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What do I do? False allegations: should I get legal invovement?

(3 Posts)
mybumpsaboy Fri 31-Oct-08 07:01:59

had a rather nasty shock the other day.

I was called in to see a psychiatrist from the maternity care section of the hospital - so I figured it was prob just a precaution against antenatal depression, with me being single & all. Noooope. I'm sat there, the shrink's reading through my file, & suddenly I spot a letter....from my ex's mother!!!! I start reading it over her shoulder, then demand to see it, even though it says 'confidential'.

Turns out ex's mother has secretly written to my GPs, claming that in the time she's known me she's witnessed all kinds of psychotic & unstable behaviour, ranging from moodswings, crying to 3 hour tantrums lying on the floor?! And she writes that she is worried for 'the child she is led to believe will be her grandchild' as she thinks I'm too unstable to be a mother?!? It is complete LIES. I've only been around this woman about 5 times - she's never so much as seen me cry (Of COURSE I've had moodswings etc - I'm heavily pregnant!!! But all she's got is my ex's clearly very exaggerated accounts of this) and the 3 hour tantrum thing is just an utter fabrication. In fact, on two occasions, I've seen HER break down: once when told about the baby, because she claimed she felt like she was losing her son by him having a child with me!?! Nice.

So anyway, the shrink assessed me & at first tried to offer me meds because I started crying in the office (purely because of the complete shock of seeing that letter!!!). I felt like I was being totally stitched up, but she did say that she could see no probs with me as a mother & if I AM mentally ill, they still couldn't tke the baby away from me on those grounds....but the point is, I'm not!!! And my ex's family are obv wanting a custody battle...I had wanted everything to be amicable, but how can I possibly be OK with them having contact now when I know the things they are going around saying about me backhandedly??? I've already accepted that I have to put up with my ex's OW (the teen he ran off with while I was pregnant) being in my baby's life..I've accepted I'll have to grant him PR cos he'll just get it in court anyway, & I've accepted I have to be paternity tested because - yet again - his evil mother has requested it, or the courts will make me. But this is the last straw.

Should I get legal assistance??? Would that do any good??? I feel like all my efforts to make things amicable with that idiot & his family have just been a joke.


OptimistS Fri 31-Oct-08 07:31:06

Oh God! What an appalling situation! I can understand why you'd be feeling so furious and upset. Your ex's mother sounds like a right piece of work.

OK, deep breaths... Try not to let this worry you too much. In actual fact, this will backfire on your ex and his mother. As you are not mentally ill, this pack of lies will be exposed for what they are and your ex and his mother will be exposed as manipulative liars. If things ever got to court, that wouldn't do them any favours. Chuck in the the fact that your ex ran off with a teenager while you were pregnant, and the way that he's swinging between disputing paternity one minute and tying to discredit you to get custody the next minute, and his case for custody is unlikely to stand a chance. Don't panic. Incidentally, ex's levelling claims of unfit parenting etc against the mother is extremely common in custody battles. I had it when I left my ex. I had a visit from my HV and a social worker, who told me how common it is and how they always take such allegations from an ex partner with a large dose of salt (although they do have to look into it by law). Apparently, the courts are well aware of this too and require a large amount of proof to believe it.

Here's what I'd do: See a solicitor to be absolutely sure that you've got the legal angle covered. It pays to be armed in advance. Send your ex an email (so you have it in writing, or get your solicitor to do it) saying that you are very hurt and sorry that he and his family felt it was necessary to see professionals about you behind your back when you have said all along that you are prepared for him to play a role in your child's life. Then respond in no other way whatsoever and pretend this hasn't happened. Whatever you do, do not allow this man or his family to see you upset or angry. Remain polite and cool at all times. They will have no ammunition against you. It may take time, but when they see they are getting no reaction from you, things will settle down. If they don't, when this comes to court at least you'll be able to show that you have behaved like a calm, reasonable adult while their behaviour will look increasingly erratic and malicious. Good luck.

Liffey Fri 31-Oct-08 11:56:40

Wow. You POOOOOOOR thing. sad [HUG]

I hate to say this, but it sounds like they are being extremely devious and laying the groundwork for winning residency further down the line, if they decide they want it.

It may be too much work for them, but they'll ruin your life to leave their options open.

You are collateral.

So yes, if I were you I'd see a solicitor and start lining up your ducks now.

Sorry to strongly disagree with the pp on this particular point, but, as tempting as it might be, please don't let your mil or x know that you know what they're up to by e-mailing them.

She thinks she's one step ahead of you. Don't contact her at ALL. Don't enter into debate with her. You don't need to. Nothing you can say will do you any good. Silence is the best weapon. As you know, she can twist or exaggerate any sound reason you present to her. So.just.don'


She doesn't know that you know about the letter does she? That's good. Keep it that way.

Perhaps, go to your own GP, explain the sitation and say you are so convinced of your sanity that you want to volunteer yourself for an independent psych evaluation.

Anybody would be upset to discover that their MIL was so devious and malicious. So don't worry that you cried in front of the psychiatrist.

Anyway, don't worry, your solicitor will tell you what to do. Do not whatever you do put his name on the birth cert. If you do, he will automatically have parental responsibility. And any court battles will automatically be so much harder to win. He will have EQUAL rights over the child. If his name isn't on the birth cert, he can whistle.... basically, he would first need to prove paternity, then he'd need to prove you were a worse mother than Kerry Katona.

So please, please do not put his name on the birth cert. He can still be involved and a good father if he proves his intentions are good not bad. But once his name is on the bc, you can't take it off.

I agree with the pp that you must remain calm though. Take several deep breaths. They are being a couple of smartarsebastards, but they would have to spend a fortune trying to prove you unfit before they would even have grounds to go to court for residency.

They are being arseholes but the absolute worst case scenario for you is that they spend a fortune going to court and losing because they have no grounds. STRESSFUL for you. But they just don't have any grounds.

Careful what you write on here too. It might be an idea to request that your posts are deleted every now and then. Sorry if that sounds paronoid, but you're talking to somebody who's x put a key logger on old pc and hacked into my blog.

Right. Take care of yourself. And by the way, congratulations on your pregnancy! Try to enjoy it and try to be happy insofar as is possible. Don't let them rob this time from you.


PS, you should mention to your solicitor that her comment about being 'led to believe that the baby is her son's' that could be a slur on your character??? Worth mentioning to the solicitor.

BTW, ring the eligibility helpline to see if you qualify for free legal aid.

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