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Do I listen to my son or my ex-husband

(27 Posts)
Kat936 Mon 22-Sep-08 13:47:04

I am going through a very difficult time at the moment, just don't know which way to turn. My son doesn't like going to his dads house. A year ago my husband left me for another woman. My son and I had to move out of our family home and live in a caravan. We have fianlly moved on with our lives and have a lovely home. The problem is that my son gets very distressed when he has to go through to his dads. His dad has moved this other woman in and her daughter. My son has had his bedroom taken from him and has been put in the box room and the other child got his room. There has been many times my son refuses to go and I listen to him and have never forced him, but everytime this happens my ex threatens me with court. There has been many things that I feel have caused this to happen, My ex brought this other woman and daughter very quickly into my sons life, moved them in very quickly and my son lost his room within weeks. My ex is always late picking him up and dropping him off, gives up agreed time with my son for hoildays and other events etc. My son has told me that he wants to spend time alone with his dad, but even after telling my ex this it never happens. My son gets very destressed about going so I don't like to go on about it. My ex says that I mother him too much and I am twisted and try to turn my son against him, but this is not the case, I really try hard. I just don't know which way to turn do I force my 6 year old son to stay at a place where he may not be happy?

masalachameleon Mon 22-Sep-08 13:49:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cadelaide Mon 22-Sep-08 13:50:05

Have you tried Family Mediation?

Don't know whether it's available in your area but it's a fantastic service and often they can work with the children especially.

Relate should be able to help.

Lizzylou Mon 22-Sep-08 13:50:10

Oh Gosh, how awful for your Ds and for you.
No wonder your DS is upset, the loss of his family unit, home and room must be very hard for a 6yr old to understand.
Has your DS broached this with his Father? Have you sought out any legal advice, is there any way that you could make him see his son on his own?

Kat936 Mon 22-Sep-08 13:59:54

I have tried everthing to sort this out. But my xp will not listen to me or my son. I am frightend to go to court, I don't want to be forced into something to do with my son that i don't agree with. Thank you all for you replies. This is my first time on mumnet and it is nice to know that there are people out there that have listened.

TheUnsinkableMB Mon 22-Sep-08 14:02:12

My two year old dd hates going with her dad too.
I know it feels awful forcing them to go when they clearly don't want to.
My ex has a contact order, so for now and the future my dd has no other choice but to go, my solicitor said that even when she's old enough to say she doesn't want to go, I have to be seen to be encouraging her, like if she turned around and said she doesn't want to go to school.

Does your ds take something with him from home when he stays over? favourite toys etc.
It doesn't sound very nice for him to be ousted from his own room though.

Hopefully your ds will settle into this new life eventually, its just gonna take time for him to adjust, all you can probably do is be strong for him, and remember you're doing a fabulous job!

lostdad Mon 22-Sep-08 14:31:24

Who should you listen too? Both. Although to be honest, I can see this isn't much of a helpful answer.

Your ex should have your son's interests enough at heart to be concerned he is distressed, should have his interests enough at heart to make sure he is reliable and should have his interests enough at heart to make it as easy as possible for your son to have a happy childhood even though his mum and dad have split up.

Regarding the thing with the bedroom - I can see his point (but only up to a limited point) - for continuity and routine's sake your son should have kept his room at least for the time being.

I'd recommend mediation if you can get him to it. Also (and I can see the eyeballs rolling here) - I'd recommend you contact FNF (Families Need Fathers). There are lots of single mothers who are parents, despite the name and you never know - you may get him to join (and believe me, he'd get a few pointers on how to be a good father). wink

Tinkerbel6 Mon 22-Sep-08 14:36:27

I would listen to your son, your son's emotional wellbeing comes first, do not force him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go, it must be hard for your son to have to visit somewhere that was once his family home and see his daddy playing happy families with someone else, and to have his room taken away and someone else in their

clumsymum Mon 22-Sep-08 14:41:01

I thought it was all about a child having access to an absent parent.... And if the child doesn't want that access, then he shouldn't be forced to do so.

I'd make it clear that ds doesn't want to go to the house, it isn't your choice it's his. And if he won't accept that, then yes, let him go through the solicitor/court route.

What is soooo sad is that your son wants to see his father, but alone. He obviously feels that his needs aren't important to his dad.and I can see his point, poor little mite.

zmandaz Mon 22-Sep-08 19:47:15

I would definitely get Legal Advice, see if you are eligible for Legal Aid. The courts are only interested in what is best for your son and if he is old enough to say how he is feeling they will take that into account. They are there to try and help sort out an agreement which suits everyone and if you get legal advice, it may be enough to get your ex to think about why your son if so unhappy. He is calling your bluff telling you he'll take you to court, especially as he'd probably have to pay for legal support. I honestly don't know what I'd have done without my solicitor.

mankymummy Mon 22-Sep-08 19:51:30

if your ex has been so blase as to give DS's room away at such an early stage then to be honest i would be very doubtful as to his loyalties/consideration of DS.

personally i would listen to DS and let him call the shots, he is of an age where to some degree he can do this.

is there any chance you can sit down with your ex and have a chat about it?

how do you get on with his new partner? maybe you could talk to her about it?

Kat936 Tue 23-Sep-08 10:16:23

Thank you for all your replies, Someone mentioned that I should talk to my xp new partner, I have asked to meet her but my xp won't let us meet. I think this is because she is not aware that xp and I where still spending a lot of time together and I was unaware that when leaving us he was going to see her. I think he is frightened I will tell her the truth. Anyway I feel that she should have said no to my xp and not allow her daughter to have my sons room. So I don't hold much hope there. I will be strong and listen to my son. I think that court would be the best option as we all would get alot more help. Thank you all

WideWebWitch Tue 23-Sep-08 10:17:40

Poor boy. You listen to your son. Can you involve a third party who can help your ex realise how horrible he's being? Wanker.

MadameCastafiore Tue 23-Sep-08 10:19:50

Kat do not go against your sons wishes - the court will get CAFCASS involved and they will listen to your sons point of view and hopefully act on it.

You are a great mum and are holding things together fine in the wake of this awful event in your life - your son is a very lucky little boy.

dragonbaby Tue 23-Sep-08 10:33:08

dont make your son go, tell your ex to take you to court where they will ask your son if he wants to go and what will make him happy with going and then your ex will have to do as his told

mum2taylor Tue 23-Sep-08 10:33:41

My dp and I have a 4 yo dd together and he also has his 9 yo son by a previous relationship come to stay with us regularly. If he were the slighest bit distressed I would do all in my power to make him feel at ease in my care. Says a lot about the other woman involved and her attitude tbh. It really sounds as if your son is your no 1 priority so dont let anyone else tell you otherwise. I think you should suggest your ex take his son for days away and bring him home at the end of the night - no overnight stays until he feels comfortable about the situation. Your ex should be happy to go along with that until your son feels more relaxed if he really cares enough.

piratecat Tue 23-Sep-08 10:43:12

i had the very same problem, and i agree with dragonbutter.

After 2 yrs of dd never wanting to go, she finally burst into tears one day, on the doorstep and my ex just shrugged his shoulders at me and said' see this is what she wslike last time'

no understanding, no tender talkingto her, to try and make her feel better.

that was a year ago, and she hasn't been back since. Her choice. Now I just wait for the court order, becuase that's the only thing that cuold 'make' her go, i suppose. I coerced her for too long, but it came to a natural head, and now she is happy not to go there.

y dd has been pushed out, and she has responded by becoming very very hurt, and is actaully in counselling now. Ex has been told now by me that the counsellor suggests we do what she wants for now.

piratecat Tue 23-Sep-08 10:44:06

sorry dragonbaby!

anniemac Tue 23-Sep-08 11:11:17

Message withdrawn

Kat936 Tue 23-Sep-08 11:46:29

I have tried to get him to go to mediation, but he refused. I feel I have tried everything, maybe court would be the best way. At least my son would be listened too. Just so scared of court and the process.

citronella Tue 23-Sep-08 12:13:41

Oh my goodness how despicable! I agree with others that while your xh behaviour is appalling, the situation does not say much for the new woman. I feel so so sad for you and especially your ds. Again, I agree with others do not force him at all to go-maybe just suggest days out to him if he wants. As for you x, 'tell' him don't offer him options, it doesn't sound as if he offered you and your ds any. If he gets arsy be defiant and stand up for your son as you have done. Any threats of court tell him you will gladly see him there because the truth will be told. Get legal backing through legal aid and as much support from agencies as you can (wish I had some links) who will offer you help, advice and support. Refuse to speak to x other than through mediation, legal representative and regarding matters re ds. Are you instigating divorce proceedings on grounds of adultery?

Even if you can't do all of these things at once tell your xh (with confidence)that is what you are doing so that he starts to sit up a bit. You have been walked all over and what you have been through an adult could just about cope with but for him to treat his own son like that is unforgivable.
I do hope you get results you want.

xx

piratecat Tue 23-Sep-08 12:18:22

yes my ex refused too, in fact told me that if i made him see dd in a controlled environment, that he would have no option but to stop seeing dd.

Kat936 Tue 23-Sep-08 12:22:51

Thank you citronella. Great words of encouragement.

The problem I have is my Xh just puts himself first and doesn't believe that he has done anything wrong, which makes it even harder. I will def take your advise that we should have no more contact unless through mediation or a legal rep. It is so draining dealing with him.

Yes I divorced him for adultery, but that never bothered him.

Thank you so much, this has really helped

piratecat Tue 23-Sep-08 12:31:05

kat i'm sorry you are going thru this, i know how it feels, and how never ending it is.

It is so hard to know what to do for the best. You try to put your dc's relationship with thier father first, you make it important, and then become faced with arrogance and self pitying men who cannot see beyond thier selfish wants.

You may find it naturally comes to it's own conclusion, yet this can take a while. Like in my situation, i now have done everything to makwe him care. Yet I don't bother any more. No more suggestions, no more trying to appeal to his better ( but lets face it long gone) nature.

citronella Tue 23-Sep-08 12:31:28

well he sounds like a w*er then and you are best off without him. Unfortunately, for your ds he will always be his dad.

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