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(13 Posts)
kornkat Sun 05-Oct-08 19:31:42

Hi,new here and just looking for sum advice.Long story but i will try keep it short.I split up with my ex husband last october.I have 2 ds from previous marriage and 1 ds from this marriage.He is nearly 3.It has been a very difficult year sorting out contact for ds with my exh.I had a solicitor who advised as he hadnt a car seat for his car it would be best to see ds at a contact centre.This started January.Didnt speak to my exh at all.Finally in June he got a car seat.We started talking and seemed were getting on well.As we were sorting contact through soliitor we both decided we wud try on a reconciliation.My exh wanted to stop divorce to see if things wud work out between us but decree nisi had already gone through.Unfortunately wile trying a reconciliation he was still seeing a girlfriend he had met after we had split.He wud stay at mine then go back to her.He said he couldnt decide between us.In the end it was too much and it broke my heart.I cudnt carry on like that and it was confusing for ds.I think he wanted both of us.He started picking ds up for contact from my house on alt sundays.This happened one sunday wen he then said he would get an injunction if i went to his house and his girlfriend wud beat me up if i told her.My advice from solicitor was to go back to contact centre.I have been tryin organize access with him and put the past behind me but he will not agree to anything.I have been to mediation on my own.He will not attend and says if i dont agree to wot he wants he will walk away from ds.I have tried txing him to try arrange access as he has now stopped going to contact centre.He is just abusive to me.He wants meet up then makes excuse.I txd him this weekend as ds was missing him and wanted him to phone him.He didnt ring or txt.I just wanna sort contact for ds but cannot talk or reason wth my ex at all.He says he wants c him but im confused y he wont talk or agree.Any advice wud b gud .

Spero Sun 05-Oct-08 21:28:21

Sorry to hear this. I am afraid I don't think there is really much else you can do, other than what you have already tried.

Did you object to him coming to your house? If you don't mind him coming there, suggest he comes to collect ds and then drop him off, doesn't sound like you should go anywhere near his home after those threats.

There isn't any court order you can get to make him have contact. There is no way you can make him reasonable if he isn't.

I'd suggest you try one more time to set up contact and/or mediation, if he doesn't respond then it really is his loss. Maybe he just needs time to calm down/grow up. Are there any mutual friends/family members who might be able to help, perhaps to bring ds to and from you both?

At nearly 3 your ds is probably still young enough not to understand what is going on, which may be a comfort.

Good luck

kornkat Sun 05-Oct-08 22:30:20

thanx spero for your advice.I dont object to him coming to my house i think it really is the only option now.Its just he wont agree times with me.If i dont agree with wot he wants he says he will just walk away and not see ds and he says it will be my fault.

Tinkerbel6 Mon 06-Oct-08 10:10:44

Do you really want this man in your house who has threaten violence against you ? I think you have done all you can go now, if he doesn't want to see your child then leave it and let him explain to him when he is older the reason he didn't, the more you push people the more they turn the other way, if you back off a bit and let this man calm down and think about what he is missing then he might start playing ball.

kornkat Mon 06-Oct-08 10:50:37

hi tinkerbel6.Thank for your advice.Its hard i just want my son to see his father.Another factor is that he said his new girlfriend wud punch me in the face if she found out he had been back with me briefly.I do not know this girl and this worries me a little.It may just be his words but if shes gonna be around my son i wonder wot she really is like as a person.

GypsyMoth Mon 06-Oct-08 11:08:50

did the girlfriend threaten that? or was it from your ex's mouth only? maybe a ploy from him to keep you away from new girlfriend so she doesn't find out he'd been with you? i mean,have you actually seen or heard her,had contact with her at all?

kornkat Mon 06-Oct-08 11:15:39

hi brie5,no it woz from his mouth.I think it woz just so she didnt find out.Hd no contac with her wotsoeva.He also changed his home phone number so i cudnt ring.

VinegarTits Mon 06-Oct-08 11:17:18

My advice would be to email/write to him suggesting a compromise with times for access, if he cant agree and wont attend mediation, then you have done all you can, but at least you will have evidence you have tried, if he stills wants to walk away from your ds then tell him, so be it, it is his loss. sounds like he is using this as a threat to blackmail you into getting what he wants, dont give in to him.

kornkat Mon 06-Oct-08 11:19:53

Hi vinegartits,yes he always wants his own way and says if i dont agree to wot he wants ds wont see him.Its emotional blackmail i no but im trying to do wots best for ds and it is very painful cos he has really hurt me.

VinegarTits Mon 06-Oct-08 11:31:19

Ok, so you know he is saying this to blackmail you emotionally, if you can see this then its time to put a stop to it, keep any evidence of him saying these things(text messages), and next time he says it, tell him, ok, thats your choice. You know it is not your fault and you tried your best so dont let him tell you otherwise. Do not text him and tell him your ds is missing him, he is playing games with you by not replying, have no contact with him unless he contacts you to arrange to see ds, he is trying to control you, and you are letting him, its time to stop, the only way you will achive this is to have no contact and do not give into his bullying/blackmail techniques.

kornkat Mon 06-Oct-08 12:00:33

vinegartits uve hit the nail on the head i think.He has txd this morning after ignoring my tx all wkd.Obviously too busy at wkd.Hes asked 2 c him.

kornkat Mon 06-Oct-08 12:01:38

I do keep all texts from him including abusive ones.

kornkat Tue 07-Oct-08 20:03:48

Well have agreed contact with hours he wants just to be verbally abused by txt once again.Says hes busy and cant c ds til 9th november.He hasnt seen him for nearly 2 months.Im beginning to wonder if he wants to c ds at all.

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