Not a lone parent anymore but after 7 yrs being one i wonder if any of you have any ideas to help us through this

[TLESinChristmasStockings]

right i will try and keep this as short as poss.

ds1's sperm donor and I split when ds1 was 22m old. he saw him regularly for 6m then went off and repeated this every year until 2006 when on ds1's 7th b;day he told him he no longer wanted to see ds1. I have to say I did then put my foot down the next time sperm donor made contact and told him no way was he seeing ds1.
Well ds1 is now 10, i have ds215m with dp who i have been with since 2006, who loves ds1, calls him his son, takes him out so they have plenty of 1-1 time, and is an all round brilliant dad to both boys.

DS1 is an angel for him when they are out together but every day and i mean everyday DS1 screams at me, ignores me is totally rude and disrespectful and then 5 minutes later wants to be my best friend when he has screamed my home down...
When we are all together he also ignores dp if he asks him to do something. Just like he does with me.

I have to admit i do shout at him and i have stopped myself earlier this evening slapping his leg for the way he spoke to me and also the way he was bullying ds2, unfortunatly he carried on and I did slap his hand. I don't feel bad about it as he had slapped ds2 who is only a baby, YES I know i will be slated for what I said.

But please I am at the end of my tether as this behaviour has gone on now for almost 6 yrs. I have taken him to a child psych who said he knows what he is doing he will stop when he is ready.

He screams so loud that when we were in our old flat and ds2 was a tiny baby we ended up with 4 police officers in our flat as someone thought there was a domestic going on. When they came in and saw me crying, ds2 sleeping, dp sitting calmly and ds1 was in his bedroom. I explained what had happened and off one officer went to talk to ds1 alone. I did worry because ds1 had already told me if i took him anywhere about his behaviour he would say i beat him, which i don't. Anyway officer came back into living room and said, "you have an extremely intelligent little boy in there and he knows exactly what he is doing with his behaviour"

And off they went, he then tells us (ds1 this is)
"Yes I know what i am doing, I can stop if i want but i don't want to"

A few weeks ago he really upset dp and myself by telling us he is only misbehaving so dp leaves and ds2 has no dad like him. DP has done more with him in 3 yrs than his sperm donor has done in 10 1/2 yrs.

Anyone got any advice? I am so worn out by it all

Have also posted this on the behaviour development board as I really need some advice

[VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly]

Sorry i have no advice regarding his behaviour, but slapping him is not going to help so you need to stop doing that (and i think you know that already)

Sit him down and have a long talk about how he feels, maybe he is supressing some anger towards his father

[TLESinChristmasStockings]

Vinegar It was 1 slap not a repeated thing.
I have spent far too many nights trying to talk to him, his answers are always the same, don't care, dunno, whatever.

[RebeccaX]

No wonder your poor boy thinks he's not got a dad if you keep referring to his father as "sperm donor"

[LittleJingleBellas]

Family therapy.

Ask for a referral.

Too many issues going on here to be dealt with quickly and easily.

And yes, agree that you need to stop referring to his biological father as his sperm donor. Deeply disrespectful of him (your DS) however much of a tosser his father is.

[TLESinChristmasStockings]

By RebeccaX on Thu 18-Dec-08 22:27:00
No wonder your poor boy thinks he's not got a dad if you keep referring to his father as "sperm donor"

The tosser CHOSE not to be in ds1's life when he told him first on his 7th b'day to get on with life he needed to not see him. And then after I had ds2.

I don't say a bad word about him to ds1...only thing i ever said is if you want to see him i will do all i can to help you...

And all he did was donate his sperm after that there was no interest....

[FrostytheSurfmum]

I haven't really got any advice, but just wanted to sympathise. I know my dsd finds it difficult that her half-sister (my dd) has both her mum and dad living together and she has her parents living apart. She hates the way that, for example, she will have to be with one or the other on Christmas Day, whichever family she is with, she is missing the other one. Then she looks as dd, and as much as she adores her, she is envious that she has all her family in one place.

I'm quite sure he's hurting because his Dad didn't really want to know. But you're the easiest person to blame because maybe in his eyes you "stopped" him.

You mentioned on the other thread about how you used to spoil him when his Dad didn't turn up. Do you think that your attention towards him has changed since your dp and his brother came along? I know it will have to an extent, obviously, but do you think he's feeling a bit left out maybe? Do you get much one to one time with him?

[TLESinChristmasStockings]

Frosty, tbh we do things as a family now. more so because dp is not working atm (redundant). DS2 is very clingy to me. DS1 does get a bit jealous over this but it can't be helped and he understands.

I suggested this evening that he and I played with his lego he didn't want to and then went into his room and played alone lol typical kid!

[FrostytheSurfmum]

Something I do when I think dsd needs a bit of attention (I am very conscious, for example, that if she's with us for a week lots of the things we do are centred around dd who is 5 - and she's 13) is take her to the cinema to see something dd is too young for. Or now that she has at last become interested in clothes, we go shopping on our own.

[FrostytheSurfmum]

Oh and at those times we end up having some really good chats, especially when we are driving. I think it's the not being face to face thing as she combing out her nits in the shower used to be a good time too! I can often get out of her how she really feels about something.

And sometimes I think that even if you can't do anything for them (eg I can't actually change the fact that her mum and dad are no longer together), it helps just to acknowledge to them that you realise how difficult it must be for them.

[ELOB]

maybe if you can ask him to tell you how he feels. tell him that whatever he feels, anger, sadness, hurt etc is all normal and perfectly understandable. tell him you care about how he feels and that if he really doesn't want to talk about it would he mind talking to you about it later on that day, perhaps even in bed wheb you can sit close and private and personal in a relaxed familiar surrounding. even if he says unkind things to you that are hurtful or not true you need to let him say it all uninterrupted. when he has finished tell him you understand and that realise it cant be easy for him but that you are willing to listen to what he has to say at any time and that he should feel he can do that. try to explain why you and his father split up in a way that does not point the finger or blame his father. best to keep it minimal. allow him to have photos of his dad in his room if he wants. do not tell him that his father does not want to see him. tell him that you are happy for him to see and spend time with his dad and that you will contact his dad for him. perhaps ive him his dads number if you know it so he can phone himself. you must not praise his dad or say kind things about him if his dad is not like this, which sounds the case. he must be allowed to see for himself what his dad is like and make his own decision. tell him you have contacted his dad and told him that he wants to see/speak to him and that if he doesn't phone then perhaps he can phone his dad direct. remind him also that your new partner loves him and thinks of him as his own son and that will never change even if he does form a close relationship with his dad. can't think of any more advice. you may have done all of the above. good luck.