I know there isn't really much I can do about this as it's up to ex H what he does when he has the boys, but I'm a bit annoyed

[Pinkchampagne]

DS1 didn't go to school yesterday as he was unwell. (weak, headaches, dizzy & generally under the weather) Ex H hadn't seen them since Sunday due to his work shift, so agreed to pick them up on his way home from work at 7pm. I told him DS1 wasn't right & that I had just given him some medicine, and he said that he had some medicine at his house & was ok to take him.

Later that evening I was wondering how DS was, so sent a text asking if he was ok, which he didn't reply to, so an hour later I thought I would give him a quick ring just to check DS was alright. He answered the phone & I heard loads of noise, then ex H said he was fine & I could talk to him if I wanted. It was gone 10, so I said "You still have them up?!"
Turns out ex H had taken them straight round his friends where he was drinking whiskey (could hear he was quite drunk), and the boys were left to run wild with his friends children. Because I had checked he was ok, he started shouting "come on boys, shoes on, mummy wants you home", and I could hear his friend laughing.

I was not being precious - I had sent DS1 off poorly & wanted to check how he was, that's all. I didn't expect him to be still up while his dad got drunk!

I can't really do anything here can I? I guess it is up to him how he spends his time with the boys, and I know I am lucky that he sees them as often as he does, but I feel he wasn't very responsible last night & am a little angry.

[Pinkchampagne]

He does this often when he has the boys, but it is the fact DS1 wasn't well & he didn't give any thought to that that's got me annoyed.

[mypandasgotcrabs]

No advice for you, just know exactly how you feel. XP does similar with my boys, basically they spend the majority of their weekend with him at the pub or plonked in front of the tv watching films or playing video games. He has mates round all night drinking (he lives in a studio flat, so boys ca't sleep as they are in the same room), or he takes them out late to mates houses.

I don't like it, don't feel it's a suitable way for them to spend a weekend, but feel that if I say anything to xp he'll strop & like you, I am lucky that he has them so often, and 1. don't want the boys to miss out on the time they do spend witht their dad even if it isn't suitable imo, and 2. from a purely selfish pov, I wouldn't get any time off, and I really do value those weekends when I can get out without having to pay for a babysitter/days when I can get bits done around hte house without interruption.

He's also done similar when one or other of them has been ill, hasn't let the fact that they're ill stop his plans.

[glitterball]

i dont have any advice but just wanted to say i totally understand & sympathise as am in a similar situation - ds1&2 spend fri night - sun pm each week with my ex - he gives little or no thought to their diet (they pretty much exist on takeaways - i know this is the case cos it was exactly like that whenever i went away overnight when we were still together ), they spend all their time on the internet/ Xbox (except for football training) & are kept up til all hours. he doesnt make them do their homework, they never read a book, go anywhere (other than to football) or have a conversation. he was exactly like that when we were together i should add which is at least part of the reason we're not now.

Its so difficult because as you say you appreciate the fact he wants to see them & spend time with them as there are a lot of dads who bugger off never to be seen again or just do the odd hour here & there, but I do end up feeling - like you - that he isnt very responsible with them. i know he loves them but i do wish i had more say in what they did every weekend, especially as i barely see them in the week anyway as i work full time

[Pinkchampagne]

Bloody men! It's not the first time my ex has done this when one of mine has been ill either. Last time it happened, I had taken DS to the emergency doctor because he was so poorly at the weekend, that he could barely lift his head from the pillow. His dad picked him up from the doctors & took him, and when I checked on him later, they were round there while ex H got drunk, as DS had made a miracle recovery!

I am worried that if I say anything, he will snap & say he won't take the boys, which would upset them. They love going to daddy's.

[Pinkchampagne]

Mine never do any homework or reading of their reading books while with ex H either. He takes them out, but usually to Woolworths or somewhere similar, where he will buy them pretty much what they want. They don't get this with me, but have come to expect it.

[mypandasgotcrabs]

Oh yes, one time ds2 was really quite ill with chicken pox. xp said he'd have them as usual, ds2 had been sick a lot, and one spot behind his ear looked like it was becoming infected, had talen him to pharmacist about it, they'd said to keep an eye on it. Told all htis to xp, picked the boys up on the sunday (he'd had them from fri eve), ds2 was all floppy, barely awake, still vomiting, and virtually every spot on his body (and he was covered) was oozing green gunk.

[FAQ]

oh how frustrating for you - if it wasn't for the fact that your DS was unwell I'd say live and let live.

My ex lets them stay up late, play video games all day, feeds them takeaways and junk food and basically lets them get away with all sorts when he has then. They love it thought and come back grinning from ear to ear, and know that rules here are different from at daddy's.

However, I would say something to him if he'd kept one of them up late when they were unwell.

There's a been a few things that I've had concerns about when exH has had them, and to start with I (like you) was terrified to say anything incase he decided he wasn't going to have them anymore.

However, I do now speak to him if there's something I feel is not good for them. (fast food, too many video games and late nights I can live with - they're not going to do them any significant harm - however 16+ rated video games, DS2 feeling left out, and if he was to not look after them properly while they're ill I would speak to him).

[ivykaty44]

Oh yes the "mummy says you musten have fun" line, don't they just know how to twist things. Oh so lucky not to be with the stupid prats anymore....

Sorry nothing consructive to add, just that ex'h that play this and other well resentful lines are not worth even trying to talk to cos they will just do what they want with the kids whatever. It has happened now and there is no point wasting your breath - next time your words will again be ignored

[Blu]

WEll, he isn't actually 'parenting'them is he - he's just 'taking thm out' etc. he isn't dealing with them if they are tired and ill as a esult of being kept up etc etc. Or dealing with any of the routine parenting tasks like homework.

Selfish in the extreme - and immature and pathetic and arseey-ish as well.

BUT if he was perfect, considerate, sensitive etc etc he wouldn't be your Ex, so i don't suppose there's anything much you can do about it.

If the boys ARE running about it probably won't be doing them much harm.

Just take strength from your inner-moral high ground knowing that you are the (much) better parent and person.

And then hopefully one one of thee occasions when he puts his own socia life first, one or both of the boys will throw up all over his car seats.

Trust in karma!

[Pinkchampagne]

Oh yes, Blu, lets hope so!!

[ninah]

I'd say to him how you felt, but not while you still feel angry. Just explain it as you have here, when you are talking and he's not whiskied up with his mates.

[misi]

pinkchampagne, you are right, it is up to your exH what he does with the children when they are with him. BUT.................

taking them to his friends house whilst one is ill and then drinking himself (well, just taking them there if not unwell and still drinking) etc is not reasonable or responsible.

point scoring, irresponsible, I'm a big man cos I can mess my kids up type of bloke!!

personally, I would write down what you feel and expect from him and either hand it to him or talk to him about it when his mates are no where near and he is sober.

I do like the word I have picked up on here used by others to descibe someone like him, TWONK!!

[Dropdeadfred]

IS it fun to be with daddy and his mate whilst they get drunk though..?
who is the responsible adult there...what if an accident happened, how would they cope and be able to get the child to hopsital etc?