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Help.... newly single Mum

(26 Posts)
sammi25 Fri 25-Mar-05 17:31:59

I have 2 ds aged 9mths and 7yrs. Daddy walked out on all of us and we haven't seen or heard anything from him since. The baby has a lot of problems with sleeping and reflux and now this is all for me to deal with on own. My 7yr old idolised his Dad but how can I explain to him why he hasn't phoned. It is a very complicated situation things haven't been right for a long time. We split up 18 mths ago but when loosing my Dad he came back to me (I guess he felt guilty) which was when I got pregnant. Things started going down hill from then on. Any help/advice/support would be appreciated.

Loochyloo Fri 25-Mar-05 18:03:42

Hi sammi25
as a single mum too I can only send loads and loads of good wishes/ good vibes/ support over the net. Do you have any friends/ family close by who can lend a hand? I got really could at swallowing any pride I had and asking for help and people were fantastic at responding once they knew I was drowning not waving!
Am sending you abig hug xx

helsi Fri 25-Mar-05 19:08:50

Hi sammi25 and welcome to MN. You will find loads of advice here there are some really great people on here. Sorry I can't help with your situation as I don't have similar experience but I just wanted to say hi to a "newy".

Janna Fri 25-Mar-05 19:37:03

Hi sammi

Welcome to mumsnet. you'll get loads of support and advice here. I've found it invaluable.
I'm a single mum too and i've got a ds aged 5 and dd who's 2. My exp and I finally called it a day not so long a ago after he had an fling with a 16 year old girl and it has been one long year of heartache for me.
The only thing I can say really is that it does get better and you do start to see a light at the end of the tunnel although it may take a while. Don't be afraid to accept help from friends or family if you can . The only other thing that helped me was relaxing and doing things for myself, reading, dvd, watching telly, a walk, even a bath, listening to audiotapes in bed anything to stop things going round and round in my head. Even if you can only find a little bit of time in your day then thats better than nothing. Anyway (((hugs)) to you and take care.

sammi25 Fri 25-Mar-05 21:00:37

It's nice to know that I am not alone. In my world everyone one has some one and is married or soon to be so when they say to pick yourself up and get on with it they don't really know what they are talking about. I'm not ashamed to admit I am finding things really hard at the moment and I have been dreading this long easter weekend as everyone is having 'family time' I don't really have a lot of support as I am a bit short of friends. I just need to feel like I am not going insane.

weesaidie Fri 25-Mar-05 23:16:20

Hey Sammi25

I have been a single parent from the start and it is tough... I can't believe your ex hasn't even been in touch to see the kids, that is terrible!

Mostly I am happy on my own but some nights (like tonight!) I do get a bit lonely... my dd is at her dads tonight and I could have gone out but nobody is free so have ended up staying in which I can do any old night! Typical.

Anyway I love being a mamma and being on your own does have many pluses (being able to do/watch/wear what u want,etc!) and you get the chance to find someone new who will (hopefully) be far lovelier and more reliable!

You will be fine sweetie. I promise.

Loochyloo Sat 26-Mar-05 14:21:49

yeh these "family holidays" can be really hard. At Xmas (ds was 4 months) I had to ask a (childless) couple I knew if i could spend xmas day with them as have I no parents and no siblings. Actually it turned out really nice, tho it was sad when the couple were swopping gifts and getting all lovey dovey.

Are there any mums at your son's school you could talk to? Maybe ask about activites you could join or something to get to meet more people? I have taken to hanging out at local playgound and chatting to mums of kids of about same age.

When I split up with husband my GP organised some free couselling sessions. Only 3 sessions but I remember them as being really useful just to get things off my chest to someone who wasn't judgemental. Might be worth checking out if you can bear it!

LOL

minxmum Sat 26-Mar-05 17:05:41

Hi Sammi25,

Just wanted to offer my support. I've been a single mum from the start (dd 8mnths) and it is hard at times. DD had very bad reflux at about 3 months and the four weeks before it was diagnosed were incredibly difficult to deal with. Now she has infant gaviscon and is loads happier. Are you able to join playgroups etc. so you can meet new people? A little bit of company can make all the difference. Also, I find it helps to remember that despite the world appearing to be populated by happy, stable, two parent families, appearances can be deceptive so don't let it get you down.

I strongly believe that the most important thing for children is having a haven in which they feel protected and loved. And it only takes one person to create that haven. I realise it will be difficult for you to explain the situation with their father to your sons but as long as they know you're their rock, it will make it easier for them to take. And definitely make time to look after yourself. Good luck.

Weesaidie - had a similar experience last night. Mum up so could babysit but no-one around to have a night out with. Grrrr.

sammi25 Sat 26-Mar-05 18:16:23

I still haven't heard anything from him and now don't think that I am very likely to (for the kids sake). I need to find myself some good friends(although it isn't all that easy). I cannot bear all this time on my own.The days are just so long. I am having such a bad time at the moment with the baby and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Loochyloo Sat 26-Mar-05 19:52:23

oh sweetie it sounds like you are having such a bad time. It seems really trite to say that the bad times won't go on forever, the baby will get bigger and better but it's true. At least you know that cos of your 7 yr old.

Have you checked out any other mumsnetters in your area? There are postings up about meeting up. It is really hard to make friends but try and be positive about it. You just need 1 person to click with ( I know easier said than done) and things can seem so much better.

Totally agree with minxmum about appearances of supposedly happy couples can be deceptive and the most important things for kids is to have a haven. To be honest if this is how your ex reacts to his sons then sound like you're better off without (hope that's not being too judgemental)
How is the 7 yr old coping with his dad's disappearance?

Libb Sat 26-Mar-05 20:01:20

Loochyloo, I am also a newly single parent. I still "live" with my ex as it only happened last week. I am trying to sort stuff out so I can move on asap.

I am in Cambs if you ever need a friend. xx

Libb Sat 26-Mar-05 20:02:30

Oops, sorry - crossed wires and a brain that has been thinking too hard recently. I meant Sammi25.

Really really sorry.

weesaidie Sun 27-Mar-05 16:06:59

Minxmum - Happened again! My friend said she would babysit on Saturday night and guess what, checked my bank, no money!

If it ain't one thing it is another!

However, my mum said she would look after dd for a weekend soon, so am planning to take a party trip to London! Will miss my wee girl though.

Loochyloo Sun 27-Mar-05 19:14:40

Hi sammi25
how's it going today? Hope you bought yourself a great big egg as a treat, I did! Yum yum. Ds enjoyed wrapping though...

sammi25 Mon 28-Mar-05 13:42:34

Still feeling down and useless. Can't seem to get myself out of this. This weekend has been the longest one ever and I am sick of the sight of myself. Peter hasn't been sleeping and crying alot, so things have been pretty tough. I know my boys need me but I need someone too. It got to the point yest when I thought I haven't got the strength to do this anymore, It is all too much. But I am desperataly trying to keep my chin up. I don't think all the time on my own is doing me any favours. You see I don't have many friends so kinnda going it alone.

Loochyloo Mon 28-Mar-05 20:05:03

Sammi25 you are def NOT useless. You are bringing up 2 kids on your on that deserves a bleeding medal (i know I have 1 wee one to bring up alone, I can't imagine what it would be like with 2).
Remember the baby will get better and both kids love you to bits so it's worth it all for that.
Check out others mumsnetters in your area (unf I live abroad) and maybe go and see your GP, if he/she is at all friendly if only to have a chat. As I said before mine was great. Ask about the baby's reflux and talk about yourself too, they may be able to help.
Hope I don't sound really bossy. You sound really sad poppet.
LOL xxx

kezzax Wed 30-Mar-05 12:43:37

iv been a single mum since the start and not sure if thats easier or harder than you have it, you cant miss what you have never had eh??? i agree with janna ask for all the help you can- once your over that rat of an ex it'll get so much easier, big hugs coming out to you,

juniorandjackie Sun 24-Apr-05 13:22:33

hi Sammi25, i have just been reading up on whats happened. i am so sorry to hear what you are going through, i truly understand how you feel i am going through a similar situation to you at the moment, my ex has walked out on me 6 and half months pregnant for his ex wife. he doesnt care about the baby he hasnt been in touch, he just packed his bags and left me. i feel so down and lonely havent a clue how i am going to get through this. Have you heard from your partner yet? Where abouts in the country are your from?

sammi25 Mon 25-Apr-05 10:30:26

Im in Surrey (south East) where abouts are you? I really feel for you it must be so tough. I know how hard it is bringing up a baby on your own. Is this your first? It is so horrible isnt it. Im just taking things a day at a time at the moment. I am hear to offer you any support you need hun. We single mummies have to stick together. Do you have much support from your family or anything?

juniorandjackie Mon 25-Apr-05 17:08:52

Hi Sammi25, im in Cheshunt, Hertfordshire. I recently moved in with my parents so im not alone. Even though i feel so alone at the moment, never felt so down and alone in my life. Finding it almost imposible to get out of bed in the morning, have nothing to get up for.Cant see how im going to get through this, i really cant. Have you heard from your partner yet?

sammi25 Mon 25-Apr-05 19:36:13

I know how you feel. I am struggling and cant see the point of everything at the moment. I am so lonely and isolated here and I can go days without speaking to another adult. Yes he finally phoned.... to talk about the kids. Its a miracle he even remembered about them.

tangomum Wed 27-Apr-05 20:52:29

Hi Sammi. Sorry to hear about your situation. I just thought that the feelings that you are describing sound like how I felt when I had postnatal depression. In fact you are quite entitled to feel depressed anyway. I was given anti depressents that really made me feel so much better and able to cope. Consider going to your doctor or health visitor and asking if you might be depressed. I am sure they will be sympathetic. Hard to do but worth it! Hoping this might help. You are being a great mum under the cicumstances. You should feel proud of yourself!

sammi25 Thu 28-Apr-05 10:21:43

I am on AD's for PND. I am on double the dose that I started on and still I am feeling so very low. I am seeing the doctor regulary but doesnt seem to be helping much. Just cant see the woods for the trees at the moment.

Louise1980 Thu 28-Apr-05 20:33:53

Hi Sammi, I havnt read your whole thread yet but I just had to send you some positives to look at. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me. You just have to walk so far along till you find the switch. It took me 18 long tearfull months to find mine but i did. Buld needs changind sometimes!

How long have you been on AD's and which ones are they? It took me about 6months before I really felt a difference.

The biggest tip I can give you is make time for yourself. You say you have sleeping problems, is that you of kids?

I used to read loads and loads BC so I set myself a time just once a week where I had a bath and read. Kids were either in bed or an Grandmas. Stuff the housework, ironing, telly dishes etc they will be there when you are relaxed. If its you whos having trouble sleeping try that before you go to bed.

This might seem like a long winded reply but I didnt have mumsnet when I was sufferning, I want to help people who didnt have the support I had.

sammi25 Fri 29-Apr-05 10:13:14

I have been on the ad's for about 4months now. I am on Citalopram. My sleeping troubles have been because I cannot sleep even if the kids were down. I am finding things so hard coping with baby in my own, I can never put him down and I have no support or anyone to hand him over to at the end of the day. Some days there seems to be no end.

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