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any ideas for contact and when is enough, ENOUGH?

(12 Posts)
merlin1 Sat 04-Oct-08 18:17:45

Hi, long story but basically I don't when you are meant to draw the line and say enough is enough. Ex.partner is very angry and bitter and our children rarely want to see him, but they do [as I make them go, thinking Im doing the right thing] fortnightly. Recently he went to the police saying I was abusing our children amongst other things that were not true. Social services phoned me up and I told them the long story. Then they phoned my ex who told them I was good mum and he actually had no worries about me. That was that and social services dropped it as well as telling my ex that contact shouldn't happen that weekend after all the upset and stress he had caused.

A week later, I had a threatening text and call from my ex saying if I didnt listen to him on the phone he would destroy my career and me by using the police and social services against me. half an hour later the police came round after a call he made saying i was harming the children. I was not, they were asleep and I explained the situation again to the police. He has now had a harrassment warning from the police.

I have no friends or family around me to help [as he has threatened all my family, I dont want them to go near him]. Just wondered if anyone had any other ideas of how he can see the children, without me seeing him? He's meant to be having them next weeekend but I don't think I can bear to see him after all he has done.

any ideas would be greatly appreciated-what would you do?

ninah Sat 04-Oct-08 20:16:19

do they have a contact centre locally? place where supervised contact can be arranged for dc. You could find out details from social services or your gp practice maybe?

Yurtgirl Sat 04-Oct-08 20:21:07

Gosh merlin thats a hard situation to be in - Personally I would say enough is enough NOW, he is causing you grief, if he cant behave himself then you and the kids would be better off without him imo

There are heaps of people somewhere on MN who have their own personal story to tell who I am sure can offer some really good advice - I cant really but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you

There must be some sort of support network/website for parents with Xs who behave like this surely???

MascaraOHara Sat 04-Oct-08 20:26:14

You have a number of options but it depends on your ciscumstances.. whther you were married, whether he has PR etc.

I had a lot of legal advice at one time around what sounds like similar circumstances, although he was just violan, abusive and thretening never got SS involved etc but did get cautioned for harrassment? it has a special term but don't know what it was basically meant if he did it again he could be charged.

My legal advice was as he didn't have PR to stop contact and let him take legal action. I did he didn't.. not long after he disappeared after hospitalising his then pregnant girlfriend.

The solicitor said I could've got an injunction but if I could tolerate it, it was more harmful to him to let him continue and just call the police all the time.. he was nailing his own coffin quite well iykwim.

It's a horrible situation when you have nobody to support you. I know how stressed I felt with all the 'what ifs..' what if he ruins my career, what if he convinces people I'm not a fit mother, what if he aabducts her, what if he really does torch my house etc

Feel for you. It's horrible. My advice is to ignore it all as much as poss, let it wash over you.. make you sure the police have a record of everything.

beanieb Sat 04-Oct-08 20:32:55

I think if he continues to harrass you and you continue t make the police aware you will soon have grounds to draw the line. Do you want to stop the kids from ever seeing him? From what you say they are not always happy to see him .. perhaps rather than make them you should tell him they do not want to come.

How old are your children? If they are older children and they don't want contact I think they do have a voice.

beanieb Sat 04-Oct-08 20:35:12

Yes - what MascaraoHara says. If you can bear it it will all add extra evidence or reason to completely draw the line. Good luck. If you feel in dager make sure the police know.

merlin1 Sat 04-Oct-08 21:07:44

mascaraohara, that sounds awful-poor you and thanks for your advice. i asked social services if we could do the contact centre thing...they said that was only for children in care. they weren't much help at all really, just telling me that it is in the interestes of the children to keep a relationship with their dad despite what he does to me-even though the stress has definately had a knock on effect with the children. my solicitor said that when/if it gets to court it will be better if i continue to let contact happen-so i do and have done for ages. i feel really trapped. my children are both under seven, we were never married and he has PR for my youngest.

LittleBella Sat 04-Oct-08 21:18:28

Hmm, this man sounds dangerous tbh. I wouldn't want him to have sole contact as he hates you more than he loves them. I don't wnat to worry you, but when you hear about those cases of men who kill their children, it's always control freaks like this. I would try and get contact happening at a contact centre - he's shown very clearly that he has no interest in the welfare of his children and he desperately wants to punish you. Take this seriously.

MascaraOHara Sat 04-Oct-08 21:18:56

keep a diary, record everything. get your phone mionitored and get a particular pc you can speak to everytime you want to log an incident.

Also make sure you are happy with your solicitor. I saw 3 before I settled on one. I opted for family law specialists.. I was lucky as they were all under the impression no court in the land would give him unsupervised access.

If your children are old enough and it goes to court their feelings will be taken into consideration.

I think in a lot of cases court is the best thing, then everyone knows where they stand and what is expected of them. Let him take you to court though.. don't waste your money if you don't have to.

MascaraOHara Sat 04-Oct-08 21:20:10

sorry to also add.. contact centres in my area aren't just avilable to children in care but I don't know if that varies area to area.. like I said.. make sure you feel you can trust you rsolidotr and are happy with the advice you are getting..

good luck

LittleBella Sat 04-Oct-08 21:20:43

It's not true that contact centres are only for children in care. Are the SW's aware of just how hostile he is to you?

ilovemydog Sat 04-Oct-08 21:29:39

I would call social services who investigated and say that your ex has continued to cause disruption and that you want supervised access.

A contact center can arrange for you to drop off the kids so you won't have to see your ex.

But what do the kids think about seeing their dad?

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