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New relationship causing me pain

(12 Posts)
dragonstitcher Wed 08-Oct-08 11:52:56

I been seeing someone for 2 months. I only left xh 4 months ago so I know that its way too soon. I wasn't looking for a new relationship but he's someone that I've known for years who says he has liked me for a long time.

It started off as a casual relationship because I didn't feel ready but over the last couple of months I've fallen hard for him. He did say early on that 'he hasn't felt this way about someone for a long time and didn't expect to again'. I've had a lot of trust issues and put him through the wringer a few times, but he has seemed to be patient. We confided in each other that we were falling for each other and 'were in trouble'.

In the past couple of weeks, I've sensed that I'm getting on his nerves a bit. Everytime I don't hear from him I get paranoid and question him. I'm scared that I'm pushing him away. I think he thinks that I just have an infatution with him. I'm worried that he is just using me. The physical side is fantastic and both of us have never known anyone better, but the emotional side is like a bombsite. I'm scared to open up to him and ask him how he really feels. He avoids discussing his own feelings for me and jokes all the time about almost saying the 'L' word but not being able to and messes around and torments to avoid them.

If I try to talk to him it all comes out wrong and I sound desparate or untrusting. He asks if he is sending the wrong messages. To be honest I'm not at all sure what messages he is trying to send. The message I'm getting is that he cares for me but justs wants to have fun and his own space.

I had a text from him yesterday afternoon congratulating me on passing my driving theory test, but then nothing all evening. I sent him a text which he appeared to ignore. He probably has a valid reason but I'm going crazy not knowing.

I know this relationship is really unhealthy for me. I'm a mess and my 13yo daughter is picking up on my instability and I'm sure its affecting her. She is clingy and doesn't want to go to school (which is due to other reasons but I'm sure this isn't helping).

I was sure that I wasn't on the rebound because when I left my moody controlling husband I was very glad to be free and single and didn't want another relationship. I certainly didn't love him or miss him and wasn't looking for a replacement.

He is lovely. He is clever, kind, caring, considerate, generous, great company and a real softy. He is happy with himself and his life and his job. I'm really happy when I'm with him or chatting with him on msn but in pain when I'm not and don't know when I will see or hear from him again. Everytime I hint at how I feel about him, he tries to tell me that he isn't as great as I think he is. That's how great he is! lol

I'm an emotional mess. I'm not ready for this, I know I'm not and I know that I should end it for my sanity and for my kids. But I'm scared to lose him cos he's the best man I've ever known and I might never find another like him.

Witchybella Wed 08-Oct-08 12:20:13

I think and I think you know that you need time on your own, so that you can clear what issues you had from previous relationship. And the time on your own will give you a chance to decide what you really want. And you will find some-one else, its natural to think you wont be you will.

Sorry to hear your daughter doesnt want to go to school and is clingy,my DS2 was like this after me and his father split up.

Tinkerbel6 Wed 08-Oct-08 12:38:26

dragonstickers its way too soon for you to be dating, fair enough if you were both just treating it as casual but you have fallen for him but it don't seem he feels the same way. I think he is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear, its only been 8 weeks so very early on in the relationship to be say the L word, I think you need to take a step back and try and not get paranoid if he don't text you, i'm not a great texter either and can often go days without communicating with someone I am involved with.

dragonstitcher Wed 08-Oct-08 13:58:55

I just found a text from first thing this morning saying that he had to put his phone on charge at work this morning and thanking me for my text.

Doesn't change the fact that I'm a blubbering idiot though.

tessofthedurbervilles Wed 08-Oct-08 14:41:35

Are you sure emotionally you are in a position to know he is the best man and there will be no other like him?
Our emotional condition has an effect on the type of person you meet / are attracted to. As he is the opposite to the ex then he will seem so much better an option, but that doesn't make it the best.
Could you take a break from him? How would he react to that? Space would give you both a chance to assess your feelings.
Remember that you have gone from 'only wanting a casual thing' to wanting more which has changed things in the relationship his mind what might that make him think? Scared? Reassured? xx

glitterfairy Wed 08-Oct-08 14:56:57

Take a long breath and a step back. You have said yourself that is what you think is best.

I have found even after three years that I cannot commit to anyone but we are all different and some people move on sooner than others which is fine. There is no right or wrong just how you feel and you are clearly saying you think this is not the way for you at the moment.

Whatever you feel your head is telling you something and sometimes when we have been in long term relationships with people who are controlling we get used to ignoring our thoughts. Listen to yourself and read back what you have written and the answer is there. Best of luck. smile

unavailable Wed 08-Oct-08 15:09:36

He sounds like a nice man who really likes you but is a bit overwhelmed by your neediness. You need to get used to a life without your ex h rather than just looking to replace him with a new man.

Give your new relationship time to develop slowly. At this stage it should be light and fun. Dont smother it.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 08-Oct-08 15:26:48

tbh I think you should step back form each other, and perhaps see how things develop over say a year, just being friends - will give you a chance to heal and also see if there is something real there.

for you - possibly get some other outside focuses?

MascaraOHara Wed 08-Oct-08 15:29:23

oh god.. something similar happened to me. I made a completel cunt of myself.. and ruined what could have been something really great. No adivce.. justdon't turn into a compltel fruit loop like I di grin

Dropdeadfred Wed 08-Oct-08 15:31:42

go back to being friends if you an for a while...if not then just cool it for a couple of months til your head is straight

allgonebellyup Wed 08-Oct-08 20:00:54

dragon - my ex and i split 18months ago, and only now am i dating - and trying to take it very slowly.

i needed a good while to sort my head out and just be happy with my own life before i could even consider having a man in my head.
My ex moved in with another woman 8wks after our split, he got her pregnant and she kept the baby, and he is miserable as hell.

ive just started to see someone, and he is pushing for more, but i am keeping him at arm's length at the moment.

Please give yourself some time out!!!!!!

tigerlili Wed 08-Oct-08 21:55:00

when my ex left( or i showed him door after he said he was considerin havin an affair with a work colleag) in jan.

I felt so bad i rebounded onto an inappropriate man. MY Fault. Anyway i only realise 10 months down the line, that i was NOT ready to date back then, not sure i am now. But everybody's different.

My ds has good and bad days bless her. My ds is 10 so puberty on top of ur parents splittin has been hard for her.
My goal is to get both of us through this year in one emotional peice! tho in the back of my head i am thinkin jeese gettin older eeeek and on own double eeeeeeeek!

It is HARD , i am scared stoopid i will be on my own forever now!!!!!
HUGS !!!!!!!

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