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This is wrong, right?

(39 Posts)
isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 09:58:01


I've name changed for this as I have a long running thread going on another subject, and just wanted to share this on it's own merits IYSWIM.

I am a single Mum of 3, having fled domestic abuse and started again. I met someone else, and all seemed to be going well for a while but we split due to his moods and me having to walk on eggshells all the time (been there, done that). There was other stuff but nothing major.

I always felt slightly uncomfortable when he was around my daughter, who's 13...he would walk into her room without knocking etc...but she told me yesterday that one day we were round his house and she had a vest top on with a built in bra, but had a normal bra on too. he asked her why she was wearing a bra with a top that had one built in, and she told him she felt more comfy that way. he then told her to go upstairs and take her bra off and come back down and show him what the top looked like without a bra! Now, to me that screams 'inappropriate'...she's 13, and we've come from a very abusive background...physical as well as sexual and emotional.

Don't get me wrong, we're not together anymore and I've no intentions of getting back with him, but tell I right in thinking and feeling that this should be ringing massive alarm bells? Or has my past coloured my judgement of men?

tribpot Tue 21-Oct-08 09:58:55

No way, that sounds definitely inappropriate to me.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 21-Oct-08 09:59:06

That would ring alarm bells for me, yes. Wildly inappropriate. Good thing it's over.

scorpio1 Tue 21-Oct-08 09:59:55

Sounds odd to me.

veryunhappychappy Tue 21-Oct-08 10:00:45

I know your other thread isthiswrong -YES it is TOTALLY wrong.

veryunhappychappy Tue 21-Oct-08 10:01:33

Not all men are like this. You are having major bad luck with the guys you are meeting. Have you had any counselling yourself?

isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 10:06:59

VUC...I wasn't trying to hide as such with my name change, lol, just wanted to present this as a subject all by itself as my thread is soooo complicated!!!! I'd be rubbish as an undercover agent wouldn't I? lol

No, haven't had counselling as the GP said that whilst I am still in the thick of things there wouldn't be much point, to just 'ride' the storm out and then put my life back together afterwards.

Yep...major bad luck with the men in my life. I'm not looking for anyone to be honest...just happy to be with the kids for now.

isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 10:09:52

The odd thing is, right at the start of the relationship, he told me that his biggest fear would be to be accused of interfering with a child. He said that all a child had to do (DD1 he was referring to) was to decide to be spiteful, and make out he had done something to them, and that would be his life over. At the time, although I thought it was a slightly odd thing to say, I didn't think anything of it. But I'm really starting to wonder...

beeny Tue 21-Oct-08 10:10:28

I prosecute lots of child abuse cases very familiar comment

veryunhappychappy Tue 21-Oct-08 10:11:23

me too, i'm trying to be incognito also smile

you and your girls need to recover brfore letting anyone else into your family

balismum Tue 21-Oct-08 10:13:40

definitely inappropriate and sounds like counselling would be a good plan for you and your daughter. good that this man is out of your life. good luck to you and your kids.

beeny Tue 21-Oct-08 10:15:46

He sounds like a typical paedophile they often have patterns just like in domestic violence

isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 10:16:14

LOL VUC...I thought so! I'm not being paranoid then? Actually I know damn well I'm not, but because I am isolated here, as in I have no real support in RL, I have no one to thrash things out with so it's easy to over analyse things (and myself).

isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 10:19:57

He also asked a few times whether DD1 would go topless if we went on a beach holiday together, and he'd like her to be less 'modest'...i.e walk out of the bathroom naked after a shower (he didn't say it in so many words obviously but that's what was implied).
I know this is all academic as I am no longer with him, all of the above being some of the reasons I did finish it. But I have this need to get things straight in my mind!

beeny Tue 21-Oct-08 10:20:55

I have prosecuted cases with paedophiles for over 14 years.They often say things like let me check your bra size.I wanted to say well done for getting out my prayers are with you.You are very brave.

isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 10:22:51

Beeny, not brave, just trying to protect the children I feel I let down in my marriage (my exH was very very abusive to me and all 3 children, and it took me 6 years to leave). Then I met this man and it looks like the same thing (could) have happened again.

beeny Tue 21-Oct-08 10:23:38

I have just read your last comment did he actually ever touch her,counselling might be a good idea.She may have become frightened even if he didnt get that far.

isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 10:25:53, he never touched her and I'm sure she'd have told me if he had. Just his comments were inappropriate. She won't go to counselling unfortunately.

beeny Tue 21-Oct-08 10:26:21

No you are brave you would be amazed how many women stick by abusive partner,even when they know abuse is going on.They ignore own children being molested.I wish i could really help you.

isthiswrong Tue 21-Oct-08 10:29:07

It helps just being able to put my thoughts down smile

Right now, we're enjoying just being 'us' and recovering. It'll be a long time before I trust again tho.

JuxBackFromTheDead Tue 21-Oct-08 10:30:29

Don't know your other thread so you're incognito to me.

Glad you got away from this -shitfaced- -bastard- person. You have done the right thing. Everything you've said on this thread points to something nasty in the woodpile with your ex. Glad you're out. How's your daughter?

beeny Tue 21-Oct-08 10:32:44

Good take care of yourself and your kids.Nice men dont make odd comments.Be kind to yourself.These type of men fool women from every type of background.

RachelG Tue 21-Oct-08 11:32:11

Sounds very dodgy to me. Good for you for getting out of this relationship. I hope you and the kids have a nice time now.

sb6699 Tue 21-Oct-08 11:34:16

Wholly inappropriate and very worrying.

Glad you got out of there when you did.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your dd - well done her for confiding in you.

NotDoingTheHousework Tue 21-Oct-08 11:37:55

Message withdrawn

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