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Please help . . . my relationship is over.

(68 Posts)
Libb Thu 17-Mar-05 08:32:24

I have struggled with my relationship with my partner for a while now but I think it has finally died a death. He doesn't know if he loves me anymore but he adores our 10 month old son. However I don't think I can carry on being messed around just because he doesn't know what he wants.

However, I just don't where to start. Obviously I will be going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau but does anyone know how long it takes to apply for housing etc.? Please can those of you that have been through this share your experiences as I feel all over the place . . .

Sorry, I realise that I have been clumsy with my words but I need all the advice I can get.

Many thanks,


romantick Thu 17-Mar-05 08:45:00

so whose house do you live in.speak to council straight away they may put you in new houseing is a help.i gather you are not need to start afresh if he has doubts about loving you then in the longterm he is not truely in love with you.i am sorry that true love has not found you and your partner but true is is out there and your destiny will be forfilled at some point when you least expect it.and you will have that happy ever after

Libb Thu 17-Mar-05 08:53:31

Thanks Romantick, I think I will be giving love a miss for a little while but I like the thought of getting it right one day!

He owns the house but I know he won't let me end up on the street so I have a little time. I have completed the housing forms but I just very wary of the money situation, he can't afford to pay maintenance but I will sort that out with him in time. I am not sure of what kind of things I will get help with and there is lots of silly little things to address.

Thanks again. xxx

romantick Thu 17-Mar-05 09:01:44

well there are many things you can get.
do you work aswell
.go to the benefits agency.
dont forget if your child tax credits from your partner etc.they just got an increase in the budget.
council will resettle you as you have a child what you will have to watch is to make sure they can put you in a property and not a b and b to start with.otherwise if you have some money savings rent a property and then get council to pay housing benefit for you.
you will be surprised at what you can find out.also if council dont pay full benefit ask for a discretionary top up.april soon so they normally have a new amount of funding for this purpose.
good luck and keep smiling.a n ew life awaits .a better life awaits

Kelly1978 Thu 17-Mar-05 09:05:33

Hi Libb,

I'm sorry to ehar about your break up, I've been there, and know what a difficult situation it can be.

If you don't work, you will be able to claim income support and will likely get all your rent and council tax paid. If you do work you can claim tax credits for living and childcare, and will probably still get some help with rent and maybe council tax.

Housing can be a long wait, even if you are declared homeless - I waited 6 months in a refuge. If you can afford to go private, you would still get your rent help. I was getting £800pcm housing benefit, as I live in London, and they allow for a reasonable rent for where you live.

If you are going to claim Income support you will have no option but to give your partner's details to the CSA, and he will have to contribute, depending on his earnings - sorry.

Hope this helps, if there is anything else, I might be able to help.

Caribbeanqueen Thu 17-Mar-05 09:39:22

Hi Libb, so sorry to hear about your realtionship break up. I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I think you are quite local to me, so let me know if I can do anything to help. xxx

Libb Thu 17-Mar-05 12:29:25

Thank you everybody. This is going to get very complicated . . . I really wish I weren't at work so I could go home and sort stuff out.

Aimsmum Thu 17-Mar-05 12:51:48

Message withdrawn

fairyfly Thu 17-Mar-05 18:14:42

Libb im sorry hon, i hope you know if there is anything i can do to help i will. If you need any specific questions answering i will tell you what i know, just ask. Buzz me anytime. I know you are a really strong person and will get through this and back on track with a better life. Look after yourself x

cat82 Thu 17-Mar-05 18:22:43

Sweetheart i am so, so sorry. I am on the end of the phone if you need me, and would love to meet if you'd like.
I don't have any advice i'm afraid, but it goes without saying that if you need somewhere to stay for a while you're always welcome here.

Lots of love to you honey.


weesaidie Thu 17-Mar-05 19:23:04

Hey Libb

Very sorry to hear about your relationship... you will be okay though...

My main advice is about housing. I rent privately (luckily I was able to get a flat through a friend of a friend) and housing benefits pays all of my rent. They would pay me more actually as I only have a one bedroom and technically as there are two of us I should have two but it can be difficult to find private flats if you are on benefits. Everytime I read 'no DSS' I flinch. Awful narrow minded b****ds.

Being on benefits (I don't know if you are/will be) you have to go through the CSA for child support even if you have a private arrangement you are happy with! As happened with me... however they may be shut down soon so watch this space...

Emotionally, it's not bad being a single parent, in fact there are some massive pluses! (Just the usual, being able to watch/eat/do what you want! Have passionate new romances, etc) It can be hard but I am sure you will have lots of support...

Libb Thu 17-Mar-05 20:55:18

Thank you everybody,

Cat and FF - I will in touch with you both soon.

My head is spinning so much I don't know where to start, what would be the best thing for me to do right now? I am going to CAB on Monday but I really must get things moving.

fairyfly Thu 17-Mar-05 21:06:46

Tomorrow you can ring family credit for some forms. Housing associations. Look in the paper and see if you can find a private landlord who will take housing benefit. Then if they send you all the relevant paper work you will have it at hand if needed. Apart from that just try and look after yourself and see friends. CAB will help you with everything so not much you can do till monday. The most important thing till then is to have lots of support for yourself not the practicalities.

Caligula Thu 17-Mar-05 21:28:29

Good luck Libb. It's not all bad. And the reward is that you get to feel like Superwoman occasionally.

cat82 Fri 18-Mar-05 10:31:25

How are you feeling today Libb? It's good you're going to the CAB, that is definalty the first step to getting things moving. Not sure if it would be a good idea to go to the benifit office on Chesterton Road to find get a head start on applying for housing/ benifits?

I left a message on your phone yesterday, hope you got it.

You're not on your own honey. Lots of love xxx

Libb Fri 18-Mar-05 17:23:25

Hi Cat, thanks for your message. You sounded very poorly bear. Hope you feel better soon, we are all having a rare lurgy free moment which is just as well (I think I may have just cursed myself!)

What can I say? he is adamant and I am clueless as to where to start, I have people I owe money to baying for blood (luckily there is some money on the way but it is getting ugly!). I phoned the council who blithered on about a lengthy list and they got the Housing Aid Officer to phone me, the earliest appointment I could get is the 4th of April. I am considering staying in Haverhill as my childminder is fantastic and very stable for Reuben, it also means access would be easier for His Lordship and it is cheaper than Cambridge - unfortunately I have no ties with the area so I am going to have to push it.

I have next week off so I am going to explore my avenues and see what I can do. I feel quite strong when he is out but when he gets home I end up thinking about the small things "what about his first birthday?" and the bigger things "but you saw him being born, you said you couldn't be happier"

I left work early today as a lady complaining about a £30 ticket pushed me over the edge. I burst into tears because I wish that were my biggest problem!

I also told the childminder, she was fantastic and was very upbeat about the benefits I could claim so it may be okay afterall.

Prufrock Fri 18-Mar-05 22:57:27

Oh libb I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have no advice to give, but am here if you need sympathy.
I would say that he has to afford maintenance - he fathered your ds, he can't opt out of paying for him now. (And given what you've said about his feelings for him I doubt he would want to) But please don't feel sorry for your (d)p or feel like you have to support R. on your own - this situation is as much (if not more) his fault and he has to take responsibility, financial and otherwise, for it, and for your son

somebody Sat 19-Mar-05 20:03:35

Message withdrawn

fairyfly Mon 21-Mar-05 13:24:12

How are things going, i have been thinking of you, still stands if i can do anything just buzz me x

Libb Mon 21-Mar-05 13:31:21

Very spooky. I was just thinking about you . . . I am currently annoyed with myself because I didn't have the get up and go to go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau today.

I went out with my ex husband and our ex best man yesterday and got completely hammered. Stupidly paid £40 for a cab home because I was too drunk for the bus, lovely driver though - he was from Persia and very annoyed with exDP.

Then my friend phoned this morning and told me in uncertain terms to "come home" - she made me cry.

Libb Mon 21-Mar-05 13:32:26

I will MSN you later, it has just occured to me that my days here Mumsnetting are numbered.

nutcracker Mon 21-Mar-05 13:32:33

Libb, just wanted to say that if you are wanting to stay in the area you are in now then, that is your tie to the area, you don't need to have any other tie, ie family, job etc.

Libb Mon 21-Mar-05 13:39:07

Thank you Nutcracker, my only tie to this town is my ex DP and the childminder. She is the only reason I would stay, she is fantastic with him.

My friend did say that DS will settle with someone else soon enough and I know this is true - but I have such good vibes about her that I don't know what to do.

As for my ex-dp, my moods are veering so much that I just want to ignore him completely. Which isn't easy when you are living together and yet not, if you see what I mean . . .

Bonkerz Mon 21-Mar-05 13:42:39

Hi, dont know if this will help you but unless he chucks oyu out and makes you homeless you will be unable to be rehoused by the council. I was made homeless when my son was 10 weeks old and had to live ina B&B while waiting for council house, in end i rented privately and didnt get a council house for almost 14 months. If you decide to move out then you are making yourself homeless and will not be priority as far as council are concerned!

Libb Mon 21-Mar-05 13:59:05

I assumed that because he wants us to go then I am homeless. We obviously can't stay in the situation that we are, I will definitly (sp?) go to the CAB tomorrow.

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