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Is this unreasonable??????

(17 Posts)
Janna Sun 27-Mar-05 12:05:12

My ex has been having the kids for 2 weekends out of 3 which is great. He's quite a good dad although he lacks common sense sometimes. Next weekend he and his sister have decided to hold a car boot sale at a really big venue near to us and it's usually always really busy. They are going to drag the kids with them and take turns walking them round the field for up to 4 hours in god knows what weather conditions. He reckons they'll take two cars so they can go for a drive with the kids if they get bored while the other one minds the stall. I'm not happy about this at all as a i'm scared to death my daughter who's 2 will run of, get lost in the crowd and get taken. she's got a habit of running off anyway. b because they will be bored and they won't be having quality time with thier dad which is one of the reasons for him having them. My mum has offered to have them while they go to thier car boot sale in peace and then he can go and get them later and still have the rest of sunday afternoon with them.
Well ex has created merry hell about it. He's told me i'm being unfair, he wouldn't listen to my concerns about dd, said I was being selfish, tried emotional shite about it being the only time that he sees the kids and why should he (ex )have to miss out. In fct he started getting nasty until i put the phone down on him.
I'm like helloo!!! he was the one that walked away from us in the first place and how dare he try and make me feel guilty. In fact he's been a complete arse this weekend anyway. I'm missing the kids like crazy and i text him and he never replied soI asked him why he never replied and he said 'And? so what?? I don't have to tell you my every move do I?'
Well to stop rambling does anybody think i'm being selfish? I daren't tell him that my parents want to take ds away in thier caravan in 3 weekends time. it's something that they've always done even long before ex and split and ds is so looking forward to it. arrrhhhh why are men such tw*ts?

Cheers

Caligula Sun 27-Mar-05 12:31:25

No you're not being selfish, I did a bootsale last year and there is no way I could have looked after my DD wh was 2 at the time for 4 hours, even with 2 people (I did it with a friend). My Mum looked after them and they came for 20 minutes, and that was difficult enough.

You need 2 people to be at the stall, one can go off for 10 minutes max, but for 4 hours, it is simply not fair on the children to expect them to stay there. It's also a dangerous environment at the end, because cars start driving off, and if the kids are bored and messing about, accidents are likely...

This is a case of him putting what he wants to do before the welfare of his children. He's being selfish, not you. Just tell him that if he can get someone else to look after the children in a proper environment (not the boot sale itself) you'll be happy to let them go.

What does his sister say? Could she be a reasonable mediator?

Janna Sun 27-Mar-05 12:44:13

Thanks caligula .His sister is as useless as they come i'm afraid. She's only youngish and has no kids. She sides with ex all the time and basically has no common sense at all.Thats another good point about the safety aspect too with the cars driving off and so on. Also dd has only just been toilet trained and needs access to a loo at all times something she's not gonna get at a car boot sale.
He's coming to bring the kids back in an hour and I just know the atmosphere is going to be awful.
I just can't understand him.

megandsoph Sun 27-Mar-05 12:57:30

janna it's not just ur ex hon mines the same posted a while bk about taking the children down to his army barracks where there is alchol smoking violence and even drugs going on when I didn't want him to and recived the same responce as u with the emotional stuff and him telling me he is their dad and can take them where he wants. I solved this which proberbly won't be relevent to u but I got my solisitor to write him a letter saying he is never to take them there again.

You are certainly not selfish hun just a good mum.

If this happens again or he wants to take them somewhere else which u are not happy about and he isn't resonable them maybe u should also consider talking to someone (ie a solisitor)

Sorry to be extreme but so no the feeling.

tillykins Sun 27-Mar-05 13:01:02

I think he is being utterly stupid, why can't he just swap weekends with you? A car boot sale is not the place to have kids with you, you can't supervise properly and they will be bored

Janna Sun 27-Mar-05 13:22:12

I did ask him to swap weekends with him or at least wait until the next sunday that I can get off work so he can do it then but no he is insistant he has to do it this weekend.

megandsoph, i remember reading your thread back then and couldn't believe your ex was daft enough to take your kids into that environment! What was his reaction to the solicitors letter you sent him? I can see me going down that route to be honest. My ex already threatened to sell the house and take me to court to get it

tillykins Sun 27-Mar-05 13:23:29

sorry Janna, I wish I had something helpful to say. <<<hugs>>>

Caligula Sun 27-Mar-05 15:52:41

Janna don't be afraid of his empty threats to take you to court for your house. It's highly unlikely that any judge in the country would award him it. And he is simply not being reasonable on this. Any decent solicitor would tell him so.

Just keep talking about the welfare of the children, and how this environment is not about the welfare of the children. He'll get sick of hearing about it, and maybe some of it might penetrate.

megandsoph Sun 27-Mar-05 20:15:16

sry janna hun just come bk online he hasn't said anything yet as he hasn't been to his sol's he's going to them on the 4th of april but he has the children in scotland at the moment (this is the only place I will let him take them) as they are staying with their granny too. Am looking forward to his reaction though if he takes them again without my blessing he will get an injunction order or something like that.

Janna hon if you don't feel 100% happy with where ur children go on their visits and there is no way ur ex will listen to u then I really do recommened u see someone about legal advice as the main concern for yourself is the safety of your children.

megandsoph Sun 27-Mar-05 20:21:45

sry still abit sleepy after my nap didn't see the part about ur Ex threating u about the house am having that problem too janna.

Sry for being nosey but were you and Ex married?

not sure if you can do this if you weren't /aren't but what I did before we even seperated as my name wasn't on the morgage was get my name registered on the land registry for the property which over rided anyone buying the house so basically if I don't want to shift untill the girls are over 18 then I don't have too according to the law... but like I said not sure on how this would work as I don't know ur full situation but maybe you should also get some legal advise about that too hon

Luscious Sun 27-Mar-05 21:05:04

no its not unreasonable.

and as hes playing silly buggers then get urself legal advice quick sharp hun.

he needs a mind overhaul if he thinks he can take ur kids too a car boot sale and still a\ look after them and b\ spend quality time with them.

dont take any nonsence from him and dont back down u are well within ur rights too prevent him from having them in this sitch.

*

Janna Sun 27-Mar-05 23:29:03

things are going from bad to worse. My parents have finally flipped at him, got involved phoned his sister, had a go at her her over the phone, she told them that he's gone ut with his 'mates (yeah right) and can't be traced. My dad has then had a funny turn (he's got health probs) and my mum nearly ended up calling an ambulance for him. Things have gone way out of control now. May have to give up my job too asboth my ex and my parents have laid a guilt trip on me for working partime. Ex is still insistant on taking kids and my parents are interfering and working themselves up.

megandsoph, no we weren't married but we jointly own the house. i've been told that he would have to get a court order to force me to sell.
you and luscious are both right. I do have to get legal advice and quick too.

Caligula, i know i shouldn't listen to his empty threats ,its just so hard not too. My dad asked me before if i was scared of him. i said no but then i thought am I? truth is he makes me feel so insignificant an he always has, like i'm not good enoughh or intelligent enough, ambitious (he's got a good job and a career). He's very sporty which ties in his career to. I guess i'm just not worthy enough to grace his prescence

to cap it all I went and did something to myself that i swore i'd got over and would never do again but tonight I 'd just had enough. I've done this since I was 14. I'm ok just ended up sobbing to the samaritans for half an hour.

rickman Sun 27-Mar-05 23:38:42

Message withdrawn

megandsoph Sun 27-Mar-05 23:39:36

oh janna sweetheart {{{{hugs}}}}

Good for u for talking to someone ( samaritans)
I know u have proberbly heard it before but don't ever let a man make u feel insignificant. youve just explained the exact reason i'm getting divorced due to the Ex being a control freak and making me feel useless he made me give up my army career to look after DD1 then had the nerve to make me feel like I couldn't do nothing unless he was there... Grrrr

At the end of the day YOU are the one who are bringing up your children tucking them in at night kissing their poorlys better feeding them nurturing them to me being a MUM is the most amzing thing you can do and from the sounds of ur ex you are doing that job fantastically NOT HIM

so keep ur chin up and know u are better than him. sorry to sound aggresive but I truely know how u are feeling

And it will take an awful lot for any court to make u leave the family home hun with ur children.

I will be up for a while if you want to chat...

Janna Mon 28-Mar-05 09:26:59

hi i'm ok thanks . Sorry I didn't reply to ur messages but I went to bed not longafter. I'm not suicidal or anything but when things get to much god I hate admitting this I cut myself. I haven't done it for a nearly year but last night got too much.
Rickman.. I think it's awful that unmarried couples don't have the same rights even if they own the house. I'd been with my ex a lot longer than some of our married friends who later divorced and yet they had more rights, makes no sense. I know one thing no way is he taking my kids to a car boot sale on sunday.

Megandsoph thanks for your kind words, I feel quite teary after reading that . Your ex sounds a lot like mine. In fact it's only now i'm starting to realise just how cruel and cold emotionally my ex can be.

My parents have rung me this morning still reading the riot act. They are coming over at half ten to wait for my ex to pick the kids up as he's looking after them while I go to work, an then they are going to have a go at him. I don't want them to at all it will make matters worse but my parents are very very forceful when it comes to. I feel like I can't say no to people at the moment. Just feel very low.

megandsoph Mon 28-Mar-05 14:08:44

Morning flower

my parents were the same after me n ex split but things cooled down after a while but things were easier for me as my ex lives hundreds of miles away (in the army). when it comes to saying no with anything to do with ur children just think of mama bear protecting her cubs and get into that frame of mind only you know whats best for them and then when u have that feeling just tell the ex or anyone else trying to undermine u NO!! if you know what I mean.

once u have started saying NO a few times ur confidence will grow and you will eventually find urself saying it alot easier when you ain't happy about doing something.

Reference hurting urself hun are you getting help with it?? tell me to pee off ( I don't mind) just a wee bit concerned especially when things are obviously so difficult for you at this time.

Clare
xx

megandsoph Mon 28-Mar-05 14:28:25

oops afternoon

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