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Better to leave my exWife and our children to their own devices?

(117 Posts)
exDH Tue 30-Sep-08 01:13:06

Any single mums able to comment?

What I mean is I'd rather get away from my xwife than see my kids (sometimes)- the only way to get away from her is to not see them....

They are 6 and 7 - I guess she'd be within her rights to stop me seeing them when I come back ?

PurpleOne Tue 30-Sep-08 01:17:49

You'd give up on your flesh and blood?
Let her deal with all the shit?
It's people like you that give us crap thats hard to deal with.
If thats your attitude, I won't be surpised she'll stop you.

Your kids are old enough to know whats going on anyway. They aren't stupid.

Single mums comment on this?....prepare for the wrath... grin

FAQ Tue 30-Sep-08 01:24:42

ooooooo - I'm a single mum........

If my ex buggered off and didn't see them because he didn't want to see me.....well ermm, I'm trying to put this nicely......damn it I can' keeps coming out as a string of expletives......

arfishy Tue 30-Sep-08 01:28:31

I'm not going to flame you because I don't know your story. I do have experience of frightening ex-wives though.

Surely if you're just picking them up or she's just dropping them off, then you'll only see her for about a minute?

It must be worth putting up with her for a minute to see your children?

I don't think it is in her rights to prevent you seeing your children but if you continually mess around with your visitation then a judge won't be too impressed, and nor will your children or ex-wife (and ex-wives aren't very pleasant if you've upset the children).

Do you actually want to see your children?

FAQ Tue 30-Sep-08 01:32:17

I didn't want to see my ex (still don't) - but I put up with it for the few minutes it takes for him to pick them up and drop them off.

Although I do know what arfishy is saying about frightening ex-wifes - I know someone who's marriage ended after his wife smashed a picture over his head!

anorak Tue 30-Sep-08 01:40:00

All adults have to do things they don't want to do sometimes. You are a father. The primary factor here should be what is best for your children, not how much you feel like doing things, and not your wife's grievances.

Grow up and be a father, you're the only father your children have and you are going to regret it later if you let them down.

nappyaddict Tue 30-Sep-08 01:50:35

if you mean you just want to get away to go on a holiday no problem. but if you mean you want to get away and not see them long term YABU. your kids need you. it is not their fault their parents can't get along. they didn't ask to be born.

exDH Tue 30-Sep-08 01:50:53

true, thanks for that guys. You're right, what the fuck am I talking about

I'm talking about sleepwalking through life!
Completely unable to function normally because I can't get over my marriage!

I love being wit hmy boys but I need to move on !

It feels like I can't take the pain any longer - I was willing to do anything to keep the family together and my wife just walked away.

nappyaddict Tue 30-Sep-08 02:09:40

Say your ex wife had walked out on you but left the kids with you. you would still feel unable to function and not be able to get over your marriage but you would just have to carry on for your children. they would need caring for and lookin after. just because your children don't live with you it doesn't mean you can just shut yourself off from them.

solidgoldbrass Tue 30-Sep-08 02:13:07

You've got to separate how you feel about your exwife and the failed couple-relationship from how you feel about your DC and her as your co-parent. It might help you to get some counselling for your own sadness over the end of the marriage, because you can't put it on your DC.

If your XW is abusive towards you then it's not unreasonable to arrange for someone else (a grandparent perhaps) to deal with the handovers, but if the problem is your sadness over the end of the relationship then it's something you have to sort out.

arfishy Tue 30-Sep-08 02:16:42

You can't just abandon your children because your marriage has broken up.

Aren't your children the best thing to come out of it? You can move on and if you are spending time enjoying your children you will.

In fact, by concentrating on what's good for them, and how you can help THEM get over the split you will take your mind off your own feelings.

Certainly, if your ex-wife has the children all the time she will be too busy dealing with day to day things like feeding/clothing/school/work/bills to wallow a great deal.

This isn't saying that you aren't hurt or upset by the break up, just don't abandon your children because you want to move on. Children will be your children for ever.

Do you want to be in a bedsit on your own at 60 on Christmas day and wondering why they don't send you a card or call?

slim22 Tue 30-Sep-08 02:37:55


slim22 Tue 30-Sep-08 02:40:05

Sorry, can't get my head round this one.

SHE walked away?

I thought you wanted to walk out but could not bear loosing your kids?

akhems Tue 30-Sep-08 04:41:42

fwiw.. my ex husband refused to see our children when our marriage ended because he didn't want "to be an unpaid babysitter" they were 4 and 6 years old at the time. He never paid a penny in maintenance, never sent them even a birthday or christmas card.. nothing!

Fast forward 12 years and he turned up last year expecting to be welcomed by them with open arms.. when they were naturally wary, he slagged them off and praised his stepsons who are exactly the same ages as my two, messed with their heads and fucked off. My son tried to kill himself after that because he couldn't understand why his father found it easy to love someone else's sons but not his own. He was desperately hurt and now a year on I'm still trying to deal with the fall out and convince my son that he's a worthwhile, decent, lovely person.

If you decide not to see your children, then make sure you never ever see them again, don't think you can walk back into their lives at some future point and everything be hunky dory because it won't.

slim22 Tue 30-Sep-08 04:51:22

akhems, that's awful.

Buda Tue 30-Sep-08 06:56:04

Oh akhems - that is so horrible. Your poor DSs.

to OP - i remember years ago watching a tv program about dads that lost contact with their children after relationship breakdown. In every single case the child (now grown up) did not accept or understand why.

You are an adult. You need to be able to step back from the anger and hurt FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR BOYS. Not for your sake - although obv you will benefit. Not for your ex's sake. But for your boys. They need you and a consistent calm relationship with - now more than ever.

Some counselling may be a good idea to help you deal with the hurt and anger. But even if you don't do that please, please, please be the 'bigger' person here and damp down on the resentment when with your boys. They don't need it.

No one would blame you for being angry and hurt but showing it in front of your boys is not fair. You may feel that it is letting your wife off scot free but really it is being the better person and putting your boys first.

You can do it. Feel free to come here and vent away instead.

tribpot Tue 30-Sep-08 07:41:51

You need to move on from your marriage, true. But there is no moving on from your family, whatever you may think. If you abandon your children you hurt them for life.

I can understand that seeing your exwife, albeit briefly, is hurting you and making it harder for you to deal with the hurt and the sense of powerlessness in that she walked away. But frankly, why should you transfer that hurt to your children to make life easier for you?

Counselling sounds like a good idea. You need to find a way to deal with this painful situation that's better than what akhems' poor children have been put through

hecate Tue 30-Sep-08 07:52:12

Seperate your exwife and your children.

You have no right to cut them off because your relationship has ended. They are your CHILDREN. They are not your exwife. Your problems with her, and the pain you feel, is no excuse to walk away from your flesh and blood. You are being totally selfish. All you can see is how you feel. I'm sorry that you are hurting, I really am, but fucking grow up! People get hurt, relationships end, you owe your kids more than to walk away from them because you can't see past your own needs. You walk away from them, you fuck them up for life. You reject them. That is the kind of pain that never leaves a child. If you walk away from them because it's easier for you, you are a shitbag.

zookeeper Tue 30-Sep-08 08:03:50

Stupid selfish man. Sorry but this attitude really grates. We all hurt when a relationship breaks down but don't abandon our kids if we can help it.

You need to look at why your ex hates you so much and put your dcs first. It's not all about you .

Stop feeing so sorry for yourself and get a grip

1066andallthat Tue 30-Sep-08 08:08:03

God - akhems - I fear that might happen here, how are your DSs doing?

OK, exDH, let me tell you my experience: my exP has not had any contact with our two DSs for just over two months. They are not devastated because I am here but you can see the impact. DS2 is barely verbal but lists people who are not here and that list always includes Daddy and all imaginary telephone calls from him are to Daddy. We are all living on a shoestring because exP refuses to contribute. Why? Well, I think exP does love our sons but hates me more because I ended the relationship. He won't accept his responsibility for that or them and how sad is that?

Will I leave the door open - actually, yes. Did you see the article on Australian mediation? Basically, think what your children would ask for and try and provide it. OK - DS1 would like me to marry his Dad grin but you know what I mean. Saying that, give them a few years and what they want will change if exP hasn't bothered with them.

So, come on, be a parent. If you can't face your ex-, well, make a new handover arrangement until you can. And, get out there and enjoy your children.

FioFio Tue 30-Sep-08 08:18:35

Message withdrawn

Tortington Tue 30-Sep-08 08:23:19

must be hard for you exdh, keep on truckin' and see your babies, they love you

lostdad Tue 30-Sep-08 08:31:52

exDH - your children have a right to a mother and a father. Fathers like me fight for their children's rights to be allowed to be a parent (my ex left me without warning, took my son, accused me of DV and child abuse, had the police called on me for trying to take him for a walk and then capped it all by moving 100s of miles away with a man I have never met and don't know the name of).

It is your job to be their father.

But - is there any reason why you cannot split childcare between you and you ex? The days of `Mum gets the kids' are long past (or at least they should be and some of us are fighting against this) and as a fully involved parent you would be a very good role model to them: Be the kind of Dad to your kids that you would have wanted as a child.

If you don't know where to start - join Families Need Fathers or at least give them a call. You can google them easily enough. They will give you lots of help on how it is possible to be a seperated, but none the less good parent. Your children and ex are not a package - any more than you and your children are.

mashedup Tue 30-Sep-08 09:08:03

Exh. Parenting should be about two parents taking an equal share of parenting, shouldn't it.
As the years go by, your DCs will get older and be able to come to visit you. If you hate your ex so much, and aren't prepared to put up with it for the sake of you're kids, it's a shame because you will miss out on a lot.
Hang in there, it won't be forever.
I agree with lostdad - a child deserves two good parents who want the best for them.

goingnowhere Tue 30-Sep-08 09:16:26

oh I feel for you exdh......getting over a relationship when you want it to continue is hard.

I read it as you needed to stop seeing your kids while you got over the marriage breakup??

In the mean time - is there a neutral party who could collect/ drop off the kids for you so you can still see them and not see your ex? Communicate via email as well - its tough and takes time but you will get there and don't give up on your kids.

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