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What should i do?

(17 Posts)
Gem1355 Fri 25-Mar-05 20:54:53

I'm 38+5 weeks PG and father to be decided that he didn't want to know from the off but has been dithering in between, last month he decided i was being selfish, i didn't include him in any of the decisions so he doesn't want to take responsibility for his child.

The day i found out i was Pg he was the first person i told (apart from my Dr), This was very unexpected as was told had a very slim chance of conceiving naturally from previous problems. So i told him how i felt that i wanted to keep this baby as might not get this chance again, he said there and then abortion, but i couldn't bring myself to do it knowing what i'd been told previously. But i agreed to talk about all options we had, so made an appointment with Dr and local ella gordon unit and he just told me to leave him alone. But it's really been awkward as we work together and have the same circle of friends and he has been avoiding me, i wrote him a letter about how i felt and tonight got a text message stating he received it but spending the weekend with his family ( who do not know about the baby and as far as he is concerned never will) and will reply when he get's home if he feels like it. It make me angry, i never thought he would be like this and so does every one we know, i took the pill religiously everyday to regulate my periods, he never wore anything and assumed i was on the pill to prevent pg. but even tho i took my conracteptive everyday he still considers me to be selfish, he's been told by some of our friends he's out of order but he still considers it to be all my fault so will refuse to take part in his child life. it's really getting to me, what should i do?

Sorry to go on!

Newbarnsleygirl Fri 25-Mar-05 21:06:30

I think he needs to decide wether he wants to be in your childs life or not. He can't just flitter in and out of your lifes keeping you wondering can he?

It must be hard if you have the same friends and work in the same place. Do your work collegues know the baby is his?
Is their a particular reason as to why he's behaving this way?

Gem1355 Fri 25-Mar-05 21:11:15

Yeah all our work colleagues know it is his, but he said he felt i'd trapped him into falling PG and then went on a trip are you sure it's mine. but to that i replyed how could i trap you if i this is a one in a billion chance of conceiving naturally, also it's definetely his because i hadn't been with any one else but him in that couple of months period and if i wasn't sure i'd tell him i'm not that cruel. Which he admitted in the end that i wouldn't do that.

No one knows what he is acting like this, he said his first born should be special and with the person he would end up marrying and i've now gone and spoiled it.

It's just getting me down.

debs26 Fri 25-Mar-05 21:11:19

i have a friend who wanted a baby but had no partner. a friend of hers helped her get pregnant and although she sees him still he is not thought of as the babies dad. i can tell you from experience that it is easier not to have the father in the babies life than to have a father who does not want to be there. as long as your baby has you he /she will be fine. you need to keep yourself happy and healthy. leave him to it and he may come round but if not then you will still be ok just you and your lovely baby. good luck

Gem1355 Fri 25-Mar-05 21:16:24

I know i'm better off being a single parent, but it's hard knowing the same circle of friends and being ignored when ever we are out together, they are all excited about the imminent arrival but him and no one knows why he is acting in this way. It's frustrating.

Gem1355 Fri 25-Mar-05 21:17:58

It's made me a stronger person and more
determined to be a great mother. It's when we are out with friends it hurts more.

debs26 Fri 25-Mar-05 21:21:21

why not tell him he doesnt have to be anything to baby and see how he reacts? would it be better to have him around as a friend? if you back off and show him you can cope fine without him he may be more relaxed which may ease the tension a bit? you must be a very strong person to be dealing with this so well

Newbarnsleygirl Fri 25-Mar-05 21:23:46

He might change when baby is born.

It'll be hard on him when you pop in to work to show off your new arrival and he's just sat there knowing everyone knows it's his!

Caligula Fri 25-Mar-05 21:33:08

If I were you I'd get on with worrying about myself and my baby and forget about this selfish shit.

If he comes round, fine, he comes round, if he doesn't, it sounds like no great loss.

If he didn't want to have children, he shouldn't have had sex or he should have had the snip. Contraception still fails. You didn't get pregnant on your own. This immature man really shouldn't be invading your brainspace - you'll have a real child who needs you to think about soon, and you simply won't have the time or emotional energy to deal with this other grown up child. It's your job to be a mother to your own child, not to this one. Move on, good luck with what remains of your pregnancy and many congratulations on being about to be a mother. I hope it all goes well for you.

weesaidie Fri 25-Mar-05 22:52:18

Hello Gem1355

Your story very much reminds me off my own!

I got pregnant (while on the pill!) with my boyfriend of two years and I didn't want to have an abortion. It was quite late when we found out and I wouldn't have been able to have one until 19 weeks which for me was way way too late. To be honest I didn't really want it anyway but I just couldn't that late.

My boyfriend's parents were very anti and threatened to disown him if I had the baby. He has always maintained that wasn't why he broke up with me (he wasn't ready to be a dad) but I am sure it must have had some effect! Still, I don't blame them, it was his responsibilty and his decision.

Basically I didn't see him for months after that and he just pretended like it hadn't happened (we have same friends etc too). It was pretty difficult but he said he would be in touch when he knew what he wanted and I left him to it, after all he left me when I most needed him.. not worth the worry!

A few weeks before I gave birth he finally got in touch, apologised for being a t**t and said he wanted to be involved.

It was tough at first but now he is a great dad and we are friends, mostly! I still have some anger towards him because of the past but mainly it's cool.

My dd is at her dads tonight and was there last night... he is pretty good I have to admit..

I don't know if that helps you but all I am saying is that people can surprise you and if they don't then they are NOT worth your time! I really thought my Exp would immigrate (as he threatened, aswell as suicide btw!) before he tried to be a dad. But now he is one, and a fairly good one at that!

Stay positive, it is a fantastic thing being a mamma, I am sure you will love it and be great at it!

weesaidie Fri 25-Mar-05 22:54:37

It is soooo frustrating though I know!!

I didn't really see me Ex after we broke up (was in hiding!) but when I spoke to mutual friends none of us could understand his behaviour, he was just burying his head in the sand!

Gem1355 Sat 26-Mar-05 12:01:32

Weesadie, Sounds just like what i'm going through.
He refuses to tell his family, and found out the beggining of the year his sister is PG and due in july, so he is surrounded by it 24/7. I'm looking forward to taking my baby into work and showing him/her off. I've told him i don't want anything out of him, but to just accept what has happened but he is still being a prat!

Caligula we have all told him that if he was afraid of Pregnancy then he shouldn't of had sex, and definitely without using a condom. But he still considers me to be the selfish one. The day i left work to go on maternity leave, i got loads of gifts, & cards and he Just sat there on his own in the corner and refused to join in with the activitys. It's just soooo frustrating, you wouldn't think he was 25 this year!

Janna Sat 26-Mar-05 13:52:44

It dosen't matter how old they are, they can be 18 or 80 and still be immature prats. My ex is 28 and still acts like he is 16. My 5 yr old ds acts more grown up than his father sometimes lol

Perhaps your exp will come round when your baby is born. Sounds like to me he is burying his head in the sand and at the moment cannot or dosen't want to accept the situation. You'll be a great mum with or without him. As for him saying that his first born should be special and with the one he ends up marrying well what a idiotic thing to say. A child is a child and is special no matter what whether it's his first or last, married or not. Bloody bloody men

weesaidie Sun 27-Mar-05 16:10:35

I think it will hopefully be different when the baby comes (so excited for you!), he just can't pretend anymore. I think that is what happened with my ExP anyway. I hope it does for you too, why can't they just be bloody man about it I don' know!

It is a shame dd doesn't see his parents though but that was their decision. Maybe one day they will come round but they may lose their son if they don't. He is very much a father now and how is he going to feel if his brothers have kids who his parents see and they ignore his daughter?? S**t.

prettyfly1 Sun 27-Mar-05 16:45:54

Hi mate. Liek you i am heavily pg now and your story is very similiar to mine. He is still refusing to take any responsibility for his child and told me in the early days it would be better if i had an abrt for myself - nothing to do with protecting his backside of course. I have moments - especially when i see my happy preggers coupled up friends where i am lonely and its hard. I wish desperately that life could have been different fr my son - his father like your ex made his own choices and if he didnt wear a condom thn its his own damn fault, but your baby is innocent. Ultimately he or she is the one who is paying. The only thing i can advise you to do is the same as me. Feel incredibly blessed that you are able to enjoy the miracle of a child after being told that you wouldnt. Work your butt off to provide evrything you can for him and hold your head up with as much dignity as you can knowing you and you alone are doing the best for your beautiful little one. Rise above it and feel sorry for your emotionally stunted and immature ex. He alone will miss out on his first borns big moments and he alone is responsible for that. Just enjoy everything you have been given and love your little one. Its all you need to do.

Best of luck with the birth. xxxxxxx

Gem1355 Sun 27-Mar-05 20:44:48

Thanx, I feel stronger about this knowing i'm doing it on my own, Happy in a way i'm not the only one going through the same. In a way i have wished i've had the baby so i can ring him up and announce the news, as he is with his family for the weekend and i know when he's with them who evers closer to the phone picks it up so i can deliver the good news but i'm better than him so i wouldn't be able to do that. He's the one denying them of a baby not me!

kezzax Thu 31-Mar-05 17:47:03

your situation sounds a lot like mine- ex has never seen my baby, thinks that its all my fault and my responsibility and that i am "out of order" for getting CSA on him- so like me you have to get onto CSA as you will need his money but let him go out of your life- or the venom will eat away at you. i thought that things would change when baby was born and i made him write a letter to baby explaining why he's not interested as thought this was make him realise what he was doing but to no avail- some men are permanantly boys and will never change- i dont understand their actions but hopefully karma is real and they get whats coming to them

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