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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Is it possible to make a go of things with someone who you dont find physically attractive?

111 replies

CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 18:58

Firstly, I've namechanged as some of my RL friends know my nickname.

I've been chatting to a guy for a few months now via a dating site (plenty of fish). We exchanged mobile numbers about 3 weeks ago and have been texting/ringing ever since.

We've met up a couple of times now, he took me out for a meal and we've also had a couple of coffees together at different places.

The second time we met up, he came to pick me up and take me for a meal. He brought with him the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen in my life . He's a lovely guy, says and does all the right things, doesn't want to rush things, keeps telling me that he wont ever push me and that we'll do things when I'm ready etc.

But the problem is, I dont find him physically attractive. When we're emailing/texting/talking on the fone, I really fancy him, he makes me smile and makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the whole world. He actually may be the 'perfect man' for me in that respect!

I'd love to make this work as we really do get on great etc. but I'm not sure if it can work when I'm not attracted to him physically. Can this come with time? Can I 'learn' to be attracted to him? Or is this potential relationship dead before its even started?

I really am at a loss as to what to do with this, please tell me I can work on how I feel when I'm actually with him

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TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 07/12/2008 19:02

I don't know. People can grow on you. If you really love the person and the sex is still good, then yes. But if you're just trying to make it work because you want a relationship then I think no.

I have grown to fancy some unattractive people. Usually after knowing them a while though and not thinking of them in romantic terms to start with.

MrsMattie · 07/12/2008 19:04

Maybe he'll grow on you, maybe he won't. My DH grew on me.

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 07/12/2008 19:04

ps, if you really wait a good while before sleeping with him, then if you WANT to sleep with him, the sex will tell you.

Is that too basic an answer!?

littleboyblue · 07/12/2008 19:05

Physical attraction wears off at some point anyway, but agree you shouldn't try to make it work just because you want a relationship. There has to be something there, but it doesn't have to be a physical attraction.

EmmalinaC · 07/12/2008 19:07

I think it depends what you mean by 'don't find him physically attractive'. If you actually find him repellent than it probably won't work. But if you simply mean you didn't want to rip his clothes off on first meeting then maybe you should take your time and see how you feel when you get to know him better. And in the meantime enjoy his company and his attention - he sounds like a good man!

CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 19:09

I dont want to make it work because I want a relationship, I want to make it work because I really like him as a person and when we're not together, its great. If that even makes sense...

I intend on waiting a while before sleeping with him anyway (as I would with anybody tbh!).

There is definitely something there when we're chatting, I fancy him like mad when we're on the phone or when we're texting (which is usually all day ).

I just wish that same feeling was there when we were actually together IYGWIM.

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CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 19:14

I dont find him repellent, and we've kissed and hugged. It's just, like you say, I dont want to rip his clothes off when I see him.

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TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 07/12/2008 19:15

If you miss him when he's not around and if you look forward to seeing him those are really good signs I'd say. If something funny happens, do you text him just to let him know?

Is he just not very handsome or is he actually unattractive??

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 07/12/2008 19:15

x post!

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 07/12/2008 19:18

My x, who verbally and physically abused me and was controlling and mean and selfish and uncompromising... well, he looked like robert downey jnr. I always say to myself if I gget the chance again I'll put so little importance on looks. But then, i'm bound to say that after what i've been through. everybody's different experiences colour their outlook.

CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 19:19

I do miss him when he's not around, yes.

We text each other all day, literally every 5 mins or so! Good job I have free unlimited texts

I do text him when something funny happens, yes. And he does the same with me. We laugh together and have the same sense of humour which I think is also a good sign.

I wouldn't say he's unattractive but no, he's not very handsome. I'm just hoping that he will grow on me and I'll learn to love him regardless to how he looks.

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CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 19:22

TNMGN, your post actually could've been posted by me!

I too was verbally and physically abused by my XP who was very good looking.

Infact, all of my previous bf's have treat like me shit, and not been bothered about me at all really. Yet, they've all been really good looking.

And this time, I think I've found a really really good guy but have this problem

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TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 07/12/2008 19:24

If he said to YOU, I've met a girl who really fancies me and I like that, but I'm still so fond of you and you're my great friend so please can we carry on being great friends... how would you feel?

GUT reaction. Quickly answer.

Relieved? that a tricky situation has been swerved, or jealous?

CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 19:26

I'd definitely be jealous!

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TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag · 07/12/2008 19:28

Wow that's interesting 'canthiswork'. Because here i am thinking that if I met somebody new, i'd have the good sense to value their personality over their appearance. it's hard I guess, when it comes down to it to roll around in the hay with somebody who isn't good looking. but then, maybe that's because i've never been in a relationship where the sex was first and foremost about love and affection. Break the pattern. Please! tell me it can be done. Try this as a new thing. Sex and a relationship with somebody who 'gets' you and values you. Not a relationship and sex with somebody you fancy.

Be my trailblazer?!

CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 19:32

Well tbh TNMGN, I also thought like you! I did know what he looked like when I first started chatting to him online but thought, like you, that I had to try and get over the appearance thing.

Which I did, and we got on fine - until we met!

I am going to carry on and see how things go, and hope upon hope that he'll grow on me and I can make something with this guy who is perfect in every other way!

I hereby take on the mission to be your trailblazer

Wish me luck though!

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CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 19:33

I was hoping to hear more success stories on here from MN'ers who were in the same position as me when they met their DP/DH's

Come on MN'ers, give me hope...!

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StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 07/12/2008 19:35

Do you think the fact you don't want to rip is clothes off is because you don't find him physically attractive or because there is no spark?

Just wondering as I've been out with a couple of very good looking guys who were very nice, etc but there was no spark. Never went to bed with either of them and things fizzled out.

Other side of the coin - I've had a boyfriend who was not physically attractive at all. To be honest he was butt ugly. But he made me laugh and there was somethign about him that made him irresistable to me and I couldn't wait to get him into bed.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 07/12/2008 19:37

I suppose with the ugly boyfriend it did take a few weeks for me to get to know him and fall for him. First time I met him I just thought "X has one hell of an ugly brother".

christmaseve · 07/12/2008 19:42

I've met people that I got on really well with on-line but there was not spark when we met in person. To me that's the end of it.

There must be something there or you wouldn't want to persue the relationship. How was the kiss? was it like kissing a wet fish or did you enjoy it. If you enjoyed the kisses then chances are you will have good sex and then you've got what you wanted.

Beauty is only skin deep.

CatchaChristmasStar · 07/12/2008 19:47

In all honesty, you never get the full package do you? Something has to give.

The guy you're describing sounds like a lovely man. Definitely give it some more time. The nice ones don't come along very often.

My exp who's dd's dad, wasn't great looking. He wasn't bad, but he wasn't what I'd describe as 'good looking.' He was a nice guy and worshiped the ground I waked on though. I would much rather that than some great looking guy who didn't treat me nicely.

I think a person can absolutely grow on you though, you can grow to find someone attractive, even if you didn't before. Tbh, everything you've described about this man would attract me to him, despite looks I think. It's the inner qualities that count at the end of the day.

EmmalinaC · 07/12/2008 19:57

Canthiswork When I first met my DH I didn't fancy him at all. But when I met him again 4 years later I knew he was 'the one'.

My parents worked together for 10 years without a sniff of romance. In fact my mum described him as 'an annoying little Irishman'. Eventually his persistance paid off and they were engaged within two weeks. They celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary next year.

Give him a chance!

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CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 20:00

Its really hard to describe but there's definitely a spark there when we're not together face to face. Whenever my phone lights up with a text, I know it's from him and I automatically smile before I've even read it - much to my workmates' amusement

It's just like it's a different person when I see him. As if it's not the same person that I'm so attracted to at every other time.

CaCS, I agree that something has to give and he really is a lovely man. I just wish I could flick a switch and make myself more attracted to him in person!

When we kiss it feels good, and when he holds me I have a 'safe' kind of feeling which is hard to describe.

I also realise that these are good signs!

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beforesunrise · 07/12/2008 20:08

canthiswork, interesting that you say your exes were always v good looking. looks like you are breaking a pattern, which perhaps is a good sign?

and ime, it is definitely possible that he will grow on you. he may turn out to be a really great lover, for example, in which case you will want to get him in bed again and again and again...

as others have said- give it time, enjoy the flirting/getting to know phase, which as we all know is the best and most exciting anyway! don't stress now about what this can become, just try to live in the moment!

CanThisWork · 07/12/2008 20:27

Thanks beforesunrise, I am going to give it time.

Hopefully I'll look back on this in years to come and think about how stupid I was being!

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