understand why the test was only 99.9999% sure and not 100% [dumbass emoticon] - clearly he hadn't understood the part about identical twins and DNA. Anyway, he said, he still wanted another test done as the CSA are corrupt.

I was absolutely livid but held my tongue and said ok, when he happens to be in this area I will meet with him and do the test (though how far I trust a DNA test purchased online is another matter). So, that converation was last July, nothing's been done since. He's made no effort to come here to get the test done and as I have no car and am in London, I'm not about to trek up to Wales to swab saliva.

Essentially, then, not a lot has happened. DD has not really mentioned him since and isn't very curious anymore. I'm somewhat reassured to realise that he's still a complete idiot and that DD really isn't missing out on anything by not having contact with him.

Anyway, sorry for long missive but hope this might be of help!

[Mento]

Thank you for your message, Rockin. I'm pretty much expecting a similar response. If he is a prat then I guess that at least I'll be able to say I tried and won't be thinking 'what if...' or that I could/should have done more.