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Can I help my brother in any way RE access to his little boy? i really want to......brace yourselves it could be long!!!

(12 Posts)
iliketosleep Tue 28-Oct-08 22:26:50

Right, a little bit of background. DB met his ex wife late 99 to early 2000 i think. She is a sikh we aren't. Ex wasn't happy at home as her father was violent and they decided to take the next step and move in together. They ran away and posted a note to her parents explaining. Her family disowned her and we welcomed her into our family with open arms, my mum used to comfort her when she was upset.

2001 she fell pregnant, they got married jan 2002 and she gave birth to dn in march. Her family accepted her back into the family and they brought their first house together.

Being a large and very close family exs sisters/brothers/parents etc were ALWAYS at their house.

Cue to march 2007, db is not happy at home for reasons i shall explain and leaves the family home, he turns up at my mums house in floods of tears after having to tell his son he has to go. He stuck it out for a long time but couldnt handle it anymore.

He met someone and they moved in together, they had a little boy together in june, that gorgeous little boy died the 3rd of this month at 15 weeks.

I am now going to give a list of everything ex has done/said over the last 5 or so years.

When DN2 was in hospital, right before they removed his tubes, he phoned ex and asked to speak to his ds which is understandable, he explained the situation to her and she said "what goes around comes around" she then later went to dns school and said the same thing to dns teacher but added "he deserved it" angry

She told me everytime i saw her she wished she would have married mr singh and been rich as DB was useless/lazy/no good etc although he worked 6 days a week and paid her a 'clothes and hair allowence' each week.

She slapped dn around his face when he was squirming during a nappy change, he was about 14 months old. I witnessed this but she doesnt know i did.

She told dn to call my mum 'white nanny' and 'white nanny doesnt love you as much as indian nanny does' which hurt my mum no end.

She told me my brother forced her into an abortion but after speaking to my brother found out it was a joint decision as they felt they wouldnt be able to afford/cope with another one.

She told my nephew to call dbs dp 'banana women' (she is jamacian)

She used to tell me that she could never get db to argue with her (he is that laid back he is almost horizontal) and sometimes hit him with rage to provoke him but never succeded, then filed in the divorce he was violent.

I have to stop now as i am getting worked up but the list goes on and on and on.

She is not fit to have a child, she does not deserve him. DB has not seen his son since his little boy died and wont for a further 3 weeks cause of some bullshit excuse. All he wants is to give his boy a cuddle. DN said that if he saw db driving past he would open the car door and get in and never go back hes only 6

I probably shouldnt be giving out my brothers life over the internet but im desperate to help him and any advice would be gratefully recieved. We aren't that close but I have broken my heart for him over the past 4 weeks and would do anything to make him happy.

Sorry it was long and thankyou if you have got this far

Spero Wed 29-Oct-08 00:13:05

I'm not quite sure what you are asking for. Is it for help for your brother to see his child? or is it for help for your brother to have his child living with him?

When families go to war like this it is very very difficult. I am not saying that his ex isn't an evil bitch from hell; from what you say she sounds pretty awful, but there are often many sides to a story and this situation sounds pretty similar to many I have dealt with over the years.

To have a child aged six removed from his resident parent will require an order from the court; either in private law proceedings with an application for a residence order or in public law proceedings where the local authority or the NSPCC issue care proceedings.

going to court is a big, serious step and as far as I can see will only solidify and intensify any family battle that is currently waging. And nobody wins.

to help your brother I think you can do the following; encourage him to try to talk to his ex in a neutral setting with somebody there to mediate and control the dicussions. If that is a hopeless idea, your brother needs to get proper legal advice from a specialist family lawyer who can set out all his options and way to manage the situation.

But somebody has to try to take the moral highground otherwise all that happens is the children get caught up in fights between adults that can degenerate very quickly.

I know this is hard to hear when you are on the receiving end of unreasonable abuse/behaviour but it is very hard to get a happy ending in family disputes, or even a reasonably satisfactory ending; and its impossible if both sides of the family are treating it as a battle.

Good luck, I hope it works out for your brother.

wabbit Wed 29-Oct-08 00:20:38

Does he have any access to his dc?

so sorry to hear about your little nephew too - you must all be raw with grieving sad

UmSami Wed 29-Oct-08 00:31:05

I wish I could offer some helpful advise, unfortunately I'm usless there, but I just wanted to send love, support and prayers to you and your family. I'm so sorry for what you are all going through.

lostdad Wed 29-Oct-08 07:52:52

iliketosleep - simple answer: Contact FNF (Families Need Fathers) or better still, get him to.

Google the name and call the number.

Children have a right to two loving parents and FNF is a parenting charity that works to this end (it is far old and absolutely nothing to do with F4J). A third of the members are women - women who have been denied access to their children but also grandmothers, aunts, cousins, girlfriends and second wives.

It's normal in these circumstances to say `I'll have a look' - but if you do one thing today, contact them.

lulumama Wed 29-Oct-08 07:56:44

he needs a lawyer , these things should be arranged legally and with a court order if necessary if things are not amicable

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 29-Oct-08 08:13:56

agree with lulu - either way I think (personally) he's going to have a real fight on his hands if he's not allowed reasonable access/the EX is 'poisoning' the boy's mind as it were.

He deffo needs a good lawyer.

glitterfairy Wed 29-Oct-08 09:04:27

I think lostdad and Spero gave very sensible advice. As someone who has been through the courts for years I would say try everything else first. Good luck and here's hoping your nephew gets both parents working together for his good. smile

iliketosleep Wed 29-Oct-08 10:09:46

Thanks for your replies

I'm used to the court system myself having been going through it now for the past 8 years

He used to have 'decent' access, every saturday from 8 till 4 but she would just randomly ring and say you cant have him he is ill, then I would see him (DN) playing outside exs mums house right as rain. He doesnt have any friends outside school but he does have a hell of a lot of nintendo ds games, he loves to go to my brothers to play with his sister (dbs dps little girl who db has adopted)

They are starting the court process very soon and I wondered if there was anything i could do or say that may swing things his way a bit so that he gets a little more than a few hours on a saturday.

Going from my experience he should get a full weekend every fortnight but that could take months.

Its so sad that db loves dn so much and dn loves db so much but his bitch of an ex is standing between tham keeping them away from each other. DN has been crying and getting into scraps and crying at school as he misses his daddy

I will definatly ring the FNF thankyou for that!!

Also I dont want dn taken away from his mum as that is wrong but i think he should have very good contact and overnight.

Hopefully cafcass will get involved and speak to dn

glitterfairy Wed 29-Oct-08 10:38:42

Cafcass may speak to you as well. They do sometimes speak to other relatives too. You can ask to speak to them of course. Perhaps it would be wise to temper your hatred of your brothers x though.

How do you know about your nephews school?

iliketosleep Wed 29-Oct-08 10:52:53

They spoke to my brother as she had painted him as a big bad wolf and initially they took her side and when he spoke to them they had no time for him and didnt tell him anything.

When she told the teacher "his baby has just died but what goes around comes around and he deserves it" she got intouch and told him that she couldnt believe what she had said and then continued to tell db of dns problems at school.

glitterfairy Wed 29-Oct-08 12:18:56

Oh ok. That is such an awful thing to say it is truly shocking.

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