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HOW do I stop obsessing and then getting upset about this stuff ??

(37 Posts)
IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 12:57:39

I have been single now for well over 2 years. In alot of ways, I am doing so much better now than I was back then and am generally a stronger person.

However, the one thing, that can still reduce me to tears is the fact that I am alone and likely to be for the forseeable future.

To me this marks me out as a failure, although I don't really know why I think this.

If anything this fear and loathing at being alone has gotten worse since the split and definatly no better. Without wanting to sound big headed, at the time of the split it never even entered my head that i'd still be single now. If you'd of asked me how long i thought i'd be single for i'd have said 6mths-1 year.

It is getting to the point where even talking to someone about their happy relation ship brings a lump to my throat and I find myself avoiding talking to them. I am happy for them, but it hurts so much to hear about how happy they are, and makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't have some of that happiness.

I am constantly being told that I will meet someone when the time is right etc etc, and I know people only mean well, but the reality is, that they don't know this, and there is every chance that I won't ever meet anyone.
Three female relatives of mine in their 40's and 50's are single and have been for years and years, so that could easily be me.

So, is there anything I can do at all, to change my thinking on this ?? I am sick of feeling so down about not having the future I really want, that it is wrecking the life I do have now.

childrenofthecornsilk Tue 14-Oct-08 13:08:10

I'm not a lone parent so hope you don't mind me sticking my nose on, but I clicked on your page last night and saw that both you and your chn are goegeous. You also comecaross as being a really interesting, friendly and funny person. I would say you've got lots going for you anyway.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:10:09

Thank you, thats lovely of you to say.

My self confidence/esteem however is practically zero so I do find it hard to see any of that, although I would agree that I am friendly, at a push wink.

I just thought that by now, even if I were still single, that I wouldn't care, but I do and it feels so much worse not better.

childrenofthecornsilk Tue 14-Oct-08 13:11:29

Do you think you're going through a bad patch in general? I always find I get a bit gloomy when the sun disappears anyway!

childrenofthecornsilk Tue 14-Oct-08 13:13:52

Got to go to work now IB but hope you're feeling happier soon.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:14:36

Hmm if I am then it is a big bad patch LOL.

I do find it hard being single at xmas, as I see it as such a family time, and I know me and my kids are a family, but it's just not how it was meant to be iyswim.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:14:51

Thanks smile

Snaf Tue 14-Oct-08 13:15:11

Oh, nutty, I knew this would be you smile

Being single is not a failing. It's just not, and to carry on thinking it is, is so destructive. I wish I could come round to your house and (with affection) shake you out of this mindset!

ninah Tue 14-Oct-08 13:16:46

agree Xmas is shite, all those adverts for a start.
Being on your own is a whole lot better than being with the wrong person tho.

trumpetgirl Tue 14-Oct-08 13:18:45

I know exactly what you mean. I've been single for about 18 months now, and I feel like I'll be alone forever!
It's worst at night when I've had a sh*t day and there's noone there to give me a hug
I have very little advice to be honest, but I don't think there's much point worrying about it. You have to try and make the best of what you have now. Things could be a lot worse.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:21:04

LOL, at least I am predictable eh Snaf grin

Being on my own is better than being with the wrong person yes, I do definatly agree with that.

I am just tired i think, tired of physically and mentally being alone and having to deal with everything.

Dd1 is being an arse and acting like a teen when she isn't quite yet and dd2 is so grumpy all the damn time I want to shake her.

We are invited to my friends bonfire party and the kids want to go so I have agreed, but I really don't want to go, and be surrounded by happy loved up couples as I am in danger of shoving them all onto the fire.

Snaf Tue 14-Oct-08 13:21:39

Nobody's life is 'how it should be' - look below the surface and everyone is battling with their demons and their worries. I promise you. Even the happy ones turn round sometimes and think 'Is this it? Seriously?'

I know it's hard. I honestly do - I'm single, have been for 5 years. I'm older than you too wink But whenever I feel a bit blah about it, I think that I would always, always rather be alone than in a crap relationship. Even for the rest of my life.

You need to focus on stuff outside of being single. Job, friends, etc. It's those things that keep me going and make me feel genuinely, honestly happy and lucky. Never the thought of a bloke.

You're not a failure. You are SO not a failure - look at what you've done in the last couple of years!

Snaf Tue 14-Oct-08 13:23:31

You've got to stop thinking of them as 'loved-up couples'. They're not. They're driving each other nuts half the time, I swear to you.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:28:17

Yeah you are probably right, I just hate it so much.

LightTouch Tue 14-Oct-08 13:29:50

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been on my own now for three years, and sadly no change in sight. I have one gorgeous DS, he is a real gift and has kept me going, but it does definately make it harder to get out and meet people. I am not sure about the internet dating thing, and don't have a computer that I could use anyway (work computer barrs dating sites etc). Like you, people tell me that it will all happen for me at some point, but I don't have any faith in that - I have dreadful legs grin.

It isn't a just bad patch that makes me sad about this either, its just my current reality. Its wonderful to see posts on here where people have turned around their lives, and I am pretty proud of what I've achieved, as I am holding down a good job (touch wood) and have a great bunch of friends, but I do wish I had someone to share it with.

I agree with OP, your photos are lovely, and I've read some great posts from you so if that chance comes your way, and I really hope it will, then you are likely to do well when you grab it. Don't know what to say in the meantime though, except that life's not always fair (my HB left me for someone I thought was a friend and they have both since treated me abominably, and yet they are together, and I am alone), but if you let the unfairness get to you, it will eat away at you. Concentrate on the good things you do have (children , new career) and let yourself shine, so that you are ready if life throws something good at you. While you're waiting, we'll all be here to give you hugs smile

ninah Tue 14-Oct-08 13:34:57

they are not all so loved up you know ...
yes it is tiring etc but at least no less than d- p to add to the strain!
Any chance you can have a break, go out? I had a day at swimming pool and sauna this year, first one for literally years and it was fab, better than drugs - I imagine - lol

Snaf Tue 14-Oct-08 13:37:21

I can understand you must be knackered. You've got three, after all - I've only got the one and sometimes he runs me ragged. I do understand, honest, and hope I'm not sounding harsh.

I know it gets lonely - sometimes when I'm sitting in front of the tv in my pyjamas at 8pm for the 12th night in a row I think 'WTF? I should be having romantic couply meals or making my gorgeous and devoted dh rub my feet, at least!' grin

I honestly think that starting work will make a massive difference to the way you feel about stuff, nutty. And you need to do the social side of things, even when you don't feel like them, because it's that that stops you from feeling isolated.

No-one thinks you're a failure because you don't have a bloke. Or if they do, they're not worth bothering about.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:39:16

Thank you both. I do agree with what you are saying and I do try to not let it bother me, but it does have a habit of getting on top of me and making me crumble.

I can't afford a spa day or anything right now tbh, and wouldn't go on my own anyway, but a friend has just said she will take me out for a meal in a couple of weeks, so thats something to look forward to.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:40:45

I think I am worried about the social side of my job tbh, as I know I will really struggle to join in at all.

Oh, Lighttouch, I have tried internet dating and it isn't for me.

Snaf Tue 14-Oct-08 13:41:04

I never felt so lonely as when I was in a dysfunctional relationship. I know it's a cliche, but it is completely true.

I sometimes wonder if I've gone too far the other way - am so comfortable in my single-dom now that I actively discourage the possibility of getting involved with anyone. I don't want my little world disrupted; some great farting lump of a bloke coming into my life and messing it up - now that's weird grin

Snaf Tue 14-Oct-08 13:42:14

Why will you struggle - because of childcare/babysitting? Or just general shyness/self esteem? Or a bit of both?

IllegallyBrunette Tue 14-Oct-08 13:54:59

I worry I will go too far the other way too.

I wouldn't have a problem with getting a babysitter no. My mum would love to babysit for me especially if it means I am going out getting a life. It is my self esteem that will stand in the way.

tigerlili Tue 14-Oct-08 18:39:25

I don't want my little world disrupted; some great farting lump of a bloke coming into my life and messing it up - now that's weird


it just makes that extra special man who manages to be part of said world extra special!!!!!

Been single since Jan, and at times i love it , me and my ds. At other times especially the joyous 1st's ie 1st xmas on own. 1st bday etc etc it feels CRAP!

How bout joining a social group eg SPICE ? nowt to do with dating but you get to have an adult conversation and have fun?????? I am purposely going out new year ( dad babysitting) so i don't have to be around happy family scenario type stuff!
Internet dating not for me either!
Being in a dysfunctional relationship is just as suckworthy i agree!!

(((((((((illegally Brunette))))))))))))

Lauriefairycake Tue 14-Oct-08 18:55:36

what about that site sarah beeny set up, think its

If no good get your girlfriends to fix you up on dates, I have at least 3 single great guys I could fix you up with so I'm guessing your mates do to.

Also, get a babysitter for yourself so you can do a great college course/craft course/pottery course/creative writing course/join a drama group

There are so many fab things I would do if I just had a touch more time in the evening (as I have a dh who works long hours)

mabanana Tue 14-Oct-08 19:01:49

There are loads of single 30somethings who would love to have three healthy children - really there are. You are very young, and there is no reason at all why you won't meet someone, but you won't meet them at home! Tell all your mates you are in the market for a nice man.

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