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i really should be careful what i wish for!

(14 Posts)
Katiekins83 Sun 19-Oct-08 20:00:35

hi! for months and months ( well just over 2 years actually!) i wished and hoped and prayed that my son father would become involved and 4 months ago my wish came true...i wanted nothing to do with the amn, but i am doing it for the sake of my DS.
however...this is where the problem began...when he had been seeing my DS again for just over 2 weeks, when he drops it into conversation that he has feelings for me and that this is the reason that he "left"... his words not mine. my reaction was obviously not what he was expecting as i said he had a funny eay of showing it and that, what a good get out clause to turn this all and make it my fault.
anyway 4 nearly 5 months later...he wont leave me alone, he has moved into the same street as me, calls all the time and i have made it EXTREMELY clear to him that all i wnat is for him to have relationship with his son and that i am not his. i have found out today that he has been telling people at work that i am his girlfriend and he drew all kindso of fake pictures that he took away with him when he had to go on a course with work ( a friend of mine also works for the same firm) and so he put everyone straight. he has started going to my GYM, even asking for the same trainer as me, my trainer said he had been asking what time i usually come in etc,a dn he has alos started going to my church after never setting foot in one before the start of the month. He is now a STALKER!
i am dating someone at the moment and as far as i am aware he does not know this, but even if someone else calls when he is here...seeing our DS, he goes all weird saying what he would do in front of me to show me how much he was hurt. i dont want to stop contact and he is certainly not taking my son out of my sight when his moods are so unpredictable.
so what do i do...he wants his name on the birth cert i have said no, not until he has been around for at least a year.
he seems to think that all will be fine, but it wont i dont want him, but i dont want my son no knowing his father...although yesterday the person who i m dating called just before he was leaving, and the next thing i knew my son got the anger taken out on him, he was a bit to heavy handed taking a toy off him and he hit his head...i made him leave.
anyone know hat i should do?
help!!

trumpetgirl Sun 19-Oct-08 20:24:37

I have no idea what you should do, but didn't want to leave this unanswered!
I think that if you are scared of him, you should do something, legally, to get him out of your life. It's all well and good wanting him in your DS's life, but not at the expense of your quality of life.
Also wanted to say that it could be that he has no interest in your DS and is just using him to see you. In which case it is only a matter of time before his obsession moves onto someone else (hopefully) and he might stop seeing your DS anyway.
I say get rid of him!
Hope someone pops up with some proper advice soon!

Katiekins83 Sun 19-Oct-08 20:32:16

thankyou trumpet girl...i just hope that it will pass too...he left me for someone else when i was preg so hopefull it will hapen again...i did think about asking for him to have contact (supervised) so that he sees william and not me...see if he still wants to be around so much then.
i have to tell him alot that he need to listen and play with his son and not have a conversation with me all the time i try to do something else...ie clean the kitchen where i can see that DS is ok but am not in eye contact.

exasperatedmummy Sun 19-Oct-08 20:42:40

I think you need to seek professional advice here. Maybe contact social services or whoever could point you in the right direction for getting some sort of official access plan laid down. He sounds a bit unstable to me.

trumpetgirl Sun 19-Oct-08 20:45:30

My DD's dad left me when I was pregnant, then turned up when DD was 9 months old. We ended up in a relationship (desperation and loneliness were to blame!) until DD was 4 and a half. I split up with him and he has never been in contact since. DD is still upset a year and a half later.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that if you think he isn't going to be a reliable and stable father figure in your DS's life, I think you should cut him out now to avoid future heart ache. Supervised contact sounds like a good idea, to assess whether he actually has any interest in his son or not.
Good luck!

Katiekins83 Sun 19-Oct-08 20:52:38

yes i think i will investigate the contact hing...but as of tomorrow night he will see him for 1 hour on mon wed and fri night and half a day sat or sun...prob sun if he insists on taking over my church!
wont be telling him anything and will be hiding all paperwork just incase i have to move...possibly leave the country! lol!

PurplePumpkinWitchyOne Mon 20-Oct-08 01:57:56

Did he ever abuse you katiekins?

His behaviour sounds very unhealthy and I'd be ready to call the police and get supervised contact.
Trust your hunches. I'd be most freaked if exp, or even exh moved into the same street.

He CAN have access to your ds, and yabble to you all night. See a solicitor (1/2 hr free, or you could apply for legal aid) and get him out of your home.

Does he snoop in your home katie? The last line of your last post about hiding paperwork rings red flags to me. Why should you have to hide your stuff in your own home? Get him out of there and get him supervised.

Sorry for the rant. A DV survivor here, and I pick up on crap like this.
Keep us posted how you're getting on ok?

Blessings.. x

PurplePumpkinWitchyOne Mon 20-Oct-08 01:59:08

and not yabble to you all night blush

Katiekins83 Mon 20-Oct-08 12:12:34

no he has never been violent to me... but have seen him be very violent towards other esp men.
he also broke the bones of the man who his last GF started seeing after him as "he was still in love with her and would never hurt a woman"
he just gets angry too quickly and if in a mood is too heavy handed, i ask him to leave. he called last night over 10 times and i pressed the busy button and so he rang the house phone, he must think i am as dumb as him i still never answered then i got bombarded with texts...what is wrong and the like...so i told him to piss off and give me my space.
he was in the gym this morning...luckly i had booked my trainer so we went out of the building.
yes i am very cautious, i think he has alterir motives ( do fronsic psychology and am very aware of psychotic behaviour!)lol!
yes have called citizens advice, made an appointment to see someone there.
what has started to worry me as of this morning speaking to his mum is the accusation his sister made, saying he raped her when she was about 10 or 11...this came out after i had had my son.
i do wonder what sort of family i have got my son into...mine a sane compared to his!

Debra1981 Mon 20-Oct-08 21:04:42

you can certainly have him charged with harassment if he is calling you and texting you as much as you say- that might warn him off a bit- I know you said he never abused you (remember it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse) but I would see if the police can help you curb his other stalking behaviour- a restraining order or such, as it must be seriously affecting your quality of life and therefore your son's as he will pick up on and mirror your stress. Supervised contact sounds like a very good idea in your case- you've definitely got grounds for it. You must be so disappointed that things have turned out like this, I wouldn't really want a loon like that in my child's life (saying that my ex is not all there but he's not stalking me). I know what you mean about wanting the child to know their dad. It's not worth compromising their safety and your own private life for though.

Katiekins83 Mon 20-Oct-08 21:58:22

he has been to see his son tonight...telling me how stressed he is.. i told him that i didnt give a toss about him or his personal life and that he should keep his nose out of mine and that all he is here to do is see his son and leave. he has more time to do what he wants to do whatever he wants. i was very blunt with him and will continue to do untill he gets the message. yes have started proceedings regarding supervised contact. i shouldnt have to deal with his shit and yes funny people should mention the impact on my son...he has just moved up a class in nursery and i had put it down to that but his clingyness and general mummy wanting and waking up in the middle of the night ( every 20-30 minutes for the past 2 nights) asking for cuddles.
i have given him a timetable tonight s he was leaving...or rather being forced out of the door. only time will tell!

Katiekins83 Wed 22-Oct-08 16:08:26

what a stroke of luck my Xp has had his phone stolen...so my home number and number have been lost! yeah!
so no more silly texts and calls! peace all day. i may give him another number to contact me on so he cant satrt again!

PurplePumpkinWitchyOne Wed 22-Oct-08 21:57:57

Karma has weird ways of working wink

Katiekins83 Mon 27-Oct-08 08:47:19

ok ...it all calmed down but yesterday we did not go to church so he came hammering on my door, i was putting my DS to sleep at the time, as he is unwell, so i didnt answer. i thought im not answerable to him, he is trying to take over my life...and im not leting it happen. an hour and 4 knocks later i finally got my son to sleep, when he started shouting through the letterbox that he knew i was in there. still didnt answer, so he knocked on one of my family members doors and told them that they had to phone me as he thought that there was something wrong...and she did. and the stupid thing is she knows the way he is being atm. needless to say i told nursery today in no uncertain terms that he will never be collected by his dad and if he even attempts to get him they are to call the police.
he will get the message in the end.

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