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PLEASE HELP!!!

(8 Posts)
yeye Mon 07-Mar-05 00:34:20

hi all.
My husband and I had a big fight over little things that wasnt even worth fighting. I told him to calm down and I kept telling him there was nothing to fight about but he kept insisting. Then, suddenly he started to open a lot of things that i never heard from him for more than 4 years that i lived with him. He said for the first time that he doesnt love our son as much as I do and he doesnt care about our son that much. He said that our son ruins his everyday life. He said that he's not happy with his life and he hates the fact that he's working hard to support his family. I never heard that from him before. I was very speechless. My son was at the back of the car and he started crying so hard and my husband kept yelling at him to shut up. I was so upset because he wont stop yelling at him so I tried to throw the DVDS at him and when he saw me doing that he tried to slap me. He almost did but instead of hitting me hard he just touched my face with his right hand. It didnt hurt because he stopped himself from hitting me hard. Now, I am very confused. Should I give him the chance to be a good father and a good husband? or should I pack my things and leave? If I do leave with my son I wont be able to support him. He's only 3 years old and I just got fired from my job. I dont have a drivers license and I dont have a car. I came from another country because he petitioned me. If I do go home to my country he'll never see his son again. I dont know if thats what I should do.
Please help!

suzywong Mon 07-Mar-05 01:14:21

oh dear, what an unfortunate situations, sorry

Firstly that is absolutley shocking behaviour in front of your ds (dear/darling son, we use that phrase for a certain level of anonymity and because it could take ages to write out names) and you should not place your son in that situation again.

Which means you need to take a break from you dh (dear husband) until he has calmed down and knows he can't behave like that anymore.

I know you are a foreigner, in the nicest possible way, and therefore don't have family here but do you have any friends you could stay with for a couple of days, just to give you and dh some space and hopefully get to a stage where the anger has died down a bit?

With regards to having to go back to your own country, if you want to then do it, it would be your dh's loss and if he carries on like this then frankly it's no loss to you.

You will, I'm sure get lots more practical and sound advice on here in the morning, but I live in Australia so it's breakfast time for me and I just wanted to let you know that you aren't being ignored


Hope this helps (HTH as we say on here)

somebody Mon 07-Mar-05 09:41:32

Message withdrawn

tammybear Mon 07-Mar-05 10:05:28

Hi yeye, sending you hugs. When you say give him the chance to be a good father, do you think he will? If this has all boiled over four years, then changes arent going to happen over night. He should have talked to you about these things if they were bothering him. We all make sacrifices when we have children but we do because we love them and want to give them the best that we can, no matter how hard it is on us. He shouldnt have spoke about those things in front of your ds either. Thats so terrible!

I wouldnt say leave him if you want to give him a chance. Like the others suggested do you have somewhere you can go short-term? Just for a few days, so you can clear your head and do whats best for you and your ds. Talk to your dh in a few days time, or when you feel ready, and ask him what he wants. Does he want to have the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with his ds? But please, just think about what you want to do, and what you think is best for your ds.

My situation is I live on my own, and my dd (darling daughter) who is 2 sees her father once a month. It works out well with me because Im not with him, dd still gets to see him, and although it is a struggle being on my own, I do cope.

Thinking of you, and hope you're okay. xxx

yeye Mon 07-Mar-05 20:29:36

Thank you all for the advice.
I haven't spoke to him since the fight, I figured I'll give him time before i open this things up to him. He havent talked to me either but he talks to my ds and plays with him. I don't know what to say to him yet. I dont have any friends around except his sister. But I did talk to her sister and she told me that I can go down and stay with her for a couple of days and I told her what happened. She said that they came from a very abusive family. Their parents cursed and yelled infront of them all the time and so were their grandparents. Their parents are divorced now but all their family did was yell and curse at everyone. I dont know if that should give him an excuse to yell at his ds because his an adult he know whats right and whats wrong. If he knew what his parents did was wrong then he shouldnt become like them. I heard my mom yelled before but it doesnt mean that I have to yell and curse also.
I dont know if I should go to his sisters house because I dont have any friends around. i just moved here in Ca from NJ few months ago. I could fly back to NJ and see my dad but then his family lives there so he might want to come. Should I go to his sisters house for awhile?
or should i stay at a hotel at disneyland for a couple of days?
Do guys think that it was a bad idea for me to tell his sister what happened?
the reason I told her was she was also a friend of mine and everytime she has fights with her fiance she tells me and not him.

Thank you guys for your support. It really makes me feel better.

somebody Tue 08-Mar-05 20:06:36

Message withdrawn

yeye Thu 10-Mar-05 08:07:14

finally, I talked to him and i asked him what was bothering him. He told me that he's been kind of depressed lately and he felt like he didnt have any freedom. He said that he does the same thing everyday, go to work, go to school, come home and sleep. He feels like he's going around in circles. He also told me that he wanted to hang out with his friends again and he wanted to have a good time again. I told him that he can do all of that but now that he has a family he has responsibility it doesnt mean that he cannot hang out with friends he can still hang out with his friends and have a good time.
He told me that he wants to hang out by myself also and not around me or our ds.He said that eversince we had a baby he felt like he's been a prisoner. He just wanted his old life back , hang out with friends, go to concerts, get drunk.

I told him that you chose a life that is better than what it was, you have a wife that cares for you and a ds that adores and think that your the greatest dad. If you want to do what you did back then , i can understand but you will end up hurting our ds because our ds needs you to be a good father and as his role model.

My dh was just quiet after I said that. So I asked him if he wanted to go out on vacation just him and me and he said that he didnt know and we ended our conversation. Now,I dont know what to do. He really seems not happy with his life but i know he loves me and I know he loves our son but if he is not happy of the life he has now then i really dont know what to do.

lunavix Thu 10-Mar-05 08:51:28

I don't know what to say to help, but you can't put your ds in the situation he can say that again. It makes me so sad thinking of him crying after hearing his dad say that stuff, and those memories are the ones that will stick with him for life.

It's fair enough if your dh wants more freedom, a little immature but it's his life as he stays. But make it perfectly clear to him he CANNOT upset that little boy. It's not fair, and tbh it's truly disgusting.

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