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A happy ending for DD

(14 Posts)
abouteve Mon 22-Sep-08 10:51:57

To cut a long story short, DD's dad has never had much to do with her throughout her life. She see him, his wife and her half siblings very occasionally. She is 14. I gave up years ago trying to persuade him to show an interest and have tried to persuade myself that she is not affected by his absence in her life.

She is affected by it and has suffered some bleak moments.

After returning from a regular visit to her grandma's (his mum) last week she broke down saying she wants a final push and answers. It seems as though it hasn't fallen on deaf ears this time and she came home yesterday from a day with her grandma saying that they have asked her to have tea with them once a week. It's a train ride away but they will bring her back.

I'm hoping this is a satisfactory outcome and that she can go into adulthood with a balanced view of her father.

All the hard work has been done now and its all she need from him, just a little bit of acceptance, she is busier nowadays with school etc.

Surely the term better late that never applies. I wonder what other people think?

abouteve Mon 22-Sep-08 11:20:24

I am bumping. I suppose I am just unloading what has been a niggling cause of stress for both of us.

mashedup Mon 22-Sep-08 11:21:17

Hi.
I totally agree, and am happy for you and your DD. My exH only cares about himself, didn't bother about our DCs when they were younger. Now they're older and don't go to see him, he blames me! On the other hand, his family have never turned against me, always sent birthday/xmas presents to our DCs, and often visit. He hasn't bought our DCs presents or cards for years. As they've grown into very well-behaved, likeable young adults, (I'm lucky they have) he has missed a lot. Even his family have said that.
Good luck, I hope it all works out well.

Whoopee Mon 22-Sep-08 11:30:19

Definitely better late than never, if both your daughter and ex are willing to let each other into their lives.

My parents divorced when I was three and my father disappeared. (I got birthday and Christmas cards but we never knew where he was.)

I met him when I was seventeen after it turned out he was a family friend of a girl I went to school with.

He had remarried and has three stepchildren, all older than me.

The morning after I met him, I felt like a hole in my chest had been filled in, a hole I hadn't been aware of until then.

He lives abroad, so I don't see him much, but it's been wonderful for me to realise where I get so many of my traits from. Finally I feel I'm not weird for being unlike my mother, I'm normal for being like my father.

For years I fetl like an intruder into his new life, a spectre at the feast, but his new family are lovely and welcoming and now it just doesn't matter how we all ended up as part of the same family, just that we are part of that family.

I think 14 is a good age for her to meet him. I had nearly left school when I met my father. He never saw me in a school play, never saw me do a solo music concert, never saw any of the things I could do that made me me and gave me confidence.

Anyway! How do you feel about her meeting him? The first night I met my father I kept thinking of my mother at home with her mind working overtime.

You sound like you have a really fair and level head about the whole thing, and that's the best thing you could have had for her in the situation.

abouteve Mon 22-Sep-08 11:40:16

Mashed up, thanks, I often wished that she could have been emotionally detached as I have been where he is concerned, but she wasn't. It could have gone either way but she needs to know him. Therefore, I am pleased for her. Hope it works out.

I did think about ringing with train times etc and to say how much it means to her but have decided I must keep it between them. She is old enough now. After all I haven't spoken to him for years.

So glad that your DC's have come to terms with your situtation. These fathers will always come up with excuses and blaming the mum is a classic. I made sure DD knew I wasn't to blame, she was bridesmaid at their wedding etc. We had a heart to heart last week and she wanted to hear all the history as it had been planted in her mind that I may have been responsible for his behaviour.

It is definatley his last chance now. I can tell she will wash her hands off him completely if anything goes wrong. He's very lucky to have this chance once again. I just want her to be happy.

abouteve Mon 22-Sep-08 11:54:53

Hi Whoopee, the situtation is slightly different because she does see him very occasionally, which in some ways has been harder on her. He just couldn't see that she needed regular contact and to get to know who he really is (gosh she is in for a shock grin). And for him to know her. Not just what she looks like. There are half siblings, I didn't have any more and they need to be involved with their big sister. They are already asking questions, Why don't we see you more? We don't understand and they are still young children. Lovely kids from what I know of them.

What you said about a hole being filled is exactly how DD feels.

I'm happy for her, obviously he has ducked out of his responsibilites all these years but I'm hoping that 'missing thing' will be found and she can grow without this emotional void that is very much part of her.

lostdad Mon 22-Sep-08 12:25:50

These stories are precisely the reason I will not give up on my son, even as my ex tries to cut me out of his life.

fransmom Mon 22-Sep-08 12:39:10

(((((((((((((ld)))))))))))))))

abouteve Mon 22-Sep-08 12:48:14

Don't give up on him. Some children need to know that there biological parents care no matter what.

DD was crying to me last week, asking if she was so unlovable, that is heartbreaking. Hoping now she will get some peace of mind, even if its just a small gesture and least he has made it before she reaches adulthood totally screwed up.

I know some children can grow up unscathed from an absent parent, often if they have a loving step parent which isn't our case. DD has been affected no matter how much I hoped she wouldn't be.

VinegarTits Mon 22-Sep-08 12:58:23

Definately better late than never, my ds1(19) didnt have much contact from his father while he was growing up, he missed out on so much (my ex that is) but over the last few years they have built up a very close relationship, and his father has done more for him in the last couple of years than he did in the first 10 years after we split.

At his 18th birthday party last year (which his father paid for), he stood up in front of the crowd and told everyone how proud he was, that his son has turned out to be a wonderful young man, but only one person can take credit for that, and that is his mum, he then apologised for the years he missed out on. smile

VinegarTits Mon 22-Sep-08 12:58:26

Definately better late than never, my ds1(19) didnt have much contact from his father while he was growing up, he missed out on so much (my ex that is) but over the last few years they have built up a very close relationship, and his father has done more for him in the last couple of years than he did in the first 10 years after we split.

At his 18th birthday party last year (which his father paid for), he stood up in front of the crowd and told everyone how proud he was, that his son has turned out to be a wonderful young man, but only one person can take credit for that, and that is his mum, he then apologised for the years he missed out on. smile

piratecat Mon 22-Sep-08 13:10:24

its very reassuring to hear these stories.

my dd6 too told me last week (not for the first time) how she feels unwanted and unloved.

I hope that her father will be part of her life some day, and that he will see soem sense.

lostdad Mon 22-Sep-08 14:01:33

To be honest, I think my ex sees her boyfriend as my son's new father - although seeing as I have never met him, don't know who he is and my ex refuses to discuss anything with me whatsoever I could be inferring things here.

My father grew up without his Dad (he died when he was very young) and I grew up knowing my father wanted to be the kind of dad he had not had, but wanted. If you know what I mean.

Maybe my ex's new boyfriend will be a good male role model - but my son already has a father and doesn't need another one.

Tinkerbel6 Tue 23-Sep-08 09:19:42

abouteve glad it has turned out well, great news

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