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Mediation today - didn't go well.

(23 Posts)
BobDowne Tue 23-Sep-08 19:25:36

Exh being very confrontational and - well just a complete opinionated twonk.
I'm just wondering if there's any hope of ever working things out.
He doesn't see that we ever need to communicate over the children and that we are 2 separate families now!?
I'm despairing. Can't see that he's ever going to be reasonable and the kids will be able to play us off against each other for ever.
We've been separated for over 2 years now, I thought things would have settled down by now.sad

lou33 Tue 23-Sep-08 19:41:03

i sympathise, exh is still unable to see anything beyond his own feelings, it's all about him, and it has been nearly 3 yrs now

i am not helping you feel better am i?

BobDowne Tue 23-Sep-08 20:50:26

Not really lou!

He just sent me a text saying that i am just an obstacle in the way of him and his boys. angry

When they were younger he couldn't be arsed to do anything with them and now it feels like he's trying to take them away from me.

I wish the boys would want to move to the other end of the country with me - but they love the creep!

lou33 Tue 23-Sep-08 20:53:46

yeh mine does that to me as well, i made him a non person apparently, and i am smug and need to grow up hmm

goes over my head mainly, aside from if i think the kids are suffering from it

BobDowne Tue 23-Sep-08 21:00:32

Can you ever have a civil conversation with him lou?

I mean about the children? Everything he does and says just seems to be to get at me.

He's got it into his head that they're both going to be professional sportsmen and insists i make them train every day - they're not even that keen!

lou33 Tue 23-Sep-08 21:12:12

once in almost 3 years, thats all

BobDowne Tue 23-Sep-08 21:14:21

Does he see the kids much lou?

lou33 Tue 23-Sep-08 21:25:30

<insert hollow laugh here>

BobDowne Tue 23-Sep-08 21:29:01

Ah ok. On the plus side at least you don't have to see him!

lou33 Tue 23-Sep-08 21:30:21

i would be happy if he disappeared forever tbh, but it isnt about me

CarGirl Tue 23-Sep-08 21:31:08

Sorry BD I don't know your story, really sorry to hear that mediation was completely unproductive. How old are your boys? Eventually they will see through him though - they all do!

BobDowne Tue 23-Sep-08 21:38:59

I know what you mean, i'm kind of pleased exh is still part of their lives, as he kept/still keeps threatening to disappear. But wish he didn't have to be part of my life still sad

BobDowne Tue 23-Sep-08 21:49:01

Thanks Cargirl- they're 10 and 13. It's just so upsetting that things never seem to get any better.

misi Tue 23-Sep-08 23:14:25

bobdowne, not meaning to be negative or getting you down more, but I had my cafcass meeting today. cafcass officer already made her mind up it seems, my ex saw her yesterday and made up so many lies about our relationship before we split, since we split and up to now that bears no resemblance at all to what actually went on, and how my son was looked after and how I ran out on her leaving her with my son to look after and the business to run etc etc etc. (she, my ex, has even regurgitated the old lies from the original court case, 3 years ago that the court dismissed and warned her about making false allegations and to boot, seems to have reiterated the sexual impropriety against my son accusation that the court dismissed only 2 months ago to the cafcass officer who has given me the impression that she believes it even though my ex still ''allows'' weekly contact and the court told my ex not to make allegations that made no sense and had no evidential support)

total crap the whole lot of it and I mean your mediation meeting too.
why do some parents have so much hate and dislike, jealousy and bloody mindedness that takes precedent over their kids who are the innocent parties in all this?

sorry, feeling very let down and depressed tonught!!

BobDowne Wed 24-Sep-08 09:54:30

Misi, i'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Your ex sounds like a toxic bitch.

It's so true what you said about hate, jealousy and bloody-mindedness. Why can't they let it go?! It just makes things unbearable for everyone involved.

lostdad Wed 24-Sep-08 10:15:49


My ex hates me more than she loves our son. She would say she would do anything for him, but that obviously doesn't extend to doing things like talking to his father to ensure he has the benefit of two loving parents, putting his rights to a father above her boyfriend (and moving 300 miles across the country with him) or making it in any way easy for his dad to be a fully involved parent.

He is the ultimate loser. I am big and ugly enough to look after myself (whereas he's small and good looking). wink

Surfermum Wed 24-Sep-08 10:35:38

Can I give you guys a message of hope? Dh had to go through the Court process to get to see dsd. Similar story to misi's - they were told a pack of lies about dh. The first CAFCASS officer believed it all and it was clear from the start that she wasn't going to give dh a fair hearing.

He just couldn't talk to his x about anything, he would either get the door slammed in his face or a torrent of abuse. At one stage we were meeting at the police station for handovers because her then partner had assaulted dh (and she stood and laughed while holding dsd's hand).

She wouldn't answer the phone if he rang. She told him that dsd was nothing to do with him when she was with her. She was outraged that he get in contact with the school and would turn up for parents' evening and sports days. She thought that any contact over and above the court order (every 3rd weekend) was "unfair" ..... we thought it was pretty much as bad as it could get.

But when we came back from our summer holiday this year, we dropped dsd off, all went in for a cuppa and ended up staying for fish and chips and her mum and I shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat. We have supported her when dsd has been difficult, and vice versa. Last year for dsd's birthday we all went out for a pizza (including siblings on both sides).

I think my advice would be don't think things won't ever change. I know I felt like that and I still sometimes sit and think "this is surreal" when her mum and I are talking about something. I am pleased we kept the door open to her mum and always worked on building bridges, doing the right thing, saying the right thing. And now I think about it, dh was completely brilliant through it because he would never react to her, and every time he tried to start another conversation he was friendly and didn't bear any grudges.

It took about 8 years to get there, but we did and it's so much better for dsd now.

misi Wed 24-Sep-08 12:47:07

surfermum, that is a good ending story, thanks.
for me it has been 3.5 years since splitting and has not got any better so far. the last time she found out I had a g/f she went up the wall and started all sorts of problems, so now I don't mention anything and my son certainly doesn't know as my ex pumps him for info so blazenly now, she does it in front of me at handover.
I cling to the hope that she will realise one day we are ''allies'' when it comes to our son, and the constant hatred is doing none of us any good at all and as DS is getting to an age now where he does take things in, it will start affecting him soon.

lostdad, I know what you mean with me and my son with your last sentence above grin

Surfermum Wed 24-Sep-08 15:57:06

You're welcome misi.

Oh and when I say "you guys" I don't mean just the men. I meant everyone. Just thought I'd better clarify that grin.

brightwell Wed 24-Sep-08 17:24:27

I hate to be the bearer of doom & gloom, I'm 9 years down the line, ex left me for a younger woman and still everything is my fault and I am so unreasonable.(when his demands are not met)

misi Wed 24-Sep-08 18:47:23

brightwell, theres no solution or ability for planning ahead with arseholes morons umm, idiots like that.

in my pysch classes, I would possibly describe him as a failed dominant with self confidence issues and a need to control but with an inability to do so, a twonk I think is the new word I have found on this site to describe some parents?!!

brightwell Fri 26-Sep-08 15:06:26

misi, I like your definition....,am looking forward to having the chance to use it!

misi Fri 26-Sep-08 22:43:49

grin my pleasure, have many more derogatory terms of use/character to use too grin

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