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Please help...I'm worried about my dd

(45 Posts)
kara0811 Fri 10-Oct-08 21:24:04

For those of you who don't know, my ex-h left in April. He moved straight in with OW. We have 3 yr old dd and 2 yr old son. From the start, he barely saw them, and then went for 16 weeks with no contact (his choice).

Is now in hands of solicitors as he has filed for divorce. He saw them last Wed for 3 hours (first time in 16 weeks), and again today for 3 hrs. He is also seeing them tomorrow.

I have requested OW doesn't meet them until beginning of Dec to allow him to re-establish his own relationship with them, and this has been put to him by my solic. He is adament she will meet them sooner, and is threatening tomorrow. My solicitor has said no, and sent a very good letter outlining why, but I am aware that there is nothing I can do to stop him.

Today at bathtime, my dd was extremely upset, and said out of the blue 'daddy has a xxxxxx (OW name) now'. I wasn't quite sure what to make of this, so just said oh, and she said he had shown them a photo. She then told me daddy didn't love her, she didn't want to go to daddy's house, daddy had ignored her and only spoken to her brother and daddy had shouted at her and told her off.

Now, I don't know how much of this is true, and how much is her expressing her frustration and upset, but I don't know what to do. She seems so unhappy, and it breaks my heart because this whole situation is out of my control.

He left me, didn't see the kids for 16 weeks, and on their 2nd visit brings up his new girlfriend. My kids are so young, they are so confused, and I don't know how to make it better for them.

I can't speak directly to my ex as he has become the most vile person in the world, so I can't discuss it with him. He just shouts and abuses me, even in front of the children.

I'm getting desperate...

tigerlili Fri 10-Oct-08 22:06:52

Don't let him have access at this point. Shouting and abusing u infront of kids is CHILD ABUSE he NEEDS to know that. you have rights as do your children.
If u are able inform police u are afraid and they WILL act.
Your dd is expressin his/ herself listen .

sorry (((())))))))))))) i have just got out of an abusive relationship.

OW does NOT have ANY rights, as far as i am aware.

kara0811 hugs . IF pos don't be in tommoro. Let solicitors sort it.

it is bloody hard i know.


ShyBaby Fri 10-Oct-08 22:26:37

I hate this kind of thing. Daddy buggers off for months on end then pops up with a great new family when he feels like it. My ex all over. He's done that twice to ds now.

Not fair is it?

Spero Fri 10-Oct-08 23:11:39

You sound as if you are being completely reasonable. If he has a new relationship and if it is serious then of course, in time, the children will meet her.

But he is being completely insensitive to their needs in steam rollering this at the moment. I would politely stick to your guns. He needs to spend time reassuring the children he is in their lives and cares about them. The OW will just have to wait.

If he can't reassure your daughter than i think you are justified in saying contact should be at a contact centre until you are confident he can behave himself.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 10-Oct-08 23:14:49

agree with spero.


is it worth asking your X about his version of events as it were, althou tbh i'd be inclined to believe my child over my XH with most things. (pretty much all actually)

Spero Fri 10-Oct-08 23:21:21

I think all you need to be concerned about is that your daughter is really upset and he seems more concerned that they have contact with the OW than anything else. That's not good.

He may not have done anything as bad as your dd describes, but that is clearly how she is feeling at the moment and it doesn't take sherlock holmes to figure out that she is feeling very insecure about how sure she can be of daddy's love, if he can replace her mum so easily.

you sound as if you have a good solicitor; suggest he sees them regularly for the next month or two and then revisit the issue of meeting OW.

kara0811 Fri 10-Oct-08 23:33:53

I genuinely don't think he has done anything to her. He can be awful to me, but always treated the children very well. She can be quite moody (typical 3 year old madam!) so I wonder if he ignored her moods and instead spoke to my son, waiting for her to come out of it.

He just doesnt seem to get though, that it has been nearly 4 mths since he last saw them, and he needs to tread very very carefully with her. She is a sensitive little thing, and just doesn't understand. It is so hard, because he doesn't see the bigger picture, the effects of his actions. He just has the 3 hours with them, where he plies them with sweets and biscuits to get them to behave.

I will speak to my solicitor on Monday, but for now will just have to wait and see if he introduces OW tomorrow, despite being asked not to.

I just don't get why he is so insistent on her meeting them at the moment. I have said all being well, the beginning of December. Considering he has seen them for about 16 hours since he left in April, I think that's quite reasonable. I don't know if he thinks it will make things easir for him, but I think it will make it harder. My children are very shy and wary of strangers.


tigerlili Sat 11-Oct-08 09:05:37

Your x is probably wanting to come across to OW as a wonderful caring father. call me cynical? I am fully expectin my x to do that whe he finds his next door mat!


You are doin the right thing takin things gently and tryin to go through solicitorsmile

Alexa808 Sat 11-Oct-08 10:22:05

sorry to butt in but the new partner of your ex is legally allowed to be in the presence of your children if the relationship with your ex has been ongoing for more than 6 months.

however, i can understand your frustration and would be feeling exactly the same.

i don't think involving the police would make any sense. what do you inted to charge him with hmm He'll just get more hurtful towards you.

Is there a chance you can appeal to his common sense and good heart (if he has one) and make him see, that your dc just now need ALL of him...on their own.

tigerlili Sat 11-Oct-08 16:32:05

"He just shouts and abuses me, even in front of the children."

Sorry Alexa808 but that is a text book form of domestic abuse( Which is recognised as a form of child abuse now ) in the form of emotional abuse. Totally unacceptable and can be dealt with legally very effectively.A man or woman who perpetrates this has to know that behaviour is unacceptable, full stop.( (sorry not meant to be a lecture or cause any offense)blush

Anyhow, i do agree that talking if x is receptive is a better idea for everyone involved.

once i stood up to my ex and said i would call police the next time he

'shouted and abused me, in front of ds '

funnily enough his behaviour changed i kicked him out anyway a year later .He didn't and still doesn't like the fact his behaviour is unacceptable.Its all about control and he hasn't got ANY now!

kara0811 Sat 11-Oct-08 20:37:13

Thanks for all your comments.

Alexa, the legalities of it all don't really mean much as solicitors are already involved. My ex didn't see the children for 4 months, that is why I feel it's too early for the ow to be introduced. My kids are 3 and 2 and have no idea what is going on.

As it is, he did introduce her to them today. They are even more confused, told me she is daddy's sister. I have absolutely no idea what to do. My son also came back having wet himself, totally saturated, and ex didn't change him, despite having clean things from me. Grrrrrr....

macdoodle Sat 11-Oct-08 21:06:37

I dont get these pathetic OW at all - why on earth would they want to meet these poor kids why not let them re establish their realtionship with their dad first - oh sorry I forgot they have no morals anyway and are obviosuly selfish immature bints anyway angry
Sorry touched a nerve you sound a lovely mum hope the kids are ok and am sure they will be as long as they have you

kara0811 Sat 11-Oct-08 21:10:25

Ha ha macdoodle, couldn't have put it better myself!!

Not content with breaking up a marriage, she feels she has the right to push her way into 2 already very confused toddlers' lives.

Her and my ex are welcome to live in the land of no morals together!!

Spero Sat 11-Oct-08 21:35:47

I don't understand Alexa808's comment. There is no 'law' about when your ex's partner can or can't be in contact with your children. There are no time limits.

Contact ordered on the basis that the chldren's best interests are paramount and they court is guided by section 1 of the Children Act 1989. It is about what is best for the children NOT because the father wants to insist on x, y or z.

Parents are expected to use common sense and sensitivity. I've often had judges saying that the OW can't be present because it is causing so much emotional distress to the mother that it is upsetting the children. Obviously, this can't go on for ever and if the OW is a real and serious presence in father's life, of course the children must meet her.

tigerlili Sat 11-Oct-08 21:36:55

Hmm, just make a record of events and give to your solicitor.

OW seems to be a heartless bint. As a woman /human being you WOULD NOT LET A CHILD WHO HAS WET THEMSELVES STAY IN SAID CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!! word can't describe what i think of ur x !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Especially as there was a change of clothes available.shock angry
Kara0811 you are amasin respect, i wouldn't be so calm,oooooooooodles of hugz to you ALL!!!!!!!

tigerlili Sat 11-Oct-08 21:40:21

Parents are expected to use common sense and sensitivity.

HMMM your x failed dismally too interested in his own needs !!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a SHOCK he's a man!!!!!!

Ahem i do know not all men r like that !!!!!!

controlfreakyagain Sat 11-Oct-08 21:44:05

is there any court order in place re contact? if not you dont have to agree to anything that you dont consider is in the childrens interests....

before i saw what he had done today (against your wishes and views) i was about to post that i would text him saying that unless he agrees that ow will not be present during contact children will not be avalable for contact today..... and wont be available until he promises not to abuse you in front of them....let him see solicitor / go to court if he doesnt agree.....

your children need you to stand up to his bullying behaviour. good luck.

Spero Sat 11-Oct-08 21:46:51

well this is why family law is so depressing. judges are surprised and disappointed that people going thru the most emotionally painful experiences of their lives can't take the moral high ground.

Carry on with what you are doing. At this stage he has no legal right to demand that anyone else attends contact. If his children are upset he should be focusing on them and not introducing anyone else until they are calm and settled.

tigerlili Sat 11-Oct-08 21:56:40

"your children need you to stand up to his bullying behaviour. good luck. "

AMEN to that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The law won't be on his side !!!!
hmm add neglect ( not meeting basic needs of child eg changing child when wet) with domestic abuse behaviour !Ur solicitor will translate it into Legal speak!

GO girl !!!!!!!!!!! U have the control and power to both stand up for and protect your children!!!!!!!!!


But, if he is willing to work with you and put his kids needs 1st that is also very valuable.

kara0811 Sat 11-Oct-08 22:14:07

Thank you all soooo much!!! Your comments have made me feel so much better. At times, I start doubting mysefl, feeling like I am being the unreasonable one.

I am going to phone my solicitor first thing on Monday. She had her suspicions that he was going to introduce them to her today, despite my requests and a very lengthy letter to him detailing WHY (ie. he needs to establish his OWN relationship with kids first) but said there was nothing we could actually DO.

I don't want to stop contact, or stop my children from seeing their dad, but I also don't want them being confused and upset by meeting his girlfriend on their 3rd visit with him after his 4 month 'break'.

I just do not know what to do, I smile and remain calm when I see him, but he knows he is getting to me. And that's what's so pathetic...he left ME, he had an affair, so why is he so angry at me and wanting to hurt me????? Shouldn't it be the other way round???!!!

kara0811 Sat 11-Oct-08 22:15:51

By the way, CFA, no there's no court order in place. I tried to arrange things between the 2 of us, but he didn't want to know. Then I tried to arrange mediation twice (once independently once through my solic) and he refused to attend. So now everything's being negotiated through solicitors.

solo Sat 11-Oct-08 22:25:51

Perhaps he is thinking that the sooner OW is in the Dc's lives, the sooner he'll be able to have the Dc's over night? get them used to her sooner rather than later? just a thought.

Spero Sat 11-Oct-08 22:27:21

Sorry to hear he has refused mediation. He does sound like a nob, probably (hopefully) feels guilty at his behaviour and that often seems to translate into behaving like a twat towards the person he feels guilty about.

Stick to your guns. If he carries on being a nob, he will have to take decision to take it to court, where he will look like a bigger nob. But i really hope it doesn't come to that. Is OW encouraging him to do this, do you think, to make her feel more important??

kara0811 Sat 11-Oct-08 22:35:34

I really don't know. She is 28, no kids, so I just don't know what the motive is.

I'm not sure about the overnights, solo. Neither of my dcs has ever stayed away from me overnight (and I mean ever - I came from hosp 3 hours after my son was born, so I was there in the morning when my daugher woke up!) and my ex is aware of this, and (in one of his civil moments!) said that he would take things slowly for that reason.

That seemed very reasonable, so I just don't know what is causing this. I am perfectly (well, sort of!) happy for her to be involved in a couple of months time. I just feel that he hasn't seen the effects of his leaving and absence on the kids, and they really need to have some quality daddy time for a few weeks....

controlfreakyagain Sat 11-Oct-08 22:35:53

why didnt he see them for 4 months???

unless he had a v good reason, beyond his control, that was a v bad decision and not a child centred one...

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