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What shall I do? Please help, sorry long post...

(10 Posts)
whatatodo Mon 13-Oct-08 21:39:46

Hi all,

I really need some advice here. I've just found out that i'm pregnant after a holiday 'romance'(burst bloody condom and not a chemist in sight). The dad is Spanish, lives over there, but i've known him for a while (my family goes out there quite a lot). I'm very confused and worried about what to do, and whether or not to go ahead and keep the baby. I think in my heart of hearts I want to keep it, as I don't think I can go through with a termination, as I had one at 16, but then the other part of me thinks "Madness!". I would be happy for him to be a part of the baby's life, and to go out and visit as often as possible (if that's what he wants), but essentially I know that I would be a single mum, and i'm fully aware of how hard that would be (hence the "madness" thoughts!). However, I have so many thoughts going through my head:

Is it fair to bring a baby into the world if it's dad doesn't want it? I have written him a long email telling him what the situation is yesterday, so currently awaiting some kind of response (if any!), and pretty sure he will respond but don't know his feelings- guessing won't be massively enthusiastic!

How will I cope financially? I have a good job at the moment (I earn 30K), but it sounds silly, if I earn too much (not that i'm minted by any means, what with student loan repayments), will I struggle even more money wise? I don't want to be a benefit scrounger, but would like to know what help I can get, if any- especially for help with rent and child care. Dad is still a student in Spain and has 2 years left to go, so I have stated in email that if I was to keep, I wouldn't expect money for now.

Will I live to regret if I do go ahead? I spoke to a well meaning friend last night who is very matter of fact/ blunt, and told me in no uncertain terms that basically my life will be over, that i'll never progress in my career, meet a nice guy, or go out ever again- i was left in floods

I feel that I could cope with a baby (i'm 24) and have definitely done my main partying, but am I being naive? Will I be a dribble encrusted hermit forever? I'm still so shocked and confused, it doesn't feel real... Please help

beansmum Mon 13-Oct-08 22:18:32

Of course it is fair to bring a child into the world if it's dad doesn't want it, as long as YOU want it. I had ds knowing that his father wouldn't be involved and I don't regret it for a second. It IS hard though. Sometimes it's really really stupidly hard, other times it's a lot of fun.

I'm not sure about your financial situation, I'm a benefit scrounger so I don't have to worry about that, or childcare. There seems to be a lot of help though, hopefully someone else will come along who knows more.

Socially, you might turn into a dribble encrusted hermit. I did, although I'm not dribble encrusted anymore, ds is 4 now. I have lost touch with pretty much all my pre-ds friends and never go out. I find it really dificult to get babysitters and I never get invited anywhere anyway! I haven't had a date in 4 years but I'm fairly sure I wont be single forever, LOTS of single mums start new relationships.

It's not all bad though, honestly, and if you don't think you could go through with a termination you don't really have many other options.

I'm a lot of help!

whatatodo Mon 13-Oct-08 22:24:56

Ah no, thanks for your post beansmum- it's good to know how things really are. My gut feeling is saying to keep it, although most of friends, although they'll be supportive, will think i'm bonkers! I've got a bit of time to make a decision though, i'm visiting my mum this weekend anyway so I think i'll tell her then- feel terrfied, even though i'm nearly 25, and not 15, haha!

trumpetgirl Mon 13-Oct-08 22:30:59

I think you have to do what is right for you, what he wants shouldn't really affect your decision.

I had DD when I was 18 and believed that my life was over and 'scrounged' off the benefits system for a few years. Now I'm at uni and looking forward to a decent life ahead of me.
I have become a bit of a hermit, but that is mostly through choice, I don't want to go out. I get enough of a social life at uni anyway.
I hope I will still have decent job prospects and meet a nice bloke one day, despite the fact that I'm a single mother!

As far as benefits are concerned, this link may help

You really need to try and clear your head and decide what you want. Noone can decide that for you.

citylover Mon 13-Oct-08 22:34:52

I had a termination when I was 26 and just about to become a full-time student.

I would not have had it done if I had the means but at the time was about to move to halls of residence and had a basic student grant (when they existed lol). I think if I had been working and had reasonably secure accommodation I would not have done it.

The father would have been barely involved but in a way that did not enter into my decision.

As you said in your heart of hearts you want to keep it.

I am pretty sure you would get some help with childcare and possibly housing benefit. It won't be easy of course - it never is easy being a parent.

I have come to terms with my decision I think (it was a long time ago) and have since gone on to marry, divorce and have two dcs. But there is a pang as I always wanted three dcs and that is now unlikely to happen (unless I have a menopause baby).

What are your family like? Would they be supportive and do they live nearby?

Wishing you all the best.

Tryharder Mon 13-Oct-08 23:03:16

I earn just under 30k and am a single parent (DP is involved in our lives but we don't live together at the moment - lots of reasons but that's another thread...) I have my own house, good childcare....

You earn quite a good salary so you probably won't get loads of help financially but you will get some and you will qualify for help with childcare costs. Could you go part time or reduce your hours and tax credits might make up your income. Dont forget you will also get child benefit which helps.

After I've paid mortgage, petrol, bills, council tax, food, etc etc etc, i dont have much left so I have a lot of second hand things, never say no to anything free etc.

I actually think you spend less as a parent than you do as a single person. When i was single, living in London I was up to my eyeballs in debt, had loads of new clothes, ate out in restaurants, nights out, holidays with friends etc.

Now, I just stay in on a night and mn!

tessofthedurbervilles Tue 14-Oct-08 10:13:45

Hello....I am in a really similar position to you so I hope I can help you....
Am pregnant and father has been desperate to get me to terminate. At the weekend I was taken ill and we thought it was an ectopic so got all sad and protective but they put the monitor on my tum and the relief I felt was amazing. I know keeping my baby is the best thing for my mental well being however I am completely pro choice. You must do what is right and everything else will work out.
Please post on here for me if you need someone to talk to. I genuinely think I know where you are coming from and bringing a baby in to the world minus a father is not the end of the world providing you are fully prepared to give that baby everything you have to give.
At the weekend I lay on my mums sofa screaming in agony with pain and my dad and brother held my hands and I knew then that this baby had cracking male role models to look forward to meeting....take care and keep in touch xxxx

Sally4484 Tue 14-Oct-08 12:30:22

I chose to keep my DD, even though her father decided when I was four months pregnant that he 'didn't want a baby'. This came as something of a shock since she was planned.

He suggested I get a termination but I never considered it. My instincts told me that I really wanted this baby and I listened to what my instincts were saying.

Two and a half years down the line and it's still the best decision I ever made. Yes, it's been incredibly hard having a baby on my own, but it is also more rewarding than I can even begin to describe.

It's tough financially - I earn about the same as you - but it is manageable. I don't have much left over at the end of the month but I don't have to go without essentials.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure that it is what is right for you. But if you really want to keep your baby, doing so is completely fair on the child, regardless of what it's other parent wants or thinks.

Whatever your decision, best wishes.

scubagroover Tue 14-Oct-08 13:51:47

My experience is very similar to Tess above. Only YOU can make the decision and make it based on the fact the father won't be involved. That way if he is (and you want him to be) then you have extra support but you have made your decision based on being alone.

I am 21 weeks pregnant and baby's father wanted me to terminate but even though I am pro-choice realised that I couldn't do it. Baby was healthy, I have PCOS and had been told that would be hard to conceive, am 31 am a City lawyer so earn a good salary and have realised just how amazing my friends and family are in terms of support.

Good luck with it all and make the decision that is right for you. Nobody has the right to judge you no matter what you decide.

Waspie Tue 14-Oct-08 15:18:30

Hi there,

As so many others have said, I think you know if you want to have a termination. I had a termination several years ago and, at that point, I knew in my heart and in my head that I didn't want a baby then. I am still very sure that my decision was the correct one.

When I became pregnant again I was just as sure that I was going to keep the baby despite being a lone parent and knowing that I'd get no support at all from the father. Sometimes I wonder if I was selfish in my desire to keep the baby and bring him up without a father but I knew that I didn't want a termination. I just love my ds enough for two parents grin

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