contact opinions were introduced as once again misinformation by disinterested in the childs actual welfare parties were suggesting that mybump's ex was saying he wanted shared residence and mybump had interpretted this or had been told that this meant shared care too. I can read from her OP that she is hurting and confused and upset, so the last thing she needs is people to be telling her to don't give him anything, and basically telling the ex to F off. this suits no-one. mybump needs to be in control, she says she still loves him so emotions will be running high, start on the road to denying anything and you end up with one depressed, stressed and even more upset new mum, just what her new baby needs? if mybump goes down the route that many have suggested, she is opening up a wound for herself and the baby that will be hard to heal for many years if at all. whatever some mothers think, a child has a right to contact with its father and by going down the route many suggested, that child will suffer. contact is the most important issue mybump has to solve, shared res is nothing really in legal terms in relation to actual care arrangements and rights. PR sorts out the rights part for virtually every situation that may arise. what mybump needs to do is to take control and not be dictated too by her ex and his solicitors. there is a probability that his sols are telling him that he will get shared res so they can maintain their money stream. sols do not act for the child, they act for the parent so when 2 parents go to court, the child who is the most important one out of the lot is the only one not heard or represented. sols make more money from confrontation. if a case goes to mediation and gets settled quickly they don't get money, if a case lasts for years through this confrontation, they make a bundle, my sol made £50k out of me and exs sol made £32K out of her. if on first meeting my exs sol had not told her to stop all contact and deny me PR, but to assign PR voluntarily (the court ordered PR in the end as she refused and the court caned her for it) then mediation may have worked and instead of spending 18 months back and forth in court racking up those £82K of costs, the sols together may have got a few thousand out of it. working out contact NOW will save a whole lot of trouble ahead, right when mybump don't need it. with reason and thought, mybump can put a tentative arrangement in place on her terms. it is probably the case that her ex and his new G/f don't actually want shared res/shared care and if the new G/f is only 17 she aint gonna want to spend time round someone elses baby and probably wont be happy for dad to be spending that much time either. if you don't give dad a chance to be a dad, he will more than likely not want to be a dad, involve him and he will more likely be amenable in the future and co-operative and more supportive both in time and money.
if she doesn't try, she may end up with a court enforced order that she does not want or like and that dad doesn't really want either, and what about the child? parents warring around him, tension, stress, just what a baby needs to thrive.
at this stage, contact is the only thing that needs sorting, and she can with forethought, leave that quite ambiguous until after the birth if she is seen to be reasonable now.
a baby needs contact with its father even in the very first few hours after birth otherwise it can be estranged somewhat. mybump may or may not allow him at the birth but she needs to make arrangements as to when contact starts now so that it is not something she has to think about at a very traumatic time that is the birth of a baby and the following hours, days and weeks.
mybump introduced contact in her OP by saying the baby would spend as much time with fathers new G/f as with her, I bought it into the open as the topic that needed sorting amicably now so it will be on mybumps terms and no-one elses. as solidbrass says, sort it now amicably and if dad feels he is being treated fairly, he will be amenable to whatever mybump proposes and will settle for increasing contact as time goes on and on mybumps own schedule, not one enforced by a judge who does not live in the real world and mostly do not have a clue.
confrontation and denial only benefits the legal profession, it only does harm to mum, dad and most importantly, baby. mybump can take what I say or ignore, its only suggestion, but if I can help I will do, if you read some other posts on that thread you will see that there have been people telling her what to do, and in her vulnerable state, thats the last thing she needs
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9 replies
misi · 18/09/2008 00:57
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